Dear Bastard: The Novel
by Where're Teh Twinkies
Summary: Lovino's life sucks. His neighbors are really lame: warring veterans, some hopeless romantics, party people, geeky Twilight fans, and some new recluses moved in right next door. Are they simply below-average people, aliens, vampires, serial killers, or what? Oh, it gets worse: His wasted cousin has decided to drop by - for an extended visit while she attends Miami University.
1. Dear Bastard, the Prologue

**Sorry this was delayed; I've been extremely busy. I'm surprised I've been able to update Dear Bastard as much as I have! I'm usually up typing into the early morning these days I'm so jam-packed.**

**Here is the full summary:**

**It's the story of a stoner girl, Nicolla, with who moves in with her anger-managed cousin, Lovino, in the city of Miami to live closer to the university she wants to attend. Lovino lives in a strange neighborhood where anarchy rules and the neighbors are always clashing and battling each other. And they are all suspicious of Lovino's neighbors, the Clauses. No one ever sees them leave the house or return home. In fact, no one has ever seen then in general. Most believe they are serial killers or hiding from the law, but there's no proof besides the fact the family who lived there before the Clauses left the home, supposedly moving away without a moving van and their car was found three miles away in a river. Being their neighbor, everybody insists Lovino get to know them, but he'd sooner beat himself up with a sledgehammer. So who are the Clauses really? No one knows, but one thing is for sure: hilariosity will ensue as Nicolla, the fraternity boys, Antonio, Kiku, Vash, Feliciano, ex. Marine Ludwig and Lovino attempt to uncover the truth, and somehow get Nicolla to say no to drugs.**

**There's the full summary! I couldn't fit it into a paragraph, there's a lot going on. I plan for this to be a pretty big story with a ton happening and a huge plot that branches who knows where. There will be some pairings here, and, obviously, human names are included. I can definitely say Spamano will be included, and probably USUK. But anyway, here's the prologue to Dear Bastard, The Novel! It's short and sweet. Review! :D**

-Cappy

Xxx::O::xxX

Prologue

Xxx::O::xxX

**Dear Feliciano, You Bastard,**

_You better tell me you're fucking joking, you bastard. This better be a fucking joke!_

_Did you just send me a long ass letter-12 pages-and then tell me Nicolla is coming to visit? Nicolla, that son of a bitch cousin who wrecked her paraglider last year into a fucking 'UFO' of fucking nothing? Nicolla, the cousin with that annoying as fuck laugh, who listens to fucking Vitas and sings the lyrics even though she has no fucking clue what she's saying, and who smokes cigars and thinks she's Chuck Norris, THAT cousin?_

_WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS IS FUCKING INSANE THERE IS NO WAY SHE'S STAYING AT MY PLACE GO TO FUCKING HELL IT'S NOT HAPPENING!_

_Fuck that! If she steps within ten feet of my house I'm gonna fucking tie her to a train!_

_This better be a joke!_

_Lovino Vargas_

_PS: I'm not even fucking kidding, I'll make her sleep in the damn shed!_

Lovino threw the pen against one of the study walls and scrunched the letter into a small envelope. He grew increasingly frustrated when it wouldn't fit.

"Dammit, you bastard!" He roared, throwing the envelope on the ground and stomping it. "Fuck you! I'll find another damn envelope."

As he exited the study he stumbled over the turtle on the floor.

"That damn brother of mine said that bastard, Nicolla is coming to stay!" Lovino told it, pushing himself back up onto his feet. "Dammit, Lovino Jr., can you fucking believe it?!" He stormed into the kitchen to grab a tomato and his .46 pistol. "She's staying in the dog shed! Don't fucking argue with me, you bastard!"

The turtle waddled underneath one of the bookshelves.


	2. Chapter One, Miami

**I apologize for the confusion in this chapter but it will all be explained in the next few chapters here! Trust me, the neighbors won't go unexplained. You can go ahead and take guesses as to who they are though. (Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, Review/Fav/Follow, You know you want to!)**

**-Cappy**

OxxOxxVxxOxxO _Chapter One : Miami_ OxxOxxVxxOxxO

Nicolla slid out of the cab, bobbing her head to Karmin's Brokenhearted and rolling a cigar between her teeth while the driver stepped around back to retrieve her belongings from the trunk. She sniffed in the summer air like she snorted cocaine and grinned; Miami was a pretty nice place. Nothing like Florence, Arizona. The air had humidity here instead of a bone-dry atmosphere, something that made it all the better.

Of course, arriving here like she had was dangerous, but she didn't care. If her cousin Lovino had a problem with her staying at his place unannounced, he'd get over it. Sure, she'd have to take a couple boots to the head and probably a fork up her ass, but it would be worth it.

And the collage was just ten blocks away from the lush neighborhood. Nicolla didn't have her license yet but she could pretend she did since she was so close to school. And if the police had a problem with it she was sure she could somehow bribe Lovino into bailing her out, no problem. Okay, problem, but she just shrugged and told herself, 'He won't mind.'

She denied Lovino would have begged to differ. Optimism was something she possessed but she was also sure she could manipulate him into keeping her somehow; you could bribe anyone with drugs.

Nicolla turned to survey the neighborhood as she took in a whiff of smoke. Green grass, palm trees, a lot of evergreens. There were a few homes built from stucco like in Florence, though many of them had a vinyl siding in puke pinks, riveting reds, and depressing blues. That was a switch, for every home in Florence was stucco in boring beiges whether the general population liked it or not, but she liked the contrast. It made her feel more like Indiana Jones and less like a stone. She felt adventurous which is something that lacked at her home in Florence; it was boring there with how everyone treated her after her accident. Not that she really minded too much; she liked doing her own thing without a group of people tacking her down but it was a little sad to watch people back away.

She wasn't complaining, though. She'd been extremely spacy even before the accident.

She took in another deep breath and itched her nose. As she had driven through she'd noticed the yards here were Grade A compared to many of the other nearby neighborhoods and with one glance about the area she had already concluded this place was wonderfully exotic.

Across the street there was a large, neon red house with mustard yellow shutters and a dysfunctional hose that was spraying water every which way and flopping along the brown grass like a fish on steroids. A large poster was hung above the door: **Miami University Fraternity, Beta, Dudes!**

He had a fraternity living across the street! Nicolla nodded in respect, grinning ear to ear. It wasn't the 'hot' boys that attracted her, but just boys in general; she had a thing for football. And 'fraternity' meant alcohol and weed.

The house to the right was a smaller, light blue house with Victorian lining and brown shutters. The grass was much more pristine and there were red hydrangeas lining the driveway where a small, red Oldsmobile was parked.

Nicolla didn't know Florida had hydrangeas. She scratched her nose while Brokenhearted repeated on the IPod. Lovino's house was a little too regular compared to the other houses. The entire street looked like a parade had come through and paintballed the neighborhood. It was like everybody was celebrating around here; their houses looked ready for a party.

Next door to the left of the fraternity was a gorgeous, dark blue house with navy shutters and the best damn lawn Nicolla had possibly ever seen. There were flowers and trees of every sort and a large willow that just towered over the roof swayed casually.

"Oh, that's badass!" Nikoru barked a laugh. "It's totally Buick! Wow!"

Further to the left of that house was a green vinyl home with brown shutters and ivy stretched across the walls like a web. There was a bird fountain out front between two smaller willows though there were no birds. Instead, the ground was spotted with hundreds, maybe millions, of cats.

Nicolla's two favorite animals were turtles and cats, so she found this pretty damn amazing even if the birds did not.

There were two red vinyl homes beside the green home, one covered with flowers and the next had Chinese decorations on the porch, like an oversized yellow dragon that stood straight from the ground, acting as a tree.

Further down the street, beside that blue house next to the fraternity, there was a bright, red house with more Chinese decorations and golden shutters. There were numerous Sakura trees and Ginkgo trees swaying with the calm breeze, spreading their petals all over the ground. There were a few cats sunbathing on the roof and a red bench with gold tassels hung off the porch. You'd have to hop over the railing to sit on it.

She looked of to the neighbors on Lovino's right. They had a standard green yard with a couple trees and shrubs and the standard adobe home with green shutters. There were window flowerpots on every sill. Nicolla liked that very much; it pleased her to see something that reminded her of home. Behind them she could just make out a black roof of their neighbors.

She turned back to the houses by the right of the fraternity; there was a dark green house with a tower where Nicolla was sure she saw the tip of a rifle pointing at one of the houses across the neighborhood, but she ignored it. It had to be the smoke from the cigar or wine from the dinner part the night before. There was a weird mask covering the doorknob on the front door. It had a long pointed nose, like something Nicolla could recall seeing somewhere else, maybe in a museum or in a textbook.

Next was slightly blocked out by Lovino's neighbors to her left, but she made out a red, white, and blue house with Mr. T distinctly gratified on the roof. He looked as if he were staring at the sky with clouds in his eyes.

She then turned her attention to Lovino's other neighbors and immediately stopped; the house was dead. It had once been dark red and now was peeled until most of the walls were bleached. Their plants were plantus deaduses and their porch was cracked in half. There was a couch sticking out and a few chairs as well as a stripped umbrella wedged in next to then. There was also a ladder in the yard covered by a ceiling fan and a chainsaw.

It looked like a Ripley's Believe It Or Not exhibit.

Just beyond she made out a snow white with a dying yard. It was a little less overbearing than the neighbor's and Nicolla could tell it was vacant. She moved her sight back to the dying home and stared at it for a while; did she really want to be living next door to serial killers?

All she could say was as long as she had some weed she was sure she wouldn't even notice.

Satisfied she practically knew all of her neighbors through their house's appearances, Nicolla paused her IPod and pocketed it as she strolled across green grass, up the marble steps, onto the veranda porch, and up to the red front door of her cousin's plain home. She punched the doorbell with her finger, swaying on her heels drunkenly as she examined the teacups that were actual flowerpots scattered across the porch. There were daisies and pansies and tulips of every color. She grinned leisurely and waited with excitement at the thought of surprising her cousin, denying he'd probably kick her to the moon before he'd ever let her in his home. She should have been terrified and shaking in her socks, but Nicolla's mind was fried from drugs and she was calm with the situation as she was during every other situation. As the cigar burned out, Nicolla wiped the bud on the beige railing and flicked it into the bushes off the side.

After several minutes, Nicolla started to notice people emerging from their homes, yawning and stretching. It was as if a magical sensation had lured them outside. The first one outside was the guy who lived in the cat house. He stretched on his porch next to a swinging bench that was overflowing with cats. She noticed he wore a white beret, a green shirt, and green shorts. He walked barefooted into his yard and bent down beside the stairs.

Nicolla craned her neck, unsure what he was doing until a series of sprinklers shot up in the yard and cats ran from everywhere. Into neighbor's yards, up the gutter and onto the roof, or through a kitty door built into the front door. Nicolla felt as though she had seen that character before, but she couldn't recall where.

Right after that, an old woman dressed in red lingerie approached from the neighbors on Nicolla's left. The elderly held an old iron watering can and held it over the pots on her porch. She tenderly caressed some of the petals with her fingers and then kissed them.

Nicolla, deciding she was high since no one could be that weird, barked another laugh and leaned against her cousin's door. The lady hadn't seemed to hear her.

Just as the elderly woman had watered the third pot, Nicolla heard a door slam shut. She turned to see some of the fraternity boys as well as the neighbor with the turret emerging sleepily from their homes. The man with the supposed rifle in his turret was tall, dark skinned and dark haired with a gruff, strong build. He glanced across the street, noticed the cat man and jumped in astonishment, and ran back inside.

The fraternity boys looked to be slightly older than Nicolla except for a shorter boy with dirty blonde hair dressed in a classy beige sweater. For whatever reason he looked constipated. The other boys were cracking up about something and they stumbled over each other drunkenly as they pranced through the hose water, narrowly missing the flying tube. Then another boy stepped out from the house with a laptop in hand and he sat on a swinging bench as the boys in the yard pulled out Silly String from their shorts and sprayed the house.

An older man stormed outside and waved his arms. "Stop zat zis instant!" He yelled, though the boys paid him no attention. "Hey! I said stop!" A boy with snow-white hair cackled and sprayed the man in the face. He sputtered incoherently between water and silly string for a moment and swiped the bottle from him. "Vat am I going to do with you!" He shouted furiously, collecting the bottles.

The boy on the porch opened his mouth to say something.

"You could always give them a big spanking!" Rang the most girlish voice Nicolla had ever heard from a guy. It was also Spanish. Nicolla rose her eyebrows, amused.

The man, who was looking green now, looked up as he fought with one of the boys for his can of string. He looked right across the street and Nicolla thought for a moment he was staring at her. Nicolla waved pleasantly. "Good morning, Miss Knight." He called.

It took Nicolla a moment to realize he meant the lady next door in the lingerie; the old woman smiled and waved to him. "Good morning, Roderich!"

She looked blue to Nicolla now. Then she was purple, and then she was red. Nicolla widened her eyes and blinked, trying to clear them.

The said man raised a mutual hand and was suddenly whacked in the forehead by the hose tube. He flew backward, blue overcoat swaying dramatically with the force. The boys cracked up until the hose slammed one of them in the back of the head and they all shouted curses in terror; the hose was waging a war with them. Mrs. Knight covered her cheeks delicately with her hands and gasped while the boys ran around the yard shouting and stumbling over each other.

"All right, I'm sober, I'm sober!" One of the boys yelled.

A younger boy, who Nicolla could swear on her life was dark red, maybe twelve or thirteen stepped out from Mrs. Knight's home. "Morning, mother," he said to Mrs. Knight. Then he pointed at the fraternity kids and laughed obnoxiously loud, "Aha, good morning, you little shits!"

Nicolla rubbed her face; she had a headache coming on, probably from all that wine she'd had on the plane. That and that little brat had the most annoyingly preppy voice she'd heard since she watched Mean Girls.

Finally, the computer geek on the porch jumped off the bench and rushed down the steps to turn off the hose water. The hose drooped and was still on the ground. Roderich immediately stood, silly string cans flew everywhere, and brushed the wet grass and string off of his classy attire. There was a huge red splotch on his forehead but he didn't seem to notice.

"Vell, get up!" He shouted to the boys furiously. They groaned weakly. The geek sat on one of the steps, sighed, and said something else to Roderich. Roderich shouted, "Don't have your hangover vere ze vorld can see! Get up, you useless svines!"

The fraternity kids were KO'd.

"You stupid morons!" cackled Mrs. Knight's son. "Yo, Roderich! Count to diez and maybe they'll blow up! Ahaha!" Roderich glared sideways at him to send a warning before stomping around to pick up the silly string cans. "I see London, I see France, I see Roderich's underpants! Ahaha!"

Roderich turned bright red and turned his back to the house, abashed. "Vat are you on about?" He asked, flustered.

Mrs. Knight's son chortled and exclaimed, "You're ripped pants!"

While Roderich and Mrs. Knight and her son argued, Nicolla grinned widely, liking the feel of this neighborhood. It was just wacky enough. Already she had witnessed a house war and that Roderich guy wasn't even dead! He seemed prissy but that made him all the better; imagine the bullshit Nicolla could pull over his eyes.

Within a few seconds of listening to the bickering next door and the rueful groans across the street, Nicolla had decided this was the neighborhood of legend, the neighborhood she'd been searching for. This was the neighborhood for her, weird houses she could toilet paper included.

As Roderich finally disappeared walking backward into the fraternity house, two men came from the house with the Sakura trees. One was slightly too tall and the other was slightly too short; one had long hair and the other had hair cropped to his chin. They were dressed in regal looking robes. The second they stepped a foot forward, the door abruptly slammed shut behind them. The shorter man pulled out a Katana from under his flowing robe and jumped into an offensive stance. The taller man huffed and pointed over his shoulder, motioning at the front door with a churlish glare. He was acting rude, or maybe he was just annoyed. The shorter man sighed, unsheathed the Katana, and followed the other man to the railing. They hopped over, clambered onto the bench, and then sat as if they hadn't had a wink of sleep. Another man came out from the flowery home across the street. He was tall with long blonde locks, dressed only in boxers that slid on his waist. He yawned and stretched, looking like a French poster model surrounded by that radiant sunlight.

Nicolla sniffed and reached nonchalantly into her pocket for another cigar. She sighed when she discovered it was empty. When she glanced back at the blonde, she found him staring at her.

She blinked at him wearily and coughed up some excess smoke from the cigar. He chuckled and he waved to her. Out of the corner of her eye Nicolla noticed Miss Knight had stopped watering and she giggled before waving back. Was he looking at her, not Nicolla?

Nicolla looked at the elderly woman before glancing back at the blonde with tired, drooping eyes. He rose his brows at her, waiting for some sort of reply. Nicolla, concluding he was indeed staring at her, obliged and waved sloppily, pleased someone had noticed her. There was a cabby pulling her things from the trunk and no one had noticed that, either.

The blonde nodded to her but before he could respond there was a loud crack and everyone jumped. Nicolla flew at least two feet into the air and hit her head on one of the lamps. She puffed out a long breath of air and slid down the door, muttering "Dude…" under her breath.

The cabby dropped to his knees and crawled around the backside of the car, facing Nicolla. "What the hell kinda neighborhood is this?!" He screamed. "This is fucking Detroit!"

Everyone's sights turned to the house with the turret, settling its wide window. The rifle Nicolla had noticed before was actively moving around and firing at the cat man's house, penetrating the home with bullet holes. The resident on his bench jumped to his feet and ran inside the house among the hundreds of cats flying every which way. They almost looked like fireworks.

Then after a few moments, Nicolla could see movement in his tower. While the residents shouted profanities and hid behind trees and mailboxes, the cat man threw something out his window. It soared above the fraternity boys.

The two who had come out of the Chinese styled home (Nicolla could now conclude they were both Asian) jumped over the shrubs lining their house and the taller man pulled out a frying pan. It hovered over his head defensively but whatever it was the cat man had thrown wasn't aimed at them.

In landed in the rifleman's yard, with one hell of a toss, and exploded into a cloud of smoke.

"Smoke bomb!" Nicolla cheered enthusiastically as if she were at the Olympics, back on her feet. She watched intently as the residents ran around blindly, looking for places to hide their heads. This was almost as great as Wipeout! And it was live across the street! Who needed TV when you lived here on Pandora Avenue?

There were more shots fired through the mist and just nearly missed the Beige Sweater Boy. He screamed and ducked on his knees. The white haired boy was screaming and crying profanities, 'This is _so_ _unawesome_-I'm too young to die from this shit!' and 'Fuck that, shoot the mailbox!'

The geek on the steps lunged into the yard on his stomach. "I'll never get laid now!"

A blonde boy with glasses was sitting cross-legged with another can of string in his hand, laughing excitedly. He squirted some of the grass and lay back on the ground just as another smoke bomb flew over his head.

The fraternity boys looked awful useless.

Then Roderich rushed out from his door with brand new cloths on and he held his hands triumphantly above his head as he stepped onto the porch. "I have returned!" Another rifle shot went flying and Roderich, shocked, turned to the rifleman's home and started nagging; "Sadiq, you Turkish-you-you-I don't know _vat _to call you!"

Nicolla suddenly realized the resident with the perfect yard had never come out. Maybe it was a bad time to notice but it was also a bad time for the paperboy to arrive.

A blur of blonde and blue flashed by on a tricycle and hurled a paper at the French model blonde guy. It hit him square in the nuts. He shrieked in pain and slumped to the ground.

Then the little shit chucked a package at some of the cats still on the porch, nearly missing a round of shots as he continued on to the next house. He threw papers to the homes on the left and the ones on his right like a pitcher aimed for the batter's nuts. When he reached the house to the right of the fraternity, a tall, lanky man peeked out from behind his door and caught the newspaper the paperboy threw.

The paperboy turned to Nicolla and hurled a paper right over the cab. It flew right at Nicolla and hit her in the face.

He stopped and shouted, "New here, aren't you?" in a heavy English accent. Nicolla pulled the paper off her face and rose her brows. This had to be the weirdest time to have a conversation; everyone's screaming and crying behind me, let's ask this lady if she's new after I bitch-slap her with a newspaper. Nicolla decided he looked maybe twelve or fourteen. He kick-started his tricycle and glanced at her one last time. "Welcome to hell, bitch!"

Well, she thought he said bitch; he actually said 'lady.' She gave him the bird, anyway.

Then the paperboy finally reached the vacant home and shattered a window with a bundle of papers before riding off into the smoke set. Nicolla stared after him until he had disappeared around a corner.

From further down the street she heard someone roar, "KNOCK THAT THE HELL OFF!" A second later she noticed Mr. T-_the_ Mr. T-standing on the porch of the Mr. T house. And here she thought it had been a fanboy.

In the next moment, the Turkish rifleman had run out of ammo and he withdrew back into his tower while the cat man prepared to chuck another bomb. He threw it out the window; Nicolla heard the door unlocking behind her. As the smoke bomb flew through the air, a sudden gust of wind pushed it Nicolla's way.

She saw it coming and quickly raced to the railing. "Oh, shit!" she gasped as she lunged over the rail and landed right behind the thick shrubs.

"What the fuck is _going on_?!" An abrupt voice rang behind her. It had to be Lovino, but before she had the chance to check, the house was enveloped in a thick, gray mist.

OxxOxxVxxOxxO


	3. Chapter 2, Worst Cousin of the Year

**So the first chapter was a little confusing, but don't worry about it; the third chapter will be all about explaining who's who and their relationships. This chapter is preparing for that. So anyway, review/fav/follow (you know you want to!). ** **I'll be gone for a few days starting Friday, but I promise I'll definitely be back by next Tuesday! So stay tuned! XD Stay awesome, guys and keep those reviews coming! –Cappy**

OxxOxxVxxOxxO _Chapter 2 : Worst Cousin of the Year_ OxxOxxVxxOxxO

The entire house was shrouded in a dense mist. Nicolla had lost herself to a coughing fit and Lovino was stumbling down the steps in front of her. He exited the smoke, sputtering and snorting wildly and stepped on the cabby's hand. He fell against the taxi and reeled back.

"What the fuck is _this_?!" He roared, kicking a tire so hard he felt one of his toes pop. "Ah, fuck!"

"S-s-sir!" The cabby sputtered. "I just w-want you to know, it's not my fault here!" He pointed in the direction of the shrubs.

Lovino whirled. "Bastard, I know _exactly_ why you're-a here-a, you ball sucker!" He turned back to his home, unaware half the neighborhood's eyes were trained on the back of his head. "You're-a here with that bastard, Nicolla! Hey, you damn klepto, come-a the fuck out!"

Nicolla could hear him calling her through the fog. He knew the cabby had driven her to his home. How did he even know she was coming? Maybe she drunk called him? She didn't move. Instead she grabbed the lighter out of her back pant's pocket and searched her pockets for a cigar. Soon she realized she hadn't one left; the other packs were in one of her suitcases.

"Nicolla, get-a your damn ass out here!" Lovino roared.

"Lovino, it's rude to behave zat way before your neighbors!" Roderich nagged.

"It's-a _my_ fucking business, not _yours_!" Lovino countered, irritated. People just loved interrupting his arguments. Then usually he was turned into the bully and whoever began the argument was the victim. "That bastardo Nicolla is-a in that damn fog, dammit!"

"Dude, you sure you're not hallucinating or whatever?" One of the fraternity boys shouted.

"Fuck you, Alfred!" Lovino shouted back. "You don't even know what a fucking hallucination is!"

"Yeah I do!" Alfred said.

"It's not a sexual fantasy!"

There was silence, then, "Oh," from across the street.

Lovino turned back to the house. "Nicolla, you bastard, come out or-a I'll fucking drag your ass out here myself!"

That was like saying 'you're dead either way.' Grudgingly, Nicolla slowly stood and clambered out from behind the bushes just as the fog had begun to settle. Lovino narrowed his eyes when she emerged with a lighter lodged between her fingers and a sappy frown on her lips.

It was like Michael Myers emerging from the mist; you wished he were dead by now but that was just too much to ask.

She stumbled over one of the steps and collided against the ground, the lighter flying off into one of the bushes. The fraternity boys 'ooh'd and she quickly picked herself back up. "Hey," she greeted casually, "Sup? Long time no see, aye?"

"B," one of the other fraternity boys said.

"You have pretty…uh…" Nicolla pursed her lips, thinking of a word to describe the residents. "Uh, they're awesome!" Lovino narrowed his eyes and his hostility level rose. "You're neighbors? Yeah! You're gonna introduce me later, ri-"

"Who the hell are you?" That brat next door called.

Lovino flicked him off.

"Yo, I'm Nicolla," Nicolla offered. Lovino narrowed his eyes until they were evil slits. "What?"

"Give her hell, Lovi!" The white haired fraternity boy yelled.

Lovino whirled around. "Shut the fuck up, bastards!" He screamed. He refocused on Nicolla, "You didn't even-a fucking tell me you were coming, a-"

He stopped, finally realizing everyone was watching them. Normally he wouldn't care and would bitch someone out anyway but he didn't want anyone interrupting him in this argument. Storming to her, he grabbed her arm and dragged her towards the front door.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Nicolla whined, though it was really just mock pain, as she went stumbling after him. "God, don't be that guy, Lovi-"

"Shut the hell up!" Lovino snapped

"Sir!" The cabby called. "What do I do with the-"

"Leave it on-a the damn curb!" Lovino snapped. "Don't fucking bother bringing it in-a, leave it the hell out here and-a get lost!"

"A'ight, start cleaning!" Nicolla heard Mr. T rage from his doorstep.

Lovino pushed Nicolla inside his home and slammed the door shut, locking it with a series of locks. Nicolla noted there were more than eight of them. "Bastard!" He roared, slapping Nicolla over her head. "What the _hell _are _you_ doing _here_?!"

"It's like this," she started. "I need a place to stay for collage, so-"

"Need a place to stay?" Lovino echoed; Nicolla wasn't sure if it were out of bewilderment, surprise, or fury. "A fucking-a place to stay, that's-a what you fucking said? Damn _right_ you need a place, bastard!"

Nicolla's heart rose steadily, supposing he meant she could stay anyway. "Oh, nice you understand!" She smiled in relief. "Didn't think you'd understand! Thought I was a goner-"

"Oh, you fucking are!" Lovino boomed, skulking off to the kitchen, desperate for a tomato like a cigarette. "I-a need a damn tomato." As Nicolla followed him she stumbled over Lovino Jr. who was resting in the doorway. "Watch-a out for my turtle, bastard!"

Nicolla mumbled an apology and picked herself up. She glanced at the turtle and sulked in the nearest corner. "Come on, Lovino, I need a-"

Her cousin suddenly turned to her with a false, twitching smile. "A fucking place to stay? Is that what you-a fucking want?"

Nicolla shifted her eyes around, close to sober now. She should have felt embarrassed and pitiful that she hadn't called her own cousin to tell him she was coming but she didn't have the capability to quite understand he meant what he said in this situation. She was an optimist and she believed Lovino couldn't mean half the things he was saying. Besides that, Lovino seemed like he would be fun to mess with. "Uh, yeah, if you won't be a dick about it-"

"Fuck off!" Lovino cut her off, boiling to the point his face was literally purple. He stormed off into the study and Nicolla started to follow him but thought better of it when she stopped next to the table and noticed a bullet hole in the marble surface. She flinched. "I don't fucking need-a you here in-a _my_ house!"

Nicolla turned to face the living room set comfortingly next to the foyer. There were large windows where anyone could see the kitchen through. She thought she saw a bush shiver but decided it was wind. "Hey, Lovino, you ever smoke weed?"

"Shut the fuck up, you're-a giving me a headache!" Lovino grabbed the letter from Feliciano and another one off his desk. He was torn; should he kick Nicolla out like he should? Or should he keep her, like the letter he'd received that morning begged him to do? He stormed back into the kitchen, stopping before Nicolla and waving the thirteen pages in her face.

"Feliciano told me you were-a comin' to _visit_! He didn't say anything about you _staying_! You wanna know why I'm-a fucking stuck right now?!" He exclaimed. Nicolla reeled back and shrugged wordlessly. "Because I-you have dark bags under your eyes." Nicolla laughed nervously annoyingly high-pitched, knowing where this was going, and opened her mouth to say something but Lovino quickly interrupted her; "You're-a fucking drunk! Dammit, you-a drank too much on the plane?! So you're an alcoholic, too, now!"

"Nah, man!" Nicolla said, raising a defensive hand. "I-I had a little wine! Really!"

Lovino flapped the papers in her face again. "You know why I can't decide if I should kick your ass out or not? Because your damn parents sent me a letter this morning telling me that if I-a kept you here they would be-a fucking paying me _three hundred_ a month for babysitting your damn ass, bastard! Did they get tired of you, too?"

Nicolla looked slightly crestfallen but merely shrugged. "Uh, maybe." Something outside the window caught her attention.

"Well, if you're gonna to fucking stay here, I-" He stopped again, noticing the surprised on his cousin's face and groaned. He turned to the window with a death glare.

As he thought, the fraternity boys were right outside the window, laughing and peeking inside. Realizing they were caught they laughed harder and decided to screw with him.

"Hey, Lovino!" The boy Alfred said, "Who's your girlfriend?"

"FUCK OFF!" Lovino screeched, picking up a hammer from the dinner table. The boys doubled over laughing and scrambled away from the window just as the hammer crashed through. Lovino slapped his forehead and rubbed his face.

"You're gonna wanna fix that," Nicolla deadpanned.

Lovino smacked her over her head again. She yelped in surprise. "So why the hell do you wanna stay-a with me, huh?" Lovino wandered, ripping up the letter pages in his rough hands.

Nicolla pulled a hand through her knotted side-bangs; she always kept the window down while driving.

Inside and out, Nicolla was positive Lovino was exaggerating. Why would a cousin kick his own cousin out of the house? It wasn't logical, at least not to her. They hadn't talked in years and suddenly he was throwing her out without getting to know her? Either he was afraid of her or he just hated how similar she looked to Grandpa Rome, their narcissistic grandfather.

"Because the damn family wanted to torture me more?" He continued, throwing bits and pieces of crumpled paper into her face. Some went up her nose and she snorted them out. "So I wanted to-a own a fucking restaurant instead of painting every damn day of my life, so what? They didn't have to kick me out for-a that, dammit! And what about _you_? Did they _pay_ you to come out here and give-a me hell?"

"No," Nicolla said, picking pieces of paper from her brunette hair. "Seriously, I just wanted to live somewhere close. To the campus. Alpha Beta, dude." Lovino glared suspiciously at her and Nicolla knew it was going to take a lot more than drugs to bribe him into believing her.

Several years back Lovino had spoken up for his future against his narcissistic grandfather and was instantly booted from the family. He was given the alternative to move to Russia instead of America but he concluded America would suit him better. After all, it was the 'Land of the Free.' So he packed his things, broke a couple of Grandpa Rome's windows with a pipe he pulled from the kitchen sink, and fled to Miami, where the streets were 'made of sunset.' When he'd first moved to the Neighborhood, he had expected a quiet, peaceful location where he could grow a garden and live leisurely. But the second he stepped out of his car and saw Mrs. Knight watering her plants in her undergarments and a netted robe he knew this place was going to be hell. He'd denied it at first but by seven p.m. the fraternity boys were offering him weed.

He just didn't trust anyone anymore, not even his younger brother, Feliciano, since he had stayed in Rome instead of leaving with Lovino.

"Okay," Nicolla started. Her smile was sloppy and vacant. "I see you hate my guts but I'm dead serious, man. I'm not here to torture you."

"How can I-a fucking tell if you're joking?" He spat.

"If I were joking," Nicolla said, "I woulda said, why did the koala fall out of the tree?" Lovino didn't even blink. "Because it died."

Lovino now understood she wasn't joking but he wasn't entirely sure she was telling him the truth. At least, not the full truth. "You're-a not telling me the-a whole fucking truth, are you, bastard?" Nicolla frowned.

Just then, the doorbell rang five times in a row. Lovino ignored it and was about to continue when it rang again, seven times now. He groaned and stormed to the front door. Nicolla had been curious about her cousin's house since she first stepped in and as he stomped away she peeked inside the study for a quick moment to see there was a painting of Grandpa Rome in all his glory across the room, covered with bullet holes. Though only three had actually hit the painting, the other twenty-three were in the wall.

Honestly, Nicolla didn't hate anyone, but she seriously disliked Grandpa Rome, too.

"Wow," she whispered, admiring the holes in the wall, "He's good."

Lovino opened the door after unlocking every lock with a tight expression. On his porch were the smiling neighbors; Mrs. Knight, standing right before him, Hercules with a cat on his shoulder behind her, followed by Kiku and his older brother Yao, the Asians who lived next door to the Turkish Sadiq, and the fraternity boys Ravis and Gilbert and Alfred.

"Hello, Lovino!" Mrs. Knight greeted.

He slammed the door in her face and stalked back into the kitchen. Nicolla immediately turned from the study and tried to look natural. Lovino noticed her bad acting; "Why the fuck are you-a giving me that look, bastard? What did you do?"

"You really don't like Grandpa, do you?" She said. Lovino finally grabbed a tomato from beside her and she persisted stubbornly; "So I can stay, or…?" He didn't reply, only bit into the tomato like he would an apple. She paused to think of something to say that would piss him off. Just for her enjoyment. "I'll, uh, I'll be your best friend-"

"Oh, hell no!" He exclaimed, whirling to her. "You bastard, you want a fucking place-a to stay!?" He grabbed her arm and dragged her out back. "I'll-a _give_ you a fucking place to stay!"

The backyard was filled with the largest garden Nicolla had ever seen. In one of the back corners there was an old doghouse. Nicolla frowned; where was her bedroom? And the shower? She was dying for one. Lovino dragged her over to the doghouse and pushed her inside before propping up a board over the entrance.

"What the hell?" Nicolla exclaimed, on the fence about whether to feel offended or glad he had developed a sense of humor since she saw him last. Her cousin, her very own cousin, had locked her up in a doghouse. How original. "Hey, hey, Lovino!" She laughed like a dolphin. "Dude! This is pretty original, right? Doghouse, you know?"

"Shut-a the fuck up!" Lovino screamed.

She elbowed the board and it flopped onto the ground. Growling, Lovino grabbed it again and pushed it back up, holding it there. Nicolla pounded again and was slightly disoriented, even though she was to begin with, when the board did not fall over this time. "Hey, where's the bed? And my stuff! It's still out on the curb! Yo, Lovino!"

"Shut up!" He yelled, pinning the board against the doghouse.

"I didn't know you had a dog."

"I don't! That-a damn bastard Mrs. Knight does!" She pounded on the board and Lovino pounded back.

"Yo, dude, that makes no sense!" Nicolla yelled, hitting the board again. "Knock-knock."

"Fuck-a sense," Lovino scoffed. "Who needs it? And your jokes are-a shit. Welcome home, bastard! Enjoy your-a fucking stay!"

After several more minutes Nicolla gave up, slightly annoyed. She wasn't going to get anywhere with him the way he was at the moment though she was too stubborn to let the conversation go. She decided she'd break out after he'd left and give him hell like her parents had stated in the letter. She hadn't intentionally come to stay with her cousin to make his life hell but she sure as hell was going to now. He didn't have permission to smoke her weed, either!

Finally, Lovino huffed triumphantly muttered as he went back inside, closing the blinds of the kitchen windows so she couldn't see in and locking the backdoor. Then he left to send his neighbors away.

When Nicolla was sure he was gone, she pushed over the board and crawled out of the doghouse, muttering. She tried opening the backdoor and wasn't very inconvenienced when she found it was locked. After all, there was still the fence she could climb.

Lovino opened the front door and was about to send his neighbors away but Mrs. Knight pushed past him, muttering, "How rude!" The others shuffled in, following her example. Though Mrs. Knight was only fifty and had been married twenty-seven times to fifteen different men she was still seen as the wise woman of the neighborhood. She was society itself.

"Hey, man!" Alfred greeted.

"Long time no see!" Gilbert chortled.

"Indeed," agreed a rather irritated Yao.

"Hello," Hercules mumbled.

Lovino took a deep breath, his eye twitching as Ravis shuffled in. Then he slammed the door shut and trailed behind them as they followed Mrs. Knight into his 80's green florescent kitchen.

She tripped over the turtle and quickly regained her composure. Hercules stepped over Lovino Jr. and Gilbert, who had been laughing, tripped over its shell and stumbled into Alfred. They both went down, pulling Ravis with them.

"Hey!" Lovino snapped, "Watch out for-a my damn turtle!"

Kiku, alarmed, walked sideways past the turtle and was almost dragged down by Yao when he tripped over it. The fraternity boys stood shamelessly as if nothing had happened and targeted the tomatoes and cheese on the table while Kiku helped his brother up. Yao and Kiku stood opposite the fraternity boys.

"Hey," Lovino hissed, "Don't-a touch my damn tomatoes." The fraternity boys set down the basket but Alfred snuck one down his shirt while Lovino wasn't looking.

"Way to be a dick," Gilbert muttered. Lovino glared daggers and Gilbert scoffed.

Mrs. Knight looked around before turning to Lovino. "Where is your ex beau?" She inquired.

Lovino gaped furiously. How the hell had they come to _that_ conclusion? "_What_?! My ex?! You ba-" Mrs. Knight gave him a haughty look. "She's-a not my ex! She's my _cousin_, dammit!" The fraternity boys laughed and the other neighbors 'oh'd.

Kiku, who had seated himself on one of the kitchen table stools, wasn't paying attention to the argument. His sight was settled on the broken window in the living room. He had thought he'd heard a crash.

Then he saw Nicolla rush by outside to the curb. Kiku watched curiously as she picked up some of her baggage and raced to the porch. She was gone from view for a moment-Kiku was positive he heard thumping on the roof-before reappearing as she fell into some shrubs.

Kiku, confused, watched as Nicolla ran back to the curb, grabbed a couple more bags, and disappeared again. There was another thud and then Nicolla hopped down from the porch ceiling. Kiku broke out into a cold sweat; was she going to be okay taking tumbles like that? He glanced at Lovino, determined to keep his eyes away from the window while Nicolla was still out front. Knowing him he probably had verbally abused her and then kicked her out.

"So she left because she's allergic to turtles?" Mrs. Knight said suspiciously, staring intently at Lovino.

"Yes!" Lovino snapped, sinking further into his lie. If any of these idiots liked Nicolla he'd never be rid of her. "She said she was-a disgusted with Lovino Jr. and-a left!"

Gilbert looked suspicious but what did he know; he had failed the eighth grade four times. Alfred glanced at the turtle who was waddling around the table. Lovino treated that thing like a human being, like it could understand half the things he was saying. But it was a turtle; it didn't even know what pie was. Its brain was probably the size of a fly.

"You realize it's a turtle, right?" Alfred said slowly.

Lovino clenched his jaw. Why did everybody underestimate Lovino Jr.? He was a mastermind! "Don't insult my turtle, ba-" Mrs. Knight coughed. Lovino shot her an annoyed glance and continued, "Don't insult-a the turtle." There was another knock on the door and Lovino turned, scowling and boiling, to answer.

"Uh-um, Lovino-kun!" Kiku exclaimed. Lovino turned just as Nicolla tumbled off the roof again. Everyone stared at Kiku expectantly. He swallowed. "May a have a grass of water? I'm, er, _very_ thirsty." Nicolla returned to the porch with another bag and disappeared again. Kiku inhaled deeply, relieved.

Lovino grunted and pointed to one of the cabinets above the sink. "Don't-a fucking break any of the glasses."

Kiku bowed and slid off his stool, murmuring thanks as he grabbed a glass and filled it with sink water.

Gilbert made a face at Lovino while his back was turned, made an obscene gesture, and then flicked him off. No one in the neighborhood really liked Lovino. For one, he had a horrible temper. Two, he criticized everyone, and I mean _everyone_, even the hot chicks at Hooters. Three, he wasn't willing to deal with his freaky ass neighbors.

The entire neighborhood had already decided the new neighbors were either agoraphobic or serial killers based on the face no one had ever seen them and they never left their house. The residents would notice their beat up Cherokee missing from the driveway nearly everyday but no one would see them leave. And they never answered the door. The fraternity boys thought they were serial killers, but they also thought Albert Einstein was an alien from Uranus, pun intended. Mrs. Knight and several others thought they were agoraphobic or just hated big crowds. A small percentage guessed they were involved in Witness Protection. The sorority girls were positive they were vampires and would sparkle if they were out in the daylight for too long.

"I don't think his cousin left," Hercules murmured. "I didn't see her-"

"Yeah, I totally agree!" Alfred exclaimed.

Yao whacked him over the head, "Not so loud, you idiot! Aru, so immature…"

Lovino reached the door and unlocked it again. He was really wishing he hadn't installed all twelve of them. When he opened the door, he was faced by Mrs. Knight's older son, João. He wore his traditional smug, cocky smirk, the one that annoyed Lovino intensely.

"Hola," he seethed. "Where's your boyfriend, Lovino?"

He was referring to his younger brother, Antonio, Mrs. Knight's younger son. Lovino wasn't sure which brother was more annoying; the cocky bastard or the spacy, naïve kid. Come to think of it, Nicolla really reminded Lovino of Antonio; they were both not all there. Well, Antonio was a lot more concrete. Nicolla was like air.

"Shut the hell up, bastard," Lovino spat, tuckered out from all the yelling and fighting he'd already endured that day, and he slammed the door in João's face.

When he arrived back in the kitchen, his company was getting ready to head out. Mrs. Knight glanced at him; "Who was at the door?"

Lovino was about to answer, 'None of your damn business,' when João appeared behind him with a trembling frown.

"Madre," he sniffed. "Lovino wouldn't let me in!"

Mrs. Knight covered her mouth and ran to him, bumping shoulders with Lovino and embracing her son tightly. "Oh, baby! Oh, it's okay, don't worry about it!" She turned to Lovino and slapped him with her three hundred ton purse.

"Ow!" Lovino exclaimed, holding his cheek.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Vargas!" She yelled furiously. The others fidgeted. When Mrs. Knight was mad you didn't want to cross her path. She was like a tornado. "Leaving mi poor baby out in the cold like that!"

"It's-a fucking summer!" He cried. Mrs. Knight slapped him again. "Ow, dammit! Ow!"

Mrs. Knight started screaming in Spanish and slowly Lovino walked towards her, backing her up to the front door. He held his arms up defensively as Mrs. Knight started swinging wildly. Finally he got her through the wide space where João hadn't closed the door and he glanced at the others while Mrs. Knight continued ranting, warning them to leave with her.

They obliged, sheepishly, and exited along with Mrs. Knight, pushing her down the porch steps. Mr. T was still out of his porch and he shook his head; it took every other neighbor who had visited Lovino with Mrs. Knight to hold her back from assaulting Lovino. She was like that rabbit from _Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail_.

"Wait!" She shrieked. "I'm not done with you! I'm not done, you son of a-"

Lovino slammed the door shut and locked it. But Mrs. Knight appeared again, sticking her head through the broken window and she continued yelling at him.

"How could you?!" She cried, tearful now. "You call us bastards, when you're one yourself! Be ashamed, Vargas, be so! I've been living next door to you for seven years! You haven't changed, and I doubt you ever shall!"

Tired of her bullshit, Lovino pushed one of the couches in front of the window and then stormed back into the kitchen for another tomato.

Outside, the neighbors failed to realize the baggage was gone from the curb they were so busy dragging Mrs. Knight away from the house. Nicolla was now sitting on a second floor windowsill, exhausted from climbing. She had carried every bag up on top of the porch roof and had thrown them through a window Lovino had left open. She anxiously watched the neighbors dragging Mrs. Knight across Lovino's yard below, enjoying her ranting.

Nicolla recognized Hercules, the cat man. She couldn't recall how but concluded she'd figure that out later and enjoyed fight while she could. She laughed as Gilbert pushed Mrs. Knight roughly into her own home and shut the door, moving one of the porch chairs in front while João insulted him from behind and shouted at him about locking his mother inside until Gilbert had finally had enough and decked him. João fell backward onto the ground, out cold. Yao started nagging about how immature they were all being and was still scolding Gilbert as Kiku pulled him across the street back towards their home. Alfred was in stitches he was laughing so hard and Ravis looked petrified Gilbert had done something so severe. Hercules waved to Kiku and strolled back casually to his own house.

After Gilbert, Ravis and Alfred had been called back to the fraternity by Roderich, who had witnessed Gilbert knocking João's lights out through a window, Nicolla delved into one of the bags to grab a cigar. Then she realized she didn't have her lighter and sighed, defeated. She couldn't recall where she'd dropped her lighter, either.

Then again, she could just ransack Lovino's room for one.

She decided, "Sure, why not?" and stalked off to find another lighter.

Xxx::O::xxX


	4. Chapter 3, Meet the Neighbors

** Twas delayed, but now, it is here! The third chapter of Dear Bastard, the Novel! **

** Sorry about the inconvenience, guys, but you wouldn't believe how crazy it's been here! All my family is running over to visit and they're taking me on trips to the mall, to the parks, everywhere! It's pretty insane. I meant for this to be out earlier, but I assume we all know how lazy I can be, so I didn't finish this until today. I know, I know, it's pitiful.**

** Anyway, fav/review/follow (you know you want to!) and tell me what you think of the story thus far! I'm eager to know and slightly nervous but you won't kill me, so give me your honest opinion. And forgive me if this chapter seems rushed; I'll edit when I have time.**

**Inspiration: September (Earth, Wind, Fire), The Breakfast Club, The Burbs, Universal Studios' House of Horrors, and the daily fighting I'm going through with the family.**

**Stay awesome! -Twinkies**

Xxx::O::xxX _Chapter 3 : Meet the Neighbors _Xxx::O::xxX

_**Dear Lovino Jr.,**_

_That bastard Nicolla is still around here somewhere, I fucking know it. Don't let her out of your sight or she'll wreck the damn house! If she even ATTEMPTS to open the door bite her damn nose off! The damn thing looks like a bird perch anyway. And guard that damn window! I left the sofa in the way; maybe she'll be too damn fat to fit the fuck through._

_ Keep that bastard out or call me while I'm at the damn office. And don't eat these damn instructions, dammit! Last time you did that Feliciano didn't know how to use the damn stove and almost burnt the whole damn house down. _

_Watch out for her damn claws!  
Lovino Vargas_

_PS: Don't give her any chocolate. She's high enough as it fucking is._

_PSS: Hide the damn strawberries or she'll be all over them. The last time I saw her was at Grandma's funeral and Nicolla stuck the damn things up her nose._

Satisfied, Lovino stuck the note under one of the study table's legs for the turtle. It had been ten minutes since Mrs. Knight had been dragged away and Lovino was absolutely positive Nicolla had escaped the doghouse by now and was skulking around somewhere. He didn't even _want_ to think about what antics she could be up to at that moment.

"She better be-a fucking gone," he muttered, turning for the kitchen.

He stopped abruptly.

Nicolla had just stepped into the kitchen and started searching his fridge, then the cabinets. She clicked her tongue and reopened the fridge again. Lovino, who had been speechless, stormed into the kitchen, furious.

"What the fuck are you _doing_, bastard?" He exclaimed, slamming the fridge door shut on her hand. She screamed in pain and surprise and slid her hand out, rubbing it delicately. "What the _fuck_ are you-a doing?!"

Nicolla jumped back. "I was looking for food, what?"

"_Food_?" Lovino repeated, half bewildered, half confused. "_What_?"

"I'm craving mashed potatoes," Nicolla explained eagerly. She started to search the cabinets again. "Got any?"

Lovino boiled, following her and slamming shut every cabinet. "No, I don't, dammit! Don't-a leave-a the damn cabinets open!"

Nicolla whirled around. "What? No potatoes? Man, Lovino, you need to go to the store right now and buy some!"

"What! Why?" Lovino narrowed his eyes. He had a reason he hated potatoes, but he refused to delve into that topic with Nicolla. _Anyone_ but Nicolla. "I'm-a not buying any potatoes, bastard! I hate them!"

Nicolla rose her brows. It made her heart heavy that her own cousin was strange enough to engage in a battle over potatoes because he hated them. Why _potatoes_? Why not Justin Beiber? "Why?"

"Because-a they're ball suckers!" Lovino spat. "No one needs potatoes, they're bastards."

"Potatoes are bastards?" Nicolla stared at her cousin blankly. "You, uh…why?"

"Because-a they have to take everyone from-a me!" Lovino exclaimed. Being as dense as she was, Nicolla didn't understand his words weren't focused on the potatoes themselves. "Dammit, it's-a not just the family!" He shut the last cupboard and hunched over the counter, sulking.

"Why are they bastards?" Nicolla wondered.

Lovino turned angrily away from her and grabbed a tomato, biting into it greedily. "It's-a nothing, don't worry about it," he muttered, calmly popping the lid off a pill bottle and pulling out a horse pill. He swallowed it down. Nicolla leaned her elbows on the table and reached for a tomato, too. Lovino slapped her hand away. "Don't-a touch the tomatoes, bastard!"

Nicolla wiggled her aching hand and pursed her lips. First he had anger problems, now he had split personalities. He was furious and then he was calm. Was he moderately pissed or severely pissed? Did he want to hit her or didn't he? He seemed to be on the edge of tranquility and anger at the moment. And he called potatoes 'bastards' and declared they were stealing away his family. He really didn't make any sense. She quickly concluded it must have been the three hundred dollars that were holding him back from having it all out with her, and maybe those pills were prescribed for a mental problem of some kind.

"Why don't you like them?" Nicolla asked, genuinely curious.

"Because-a they're fucking bastards," Lovino grumbled. "I thought I-a told you-" he glanced at the clock and choked. "Ten already?! Dammit! I'll be late for work!" He hurried back into the study, grabbing a black suitcase and a red tie that he sloppily tied around his neck. Then he realized he hadn't fit it correctly under the collar of his shirt and redid it. In the background Nicolla snuck a tomato into her shirt.

"Oh, Lovino, do you have a lighter?" Nicolla asked. Lovino turned towards her and stumbled over his turtle. Just for entertainment, she added, "Or a bong. Either works." He braced himself against the wall and a stream of curses erupted from him. "Okay, if you don't, I understand, but-"

"You _are_ a damn druggy!" He shrieked furiously. "I thought Feliciano was-a being a bastard, but you're a damn _druggy_!"

Nicolla shrugged and turned out her pockets. "Well, I'm empty," she told him, though it was partially true. There were two more boxes of cigars in her makeup bag upstairs.

"Why the hell-a does a _girl _smoke-a cigars?" He hissed. Nicolla opened her mouth to reply but Lovino quickly ground out his epiphany; "Let-a me guess: you think since-a Chuck Norris can-a fucking do it, _you_ can."

Nicolla grinned, pleased his train of thought had skipped the fact he'd just kicked her out and yet she'd crept back in untouched. "Yeah, that's right. That's totally right."

What Lovino failed to realize was Nicolla didn't refer to herself as Chuck Norris. She just used him as a scapegoat because no one doubts Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris can doubt you. So if he smoked a cigar and no one told him it was wrong, Nicolla could smoke a cigar without being wrong, too. At least, that was her logic.

Lovino narrowed his eyes. "If-a _I _have to have anger management, then I'm-a enrolling you in-a fucking Alcohol Anono-wait, how did you get it?!"

Nicolla's grin dropped and her eyes bulged from her head; she'd been found out. "I-I-uh-"

"Bastard!" Lovino shrieked, fiddling with his hoop of keys. He pulled out the front door key and grinned deviously. "Ahahaha, bastard." He pushed a sputtering Nicolla towards the front door. "You-a won't be getting back in-a, you fucking bastard."

"Wha-what are you saying?" Nicolla yelped when she collided against a wall. Lovino continued shoving her. The tomato dropped out of her shirt and rolled underneath the coat rack by the door."Whoa, Lovino, wait, stop!"

"Out, out, out!" Lovino exclaimed, laughing maniacally. Avoiding Lovino Jr., Nicolla stumbled out the door and turned to watch Lovino slide his key into the lock slot and twist it. "Ahaha, lock-a the door! Lock it! You'll-a never get back-a in, bastard! Ahaha!"

Nicolla was shoved down the steps where she almost tripped over her own feet. "What do you-wait, Lovino, hang on-"

"Off-a my lawn!" Lovino demanded, skipping towards the garage door. He pushed Nicolla onto the driveway and strolled happily into the garage.

Nicolla stood on the hot pavement, not really minding that she'd left her Mary Janes in the foyer. Though gritty stones stung her feet she found it comforting. Back in Florence she would always walk down the driveway barefooted when retrieving the mail or bringing back the trash can from the curb.

One of the garage doors abruptly opened and Lovino drove out in a yellow Ferrari. Nicolla gaped; who knew Lovino had _tha_t kind of money? A snide, cocky smirk was stretched across his lips as he revved the engine and stomped on the gas right for her. Nicolla didn't move at first, denying the danger she was in. Lovino couldn't be crazy enough to run over his own cousin. Who would do that? But he wasn't stopping in the least and, acting on instinct, Nicolla lunged out of the way, tumbling into her cousin's lawn head first.

She shivered in the damp grass out of trepidation and astonishment. Had Lovino Vargas, her cousin, really just attempted to bulldoze her with a 1971 yellow Ferrari?

Lovino laughed with a malevolent glint in his deep, brown eyes and he paused at the end of the driveway to shout, "The window I-a broke, don't-a think about getting through there. It's-a blocked up with the damn couch-a, bastardo! Grab-a your shit and-a get the hell lost! _Ciao_!" That said, Lovino proceeded to flick her off as he drove down the street past Mrs. Knight's house.

Mrs. Knight rushed out onto her porch steps and wagged her fist high above her head, shouting Spanish insults.

Nicolla just heaved a sigh and stood, brushing off the wet grass sticking to her cloths and hair. She easily dismiss any previous fear or anger she'd felt and she got over things easily. She wasn't in the least inconvenienced knowing the broken window was blocked, she still had the window above the porch Lovino had left open and she'd managed to climb through there from the beginning. It would be no problem to sneak back inside. But Nicolla was curious about her neighbors and she was delighted she could meet them now Lovino wasn't around to hide her away from them. She was melancholy for a moment when she thought about how much hostility and hatred Lovino showed towards her but waved it aside; she'd turn him around sooner or later, with or without drugs.

And in the meantime she'd screw with him every possible chance she got.

Out of the corner of her eye, she was positive she saw someone staring at her through one of the creepy neighbor's window. There was a dark silhouette against the torn, butter yellow curtains. But when Nicolla looked up, they were gone. In any other normal human being there would have been suspicion, or curiosity, or maybe even terror.

But this was Nicolla the druggie, with a fried mind and glazed chocolate eyes. She didn't think anything of it.

Nicolla straightened her hair, which had been mussed, then strolled to the curb edge, noticing several of the neighbor's attention focused on her. Mrs. Knight, Kiku, Ravis, and Hercules were still milling about outside. Mrs. Knight was the first to rush over to Nicolla, wearing a thin pink blouse and khaki shorts with dusty rose flip-flops.

"Why, ¡_hola_!" The elderly woman exclaimed, eagerly taking Nicolla's hand and shaking it. "You're Lovino's cousin!"

Nicolla smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, I am. Nice to meet you…"

"Mrs. Knight," the woman said, sounding almost aggravated. She was secretly irritated Nicolla didn't know who she was but hid it as well as she could.

Nicolla nodded. "Mrs. Knight, yeah."

There was an awkward pause Mrs. Knight kept waiting for Nicolla to break. When she didn't, Mrs. Knight said, "Oh, I can't imagine how rough it is to be living with such a cousin! He hasn't abused you as of yet, has he?"

Nicolla laughed whimsically. "If I had a penny for every time he's verbally abused me since I got here I'd be Bill Gates."

Mrs. Knight's brows furrowed for a moment, unsure who that was. Wasn't that the guy on those Hover Round commercials? Mrs. Knight now realized Nicolla wasn't really all there, what with referring to Hover Round commercial men and speaking so whimsically she sounded like hot air. And she seemed worn down with the dark bags under her eyes. Was she a druggie? "Er, yes, dear. He's quite a hypocrite, is he not?"

Nicolla shrugged, oblivious to what that meant. But she replied pleasantly, "Yeah, sure."

Mrs. Knight cringed, taken aback. Had Nicolla Vargas just been snappy with her? She cleared her throat and tried to look kind. "So, how long has it been since you've seen Var-heh, Lovino?"

Though a large part of her dismissed this, Nicolla was almost positive she heard sharpness in the old hag's tone. Not that she really minded; after all, what fun would it be to have all your neighbors like you? Then you couldn't mess with them without feeling guilty. "'Bout seven years. Yeah, I saw him out in Rome couple months before he got-"

"Hello," a calm, weary voice interrupted.

Nicolla and Mrs. Knight looked up to see Hercules several feet away. He stepped close to the curb and extended a hand towards Nicolla. Mrs. Knight glared at him for interrupting her down time with this new girl.

Nicolla pleasantly shook hands with Hercules then pointed accusingly at him. "Hey, I know you. You're that guy!"

"Which one?" Mrs. Knight hissed under her breath. "There are many of them."

"Hercules Karpusi," he breathed. His voice was like the wind. "We met some time ago…at a Pet Sense in Clarksville, Tennessee."

Nicolla's eyes lit up. "Oh, yeah! I _do _remember you! You had that kitten, Cotton Ball!"

Hercules nodded, though the movement was lagged. "Yeah…I'm glad you remember."

Beaming, Nicolla shoved his shoulder. Mrs. Knight stared at her questioningly, surprised with her rudeness. But Hercules flashed a quick, subtle smile. "That's payback for bumping into me, klutz!"

He sighed a laugh. "Then we are even."

"Aren't you supposed to be cleaning up?" Mrs. Knight hissed.

"I…finished that quite some time ago," he told her. "Damn that Turkish-"

"Karpusi," Mrs. Knight seethed in a warning tone.

Nicolla noticed a hostile glint in Hercules' tired eyes, but it was instantly gone. "Excuse me. Sadiq-" He cringed. "-always screws up my house…and I hate having to clean again."

"He's a dolt," Mrs. Knight muttered. When she noticed a dumbstruck look from Nicolla she brightened her expression. "I mean, yes, he is troublesome, but he is a very kind spirit."

Hercules looked doubtful. "Sure…"

They locked eyes for a moment.

_You're the lamest excuse for a Grecian Fabio I've ever seen,_ Mrs. Knight beamed.

_You're a bastard_, Hercules blinked.

Nicolla failed to notice the jagged tension.

"Ah, good morning!" Said another voice abruptly. The trio turned to Kiku, who looked as if he were contemplating moving up on Lovino's lawn next to Nicolla but then thought better of it. He bowed to Nicolla. "Konichiwa, you're Rovino-kun's cousin."

"Yes, yes I am," Nicolla confirmed calmly but triumphantly. She reached out to shake Kiku's hand. He stared at it a moment then finally took it, creating the most awkward handshake known to the history of man as he tried twisting his own hand around Nicolla's. Then she tried to grab it but he raised his hand higher and higher into the air until it was above his head. Nicolla caught it, as she was several inches taller, and shook it above both their heads, then released it. Kiku flushed but Nicolla didn't seem to mind. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too," Kiku agreed stiffly. He wasn't very good with meeting new people as he usually had poor first impressions due to his shyness. "E-er, I'm Kiku Honda."

"Nicolla Vargas," Nicolla said. An image suddenly popped into her mind: Kiku singing the Sound of Music on top of the Swiss Alps. She chuckled to herself.

"Er, N-Nicorra-san?" Kiku sputtered.

"Don't worry about it," Nicolla snickered. "I'm just stupid."

Mrs. Knight rolled her eyes and turned back to her house, itching to be back in her lingerie again. "Excuse me, I have some business to attend to, if you don't mind."

"We don't," Hercules spat. Kiku fidgeted and even Nicolla noticed the flare in Mrs. Knight's dark gray eyes before she skulked back to her home.

Hercules saw the disappointment on Kiku's face and sighed tiredly. "Forgive me…I just can't stand that woman."

"I-she's not _arr_ that bad," Kiku said edgily.

"She's kind of a _bitch_, isn't she?" Nicolla voiced her opinions bluntly all the time. It was one of her finer flaws.

Hercules whirled to her, pleased she agreed with him. "Yes, yes, she is!" Kiku marveled at this sudden outburst. Hercules was always a quiet man. It seemed he hated Mrs. Knight more than Kiku had thought.

But why would such a gentle, cat loving man show such dislike towards an elderly woman? What sort of grudge was he holding? Kiku was suddenly very curious.

Nicolla just smirked, imagining Hercules beating the old hag over the head with a cat. "You really don't like her, huh?"

Hercules shook his head, abashed from his outburst, but he felt a little more relaxed after getting some of that emotion out. "She is…so…_vile_. I can't stand her."

Kiku shifted uncomfortably. "Er, werr, Nicorra-" She turned to him. "-you're new here. Why don't I introduce you to the other neighbors?"

She grinned warmly, excited at the thought of meeting new people. It would give her a chance to warm them up so that they would possibly a little more forgiving later when she egged their houses. "Yeah, all right. That sounds pretty cool."

Kiku nodded and was about to begin his long speech about how Miami was established and why they decided to build Pandora Avenue 30 years earlier but Hercules beat him to it; "Never…_ever_…walk by Sadiq's home. He will probably…try to punch you."

Nicolla turned all the way around to see Sadiq out in his yard glaring at her through his mask, repeatedly ramming his fist into his palm. She turned back to Hercules. "Does he always wear that thing?"

"Yeah …it's the last thing…his _mother_…gave him before he left Turkey." Hercules murmured, glaring over her shoulder. "I'm better…that's why you're talking to me."

Kiku suppressed a groan while Nicolla grinned widely. "Brilliant. I'm egging him first!"

Hercules shrugged. "Fine by me…I'd…be glad to join you-" Kiku choked. "-but…I have a meeting in the morning with my boss." Kiku sighed with relief.

Nicolla frowned, disappointed but trying not to be obvious about it.

"But maybe Saturday…" Hercules suggested. Then he leaned towards her with a mysterious glint in his dark eyes. "Do you know how to use an Uzi?"

"First thing you _must_ know," Kiku instantly blurted out before Hercules could continue, pulling Nicolla to look at him by her shoulders, "Is to never, _ever_, bring me up in front of Sadiq-san."

"How come?" Nicolla wondered, noticing the terror in his onyx eyes.

"If you do, he'rr think you're trying to outdo him," Kiku explained quickly. "He has a c-crush on me, I-I think. If you say too much he wirr beat you with his stick!"

"He has a stick?" Nicolla exclaimed, suddenly interested in the possibility of being beat to death by a guy in a wife beater holding a stick. "That's badass!"

"No!" Kiku shrieked loudly. His face flushed as Sadiq's eyes narrowed at the back of Nicolla's head, zoning in as if she were a target. He looked ready to slam his fist into her skull. "No, it's rearry not, Nicorra. It's not! I don't rearry know what to do…I have respect for him, as he is my friend, and he's very rovery, but I don't-"

"Tell him he has big feet," Nicolla calmly proposed, noticing she was coming down from her high. Kiku and Hercules exchanged glances. "What? It's a turn off-"

"I agree," Hercules immediately jumped on her suggestion. He looked at Kiku; "Tell him…the bread in his mailbox yesterday…it had cat shit in it."

Kiku and Nicolla stared at him for a moment, digesting what he had said. With her sharp sense of humor, Nicolla finally realized it and busted up laughing. With no sense of humor, Kiku looked dumbstruck.

"Someone bought him _bread_?" Kiku deadpanned.

"Kiku," Nicolla said, layering her hand on his shoulder; he shuddered. "Kiku, Kiku, Kiku." She shook her head and started to laugh again. "What simply happened was Hercules was a troll and he decided to troll Sadiq and it was awesome."

Kiku widened his eyes and nodded slowly, still not getting it.

"If you must pass his house…" Hercules said as Sadiq turned to storm back inside his house to ready himself for work; Hercules gave him the bird, "Then pass through his yard…with a sign that says, 'Greece is Better.'"

Nicolla nodded enthusiastically then stopped herself short. "What if I'm not from Greece?"

"As long as you're cheering for it," Hercules said.

Nicolla suddenly began to wonder why Sadiq and Hercules hated each other so much. Did Hercules steal Sadiq's drugs? Hercules definitely _seemed_ like he was high.

"Next," Kiku said, pointing to the house on Sadiq's right, "That's Mr. T-san's home. He's very anar about peopre in his yard, so don't wark through there. He was recently kicked out of Horrywood for beating up one of the men impersonating him on American Idor a few moths ago and decided to move down here for the weather."

Nicolla craned her neck to catch a glimpse of Mr. T in through one of his windows but saw nothing.

"He is very kind, though." Kiku told her. "When he's not upset with Sadiq-san for driving over his rawn."

"I…don't understand why Mr. T doesn't just…run over Sadiq himself," Hercules muttered. Nicolla imagined Mr. T in a 2007 Cadillac with a spiky choker, driving through Sadiq's house and coming out from the other end followed by a trail of blood, banging his head to _A Thousand Miles_ as the house collapsed.

'I'd like to see you try messin' with _me_ again, boy!'

Kiku turned Nicolla around towards Kiku's home on Sadiq's left. "That is my home. I live there with my onee-san, Yao. Onee-san is a doctor and he is rarery home with his complex schedure. He's very particurar about certain things, so try to be on his good side or you'rr never be aroud in the house."

Nicolla nodded, not quite sure what exactly Kiku had said. It was getting harder and harder to understand him. "All right."

Then, Kiku pointed to his neighbor. "My neighbor is Toris Laurinaitis, a corrage student from Lithuania." Nicolla grinned, impressed with the diversity here. "Apparentry, he reft Lithuania because his onee-san got a new girrfriend and kicked Toris out of the house. He moved here rast year, but I don't know why. His neighbors are the fraternity."

"Yeah, I saw them," Nicolla said.

"Yes," Kiku replied softly "They consist of drugs and weed…I doubt you're into that."

Nicolla shook her head, grinning mischievously. "You have no idea."

"They are Alfred Jones, Gilbert Beilschmidt, Lukas Bondvik, Ravis Galante, Eduard Von Bock, and their fraternity father is Roderich Edelstein." As Kiku spoke their names, each fraternity boy filled out through the front door and strolled down the steps to an ugly gray minivan parked in their driveway. "Alfred-kun is originarry from DC, but he riked the corrage here better."

Though she couldn't understand almost anything Kiku said, Nicolla nodded respectfully.

Alfred, the blonde boy with the geeky glasses, jumped into the driver's seat as the white haired boy climbed in passenger. "That's Gilbert-san. He says he's Prussian, but it doesn't rearry make much sense since Prussia isn't even a country anymore. He says because he's Prussian, he's awesome. Don't deny it or he'rr be upset. He faired the eight grade severar times, so he's order than the other students."

"And beware…his bird," Hercules added over Nicolla's shoulder. Taken by surprise, she twisted her head and knocked it against Hercules'. She groaned and bent over, holding her aching skull, but Hercules wasn't fazed. "His name…is Gilbird. He's very…_very_…annoying. If my cats can't catch him…I doubt anyone could."

"Besides Chuck Norris," Nicolla blurted. Hercules shrugged and nodded, confirming the theory.

_Maybe I'll egg_ _Bird Man first_, Nicolla thought. Then she watched, amused, as that shorter kid with the beige sweater stumbled on the pavement. He stood and hung his head sheepishly as the other kids pointed and laughed at him.

"That's Ravis-kun." Kiku sighed sadly. "He's not very strong, so the older students pick on him. He's a very smart guy, just very…"

"Pussy-whipped," Hercules murmured. Nicolla laughed.

Kiku's face flushed again and he whirled to glare at Hercules. "Hercules-san, please refrain from unnecessary comments." Hercules simply shrugged.

As Ravis slumped into the van, another blonde boy stormed to the driver's seat and opened the door, reaching in and dragging Alfred out by his hoodie. "You're _not_ driving," the boy said and he hopped into the driver's seat instead.

"Lukas-san," Kiku said. "He's Norwegian, from money."

"Nice," Nicolla said admiringly. "A prissy boy."

Kiku flashed her a wary glance but continued as a boy with glasses and a small laptop slid in next to Alfred in the back row of the van, "That's Eduard-san. He's the most interrigent student at the fraternity, but he's obsessed with laptop. I think he may be gay; he doesn't have much interest with the ladies."

Nicolla began to laugh but passed it as a cough; a Japanese guy just said 'the ladies.' "Maybe, maybe." Kiku gave her a strange look.

"Er…Werr, Roderich-sama won't be out today," Kiku went on. "He rarely reaves the fraternity when the students are gone because of the mess he has to crean. They have a party every other evening. Sometimes Roderich-sama wirr reave to go to the corrage where he teaches music and Wellness for the sophomore crass or to go downtown-"

"To Funky Town?" Nicolla interrupted. Kiku gaped at her, confused. "Never mind, go on."

He did so hesitantly; "Er…werr, Roderich-sama…he rikes scones and, er…pastries." It came out as more of a question.

"His neighbor…" Hercules murmured, pointing at the home with the best lawn. "He's…a strange one. He never comes out…All we've gathered is…" There was a long pause. "…He's Russian." Kiku and Hercules then shuddered.

Nicolla stared questioningly. They had been so full of life a minute before. Now they looked like dolls. "What's so bad about that?"

"He's Russian," Hercules repeated, and he and Kiku shuddered again. "Ivan Braginski." They shuddered once more. "He's…"

"Frightening," Kiku whispered, not daring to even glance at the home. "_Very_ frightening."

Nicolla was still confused. "Why? Is he bad?"

"Well…" Hercules squinted at the grass, unsure how to continue. "He…he's just very…dominating. It's rather…uncomfortable…and if you happen to even touch his lawn…he'll beat you with whatever he can find."

Curious now, Nicolla stared at the house. "N-no, no!" Kiku cried, turning her head away. "Don't stare! He's anar about that!"

"But I-" Nicolla began.

"That's my home," Hercules hurried, pointing off to the left side of Ivan's home. It was the cat house. "I like…cats."

"Yeah," Nicolla said, marveling at how many cats could fit on one railing; that was about fifty of them. "Yeah, you do."

"And that's Francis-san's home," Kiku rushed, worried Nicolla would be drawn back to Ivan. _She really isn't all there, is she?_ He thought, concerned. "He's a…er, poster model. He moved from France sometime ago and has lived there, growing flowers, since. He's very kind, just…"

"He sleeps with everyone…" Hercules finished, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at Francis' house as if he would emerge any minute with a nuclear weapon. "_Everyone_…They say…he even slept with his sister."

Nicolla scrunched her nose; no matter who you were or what you were, sleeping with you sister was just wrong. Not that she would actually know, she was an only child. But it wasn't just the rumor that he had slept with his sister that got to her, it was also the word 'model.' Most models she'd ever known or heard of were stuck up and sly. They took pleasure in hurting people's ego just to feel better about themselves and that was a poor way to boost self-esteem. Her high school in Florence hadn't been the largest, but she'd had confrontations with that sort of people.

"Just don't…get involved with him," Hercules wisely told her. "You wouldn't want to be…He has times when he is actually…kind…but usually it's a sham." Nicolla complied; to think she'd actually waved to him just an hour ago!

"Next door to him is the newest resident," Kiku told her. "We don't know who he is, but I've heard he's from Hong Kong."

_Yes, the diversity here really is something!_ Nicolla thought, amazed and quickly over her bitterness towards Francis. It sometimes seemed she didn't have much room for grudges since the cogs in her mind were always changing direction towards something else. She had a short attention span.

"He has a dragon as a tree," Nicolla marveled. "It's so Buick."

Kiku looked at her. "Buick?"

"Means 'big,'" Nicolla explained. "High school language. You know?"

Kiku shook his head. "Er, I don't know. But, er, across the street from him is the sorority. The girrs there are…"

"Geeks," Hercules finished.

Kiku sighed, agreeing with him this time. "Yes…quite so. They're kind though, but they watch too much _Twilight_. It used to be an interesting show, but they ruined it for me."

Their dislike of _Twilight _seemed to be something Nicolla and Kiku had in common. This pleased Nicolla; she was really liking this Asian. He was pretty cool. "I don't like it either."

"Don't terr them that," Kiku told her. "I'll have to introduce you to them later."

"Next door…" Hercules seethed, glaring in Mrs. Knight's direction. "That's Mrs. Knight's house…She's been married twenty-seven times…or something like that. Her husband, Bo…he's strange. Her older son lives with her…He's a bastard."

"Ah, João." Shaking his head, Kiku dismissed any positive thoughts from Nicolla's mind about him. "He's very werr to do, but not as better off as his brother, Antonio. They have a sibring rivary that's been drawn out for years. João doesn't believe in closure and Antonio is a rittle too dense to rearize his mother doesn't care for him. João's brain washed her to berieve Antonio reft the family because he never roved either of them to begin with, but we arr know that's not true."

"So she _is_ a bitch." Nicolla definitely believed in Hercules now.

"Of course," Hercules muttered.

Nicolla remembered her puzzlement in the broken down house and turned to point at it. "Who lives _there_?"

Hercules and Kiku slowly turned, like in one of those thriller movies when the wolf man howls victoriously and the victims knows they're cornered. They leaned their heads back on their necks, grimacing.

"The Clauses…" Hercules breathed quietly.

"They're enigmas," Kiku told her, bracing as if he were ready to run any minute. "No one knows anything about them, though they recently moved in two months ago. They never reave the house. Werr, not that anyone notices. Sometimes we notice they've reft because their car-" Nicolla noted the scathed, beaten up Chevy in their drive way. "-wirr be missing, but we never see them drive away. It's pecuriar. _They_ are pecuriar."

"They're serial killers," Hercules added, his voice was strained.

Kiku gulped.

For a quick second, Nicolla glimpsed a shadow in one of the windows, but with the flitter of the shredded, gray curtains it had disappeared. She took in the paint peeled walls and redneck porch and felt herself shiver as a few crows perched in one of the dead trees; there was definitely something strange about that house.

"Don't you ever see them around town?" Nicolla asked.

"If we do, we don't know it's them," Kiku murmured, afraid his voice had been too loud before. He continued cautiously, "We've never seen them before. At arr. We don't know what they rook rike-"

"Zombies…" Hercules whispered beside Nicolla's ear. She swallowed painfully.

Kiku jumped back, taken by surprise. "D-don't say things rike that, Hercules! You shouldn't assume that sort of thing…"

While the two softly bickered about who the Clauses really were, Nicolla couldn't help but wonder herself. If they left the house, how did no one notice them? Maybe they left early in the morning, before everyone rose from bed? That was a good explanation-Nicolla was quickly distracted by Lovino Jr. tumbling out of the second story window of Lovino's home.

"Ha! Window pain!"

Xxx::O::xxX 


	5. Chapter 4, Missing the Cut

**Hey guys! Finally have the time to update!**

**The days are crazy, I tell you! My family is insane but they're kind enough to drive me places with them. (Score!)**

**Anyway, here is the fourth chapter of the novel, I hope you like it! I found it was easy to type this while reading the Twilight parody, Nightlight, so that's my tag of inspiration. This is also where the dark comedy comes into play. This isn't meant to be a dark comedy, but when you have unexplained themes going on, it's an awesome element to add!**

**Follow/fav/review (you know you want to, you know you care, you know you love it, I'll shut up) and tell me how I'm doing!**

**Stay awesome, guys! –Twinkies**

X::X::V::X::X _Chapter 4 : Missing the Cut_ X::X::V::X::X

Lovino stormed into his office and towards his block, slamming his ticket down on the front desk for speeding earlier that day.

"Again, Lovino?" The desk lady, Amy Porter, said. She was a tall blonde lady; slightly overweight, but she had classy features that kept people guessing her age. "This is the third time this month."

"The cops-a were high!" Lovino exclaimed. "They-a thought I was a fucking drunk! Did I-a tell you my damn cousin, Nicolla, is here to fucking stay with-a me?! She's a damn druggie!"

"Well, the boss doesn't deal with your court time, Lovino." Amy sighed. "You know that. When's your court date?"

Lovino grunted, refusing to answer, and stomped off until his block buddy, Wayne Myers, caught him. Wayne was like Nicolla: a druggie. He had dark bags under his eyes, Lovino noticed, as he usually did, and his breath smelled like vodka.

"Hey, man!" Wayne exclaimed, shaking Lovino's hand wildly. Lovino noted half the hair on the left side of his head had been shaved off. "I was up at a party last night, dude! The fraternity's! How's it goin', dude?"

Lovino scowled, his gut pulsing. Yes, Wayne was very much like Nicolla. And of course Wayne had been at the Alpha Beta fraternity's party, everyone went. That's why Lovino never slept. "I'm fine, bastard. Get you're hand off of-a me." He pulled back as Wayne broke out into a fit of high-pitched giggles. "What's-a so funny?"

"It's your lucky day, man!" Wayne exclaimed, grabbing a confused and irritated Lovino by his upper arm and dragging him off towards the manager's office. "You finally got the promotion, man!"

Lovino's heart skipped a beat. This was what he had been waiting for, for seven years: a promotion from an office worker to CEO! He had been promised the job many, many times, as he had the correct skills for it, but they had never confirmed it until now. But Lovino hesitated, what if this was another one of Wayne's cruel jokes?

"What are you on about, bastard?" Lovino asked as he bumped into the coffee kid, Adam, and knocked the scalding coffee on him. Adam jumped and screamed. "What do you mean 'the promotion?'"

Wayne giggled again and pushed another office worker into a block wall. "Dude, the promotion! The one you've been working for all your life, man! Mr. Berwald's finally giving it to you!"

"What-a happened to that-a bastard Mike?" Lovino wondered suspiciously.

"He got caught smok_iiiin'_!" Wayne told him cheerfully. "He got _weed_!"

Lovino grunted; he knew that was going to happen. Everyone in Miami was a druggie. But Mike was quickly forgotten when Lovino found himself pushed through Mr. Berwald's office door and collided against his table. Mr. Berwald, a lean, tall, Swedish businessman with bulky square glasses and pale blonde hair, sat patiently in his seat behind the desk, eyeing Lovino like a hawk would a mouse. Lovino jumped up and landed in one of the velvet seats, his heart speeding at an ungodly pace.

"Mr. Berwald, sir," Lovino said as calmly as he could, though his voice quivered and his limbs shook. He glanced over his shoulder when someone banged on the office glass.

Wayne grinned absently and gave Lovino a thumbs-up. "Good luck, man! Don't screw up!" And he hurried on.

"V'rg's," Berwald greeted icily, leaning forward so that he could rest his elbows on the table and fold his hands under his chin. "I need t' t'lk to you about th' pr'motion."

Lovino gulped and nodded. "Y-yes, sir."

Lovino had always hated Mr. Berwald. He was a bastard with his I'm-so-cool-everyone's-lookin'-and-I'm-an-attention-whore attitude and good looks. Lovino had told himself time and time again the next time he saw Mr. Berwald, he was going to beat the shit out of him. But Lovino was an all-talk-no-action kind of guy. He was pussywhipped. Hercules' favorite word.

"I'm not actu'lly g'ving it t' you, th'gh," Mr. Berwald said almost pleasantly. Lovino blinked, not sure if he had heard his boss correctly. "D'd y' hear me? I'm not act'lly g'ving it t' you."

Lovino's mouth went dry. Had Berwald just called for Lovino to come to his office just to tell Lovino he was screwing him again? Was this Punked or bullshit? "Excuse me?"

"I'm n't g'ving you th' pr'motion," Mr. Berwald said again. "Y'r Anger M'nagement is in th' way."

Boiling, Lovino's face grew purple as the clock ticked annoyingly on the wall. "You fucking call-a me in here just-a to fucking tell me you're-a not giving me the fucking promotion I-a deserved years ago?"

Berwald shrugged. "It's n't pers'nal. Just buisn'ss."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Lovino shrieked, instantly on his feet and leaning over the table until he was almost touching his boss' nose. "What the fuck is-a your PROBLEM?! Do you-a just not-a give a fuck about the damn corporation any-fucking-more?! You're-a fucking sick, you bastard! What-a the hell is your problem?! Give-a me the damn promotion or I'm-a fucking WALKING!"

"I d'n't like your l'nguage.," Berwald murmured sharply with cold irritation. He stood up, pushing Lovino back with his dominating and intimidating aura. "G' ahead 'nd walk, Vargas. Y're fired."

"You-a fucking can't!" Lovino shrieked, "I already fucking quit! And-a who the hell would-a wanna work for your pussy ass, anyway? Does the damn king-a of England know you raided his fucking wardrobe? Because you look fucking retarded—"

"V'rg's," Berwald growled. "Out 'f my 'ffice b'fore I c'll secur'ty."

Lovino's eyes widened with fury and his vision was slowly deteriorating. He'd been in the damn office for three minutes and already his career was shot. There was so much more he wanted to say. He wanted to shove his briefcase up Berwald's ass and shove a lighter down his throat.

But he was too afraid to actually do anything, so he turned and stormed out of Bell South office. Forever.

X::X::X::O::X::X::X

Nicolla strolled down the sidewalk towards the sorority with Lovino Jr. in her short's pocket and Kiku by her side. Hercules had rushed back home when Sadiq broke in through a back window and they were still out back yelling at each other. Hercules was accusing him of swiping his cats and Sadiq was accusing Hercules of screwing his mother.

"They do that all the time?" Nicolla wondered to Kiku as Francis' house blocked their view of Sadiq and Hercules.

Kiku nodded sadly. "Hai. Nearly every day. It's quite annoying, to be honest, since I cannot have a furr conversation with either of them for more than a few minutes."

"That sucks," Nicolla said. She was much calmer now and rather tired after falling from her drug high. The buzz was wearing off and she was incredibly weary, but Nicolla was too stubborn to take a nap. Hell, she was too stubborn to do most things. Like when she wanted to watch TV but the remote was on the seat next to her, just out of her reach. "Maybe they can go hang out at a destruction derby and beat the shit out of each other there."

As she said that, an older woman with flowing brunette hair appeared on the street beside them on a storm gray bike and she peddled furiously past them.

Nicolla had been joking but Kiku misunderstood; he stared incredulously at her. "N-Nicorra-san, I don't think that wourd be—"

"Relax, dude," Nicolla laughed. "I was kidding. You're like my mom. She worries too much and takes everything too seriously…" She sighed heavily at the end and ran her tongue over her teeth.

Kiku glanced questioningly at her. "Niccora-san? Are you arr right?"

Nicolla looked at him, her eyelids drooping as if he had caught her in deep thought. "Huh?" Then she realized what he had asked and instantly became livelier. "Oh! Oh, nah, I'm all right. Tired is all."

Nodding, Kiku stopped suddenly and pulled Nicolla close to him. Taken off guard, Nicolla clocked heads with him and they groaned until the pain had ebbed away. "Sorry, man."

"No," he said. "It's arr right. But I need you to risten werr, Nicolla. Okay?"

Nicolla furrowed her brows and glanced around for Sadiq. "Turkey man doesn't want my ass, does he?"

"N-no, no," Kiku stammered. "He's not here. But risten; in front of the students at the sorority, don't bring up Rovino."

Nicolla stared at him, confused. "Uh, why?"

"They arr have crushes on him," Kiku deadpanned. Nicolla frowned. "No, rearry. They arr have developed very rarge crushes on him and have convinced themserves they're in rove."

"Do they think he loves them?" Nicolla asked. She imagined herself videotaping in a tree while tall, geeky girls hiding in bushes stalked Lovino.

Kiku looked concerned and nodded slowly. "Yes. They berieve he roves them all and wants a foursome."

Nicolla's eyes widened. Did Kiku even know what that meant? "Oh, dude…that's funny shit!"

"Werr, the onry one not in rove with your cousin is the sorority mother, Elizabeta-sama," Kiku said. "She's in rove with Roderich-sama."

"Oh, that's nifty," Nicolla said, though she didn't really care.

"Yes, werr, it would be…" Kiku sighed. "If she'd keep off her bike. She goes on drive-bys past the fraternity nearry every day."

Just as he had said the last word, the woman on the bike had just made her fifth loop in front of the fraternity. She promptly crashed into Lovino's mailbox.

"Does he ever notice her?" Nicolla wondered.

Kiku shook his head. "No."

"Oh." Nicolla's frown was lopsided. "Bummer."

As Kiku and Nicolla chatted before the sorority, three girls stood inside on the third floor, eyeing the duo through a dirty window. They recognized Nicolla; they had witnessed Lovino forcing her into the dog shed like the stalkers they were.

"Must be his ex," one of the girls said for the fourth time since the event had occurred. She was very, very tall with short-cropped blonde hair, dressed like she had raided Alice in Wonderland's wardrobe. "It must be!"

"Ssh, Bella," another girl whispered, this one brunette and with wide, light brown eyes. She wore a dusty pink kimono. "They're talking."

"Meimei," the third murmured. She was quite tall with long, brown hair that reached her mid back, also dressed in a kimono. "We can't hear them from here. What's the point?"

"Lein-" Meimei started, twisting toward her.

"Who is it?" Another girl wondered around the corridor corner. Cute, short, blonde hair, wearing a light pink dress.

"Don't worry about it, Lili," Lein told her, waving her away. "Go peel uncommonly large potatoes."

Lili frowned but kept herself upbeat as she walked back down to the kitchen. The girls there treated her like Cinderella.

"But she was with Lovino," Meimei continued jealously. "She must be connected to him in some way."

"Well, we'll find out soon enough!" Bella growled, stomping away to find their sorority mother. "Miss Elizabeta! We've got company!"

"Bella, she's not here!" Lein reminded her. Bella began muttering to herself and stormed to go open the door herself.

Nicolla reached towards her right ear and placed a hand over it. "I'm sensing…a disturbance."

Kiku's eyes widened. "This may mean troubre. Come, ret's get this visit over with."

As they continued up the sorority driveway, an ice cream truck bounced by, followed by a crowd of kids. Nicolla turned, excited, but Kiku pushed her back up the path to the front door. He rang the doorbell and shivered out of trepidation when he heard shouting from beyond the door.

Nicolla patted Lovino Jr. in her pocket and suddenly thought of something. "Hey, Kiku—" he turned to her. "—are they by any chance terrified of turtles?"

Kiku looked thoughtful, then shrugged. "I'm not sure. But they are afraid of armost everything."

Nicolla's lips formed an O and she nodded deviously. "Awesome." Lovino Jr. squirmed in her pocket.

Finally, the door opened a crack, and Bella peered out. "Password?"

Nicolla glanced at Kiku, understanding what he and Hercules had meant earlier about these people being weird. Little did she know, this was only the beginning.

"Berra," Kiku sighed, "Ret us in."

"No, Kiku," Bella practically hissed, "You gotta tell me the password."

Kiku sighed again. "_Edward is so hot the entire worrd is going to exprode one day because he's so hot_."

Bella closed the door. There were a series of clicks and the door reopened. Bella grinned at Kiku. "Hello, and welcome to the Miami Sorority of Alph-Alpha!" She nodded as Kiku sidestepped her and glared at Nicolla as she strolled in.

The interior of the sorority was lavish with paintings on every wall and purple and blue velvet furniture. There were cardboard cutouts of the Twilight cast everywhere, even looking down from the chandelier. It looked like the kind of house a lunatic would live in.

Nicolla whistled. "Nice place you got here."

Bella hmphed and shut the door, locking it before settling onto one of the couches in the living room. "Isn't it? It's simply lovely. It suits us girls here; we're all so intelligent and clever. Any guy would beg to have one of us."

Bella was trying to outdo her, but of course Nicolla didn't understand. It just made her impression about the girls a little more awkward. Then the rest of the girls filed down the stairs, besides poor Lili, and gathered in front of the staircase, striking poses they thought were sexy. And maybe they would be to a blind guy.

"Girls," Bella said, her voice echoing about the tiled walls, "This is…"

Nicolla realized they wanted a name and pushed her awkward thoughts out of her mind. "Oh, I'm Nicolla Vargas."

All the girls gasped and one of them fainted. Nicolla jumped back like a snake had bitten her and Kiku suppressed an exasperated groan. Bella fell out of the loveseat and sat on her hands and knees, glaring daggers at Nicolla.

"God, you guys really are weird," Nicolla murmured. The girls gasped and glared harshly. "What? What the hell do you want? A cookie? I don't have cookies, but I've got—" she pulled Lovino Jr. out of her pocket. "—a turtle!"

"My God!" One of the girls screamed and she rushed back up the staircase with four other screaming girls who were dragging the fainted up with them. "The horror! _The horror!"_

"Why did she bring that—that _thing _in the house?!" Lein cried, holding on to Meimei.

"Innit cute?" Nicolla cooed.

"P-put that down!" Bella shrieked, crawling backwards towards the kitchen. "You—you _man stealer_!"

Nicolla frowned, confused. Kiku covered her; "Nicorra-san and Rovino-kun are not married." Nicolla swore she heard him add '_baka_' under his breath. The girls peered over the edge of the second floor railing.

"They're not?" One of the girls whimpered.

"No!" Kiku exclaimed, almost hitting his tolerance level. "She's Rovino-kun's cousin."

X::X::X::O::X::X::X

While the sorority girls cheered up and pretended to like Nicolla, Antonio Hernández Carriedo was on his way home after driving across the state from Georgia to visit his family, like he did every couple weeks. Excitement buzzed in his heart as he passed Tallahassee on the freeway and headed straight for Miami.

_I wonder how madre is_, he thought warmly. _And Lovino! I hope he is well! I've missed him._

As he switched into another lane, he cut off a Prius that almost rear-ended him. The driver yelled something inaudible and flicked Antonio off. Antonio failed to notice. Though he was intelligent, he was a blonde at heart.

"I know what I should do!" Antonio suddenly exclaimed, accidentally stomping on the gas pedal and nearly crashing into the Porsche ahead of him. "_Voy a cantar! Para Lovino! Sí, sí!"_

Caught up in his excitement, he started speeding 120 down the road and wove in between every car he could. He bounced in his seat and turned up his radio a second later when _I Can't Dance_ began.

'I can't dance. I can't talk. Only way about me is the way I walk.'

Antonio sang along with the chorus and mumbled the rest of the lyrics since he didn't know them. The music had grabbed his undevided attention; he wouldn't have noticed the cop cars chasing him if they had crashed Seto Kaiba's jet on his head.

X::X::X::O::X::X::X

After explaining what Nicolla was doing in Miami and why she was staying with her cousin to the sorority girls, Bella made it in her best interest to make Nicolla feel at home there. She decided she'd butter her up and get some information about Lovino out of her.

Bella cleared her throat from where she was back on the loveseat. "So, Nicolla," she said. Nicolla looked up with Lovino Jr. in her lap. "Can you please throw that thing away?"

"But it's Lovino's turtle," Nicolla told her. Bella's eyes widened; Lovino had a turtle? "If I lose it, Lovino's gonna castrate me!"

"You mean burn you at the stake," Kiku said quietly.

Nicolla shrugged. "Yeah, yeah, same thing. Anyway, if I lost the turtle—"

"What's its name?" Bella asked.

"Lovino Jr.," Nicolla answered cheerfully.

Bella gaped like a fish, now thinking of the turtle as a celebrity. "E-eh? Lovino Jr. you say?"

"Yeah!" Nicolla giggled as Lovino Jr. started chewing on her hand. "Innit cute?"

Bella stood. "Lein!" She shrieked. "Grab a camera and come down here and take a picture of me with the turtle!"

Lein appeared with a Polaroid in the next second. Bella grabbed Lovino Jr. and pushed Nicolla out of the chair. Then Lein said, 'Smile!' and took the picture. Bella jumped up, excited, and looked at the picture that had been taken: her with Lovino Jr. and one of Nicolla's feet in the bottom left corner.

"It's beautiful!" Bella sighed, on the verge of tears.

"I want a picture with it now!" Lein said and then Meimei appeared on the second floor.

"If you two are fighting over taking a picture with a turtle, then it must be important enough for me to want to as well!" She exclaimed, rushing down the staircase. "Let me take a picture! Lili! Come out and take a picture of me with this turtle!"

"Angelique and I want a picture!" One of the other girls shouted, dragging poor Angelique Laroche, the second newest girl from Seychelles, down the stairs with her.

"Victoria, you got your picture with Lovino when we were out stalking him Tuesday!" Lein exclaimed sternly. "You can wait!"

Kiku hurried over to Nicolla and helped her off the floor. "Are you arr right, Nicorra-san?" He asked, concerned with the forming bruise on her cheek from where she'd been hit by the chair's arm.

Nicolla laughed, waving aside his concern. "Nah, I'm fine! But let's grab the turtle and ditch this place—" Kiku gulped as all the sorority girls slowly turned to Nicolla, who was shouting over them all. "—and row back to Spain! Get it? El Dorado? Anyway, this place is a Twilight Horror Show! I'm ditch-"

"Did you just insult Twilight?" Meimei murmured, horrified.

Nicolla wasn't even aware of what she had done to deserve the sudden hostile change of atmosphere. She shrugged hesitantly and frowned. "Uh…maybe?"

There was a long silence that lasted almost a full minute. Then, Bella pointed at Nicolla and shouted, "GET HER!" and a pack with a force over nine thousand barreled towards her.

Nicolla's eyes widened in horror; this was going to hurt like hell. "Oh, boy."

X::X::X::O::X::X::X

After another half-hour, Antonio was speeding through downtown Miami. He had unknowingly given the cops the slip when he almost hit a swerving Sudan. Turns out, the driver was DUI, and the officers instantly noticed the moment he crashed into a Pawn Shop sign pole. They had forgotten about Antonio. The officers had a one-track mind in Florida. Antonio skipped three red lights, missed a couple jaywalkers, and was singing what little lyrics he knew of _A Thousand Miles_ while he called his mother's home phone. He had already tried eight times, but what's one more?

As he turned the corner onto Pandora Avenue, he noticed a wall of smoke several feet from him. Thinking it was just Hercules and Sadiq trying to burn down each others houses again, he ignored it and drove through, bobbing his head when the piano solo returned again. In a matter of seconds, he was in front the sorority and he immediately stopped at the sight.

There, in the front yard, were the sorority girls, who had some kid chained to a telephone pole, surrounded by flames with a ring around her neck that looked like something off of Yu-Gi-Oh!. Kiku was being held back by the Vietnam girl, Lein, and Bella was holding the Book of the Vampires and shouting something in Belgium. The girl from Taiwan, that Meimei girl, was holding a heavy looking stake that was pointed directly at the kid's chest.

Usually, the only time the sorority girls would even think of a staking would be either when someone besides them had a clear shot to Lovino's heart or when they insulted Twilight. What had this kid done?

"Is this even legal!?" The kid exclaimed, struggling with the chains. "You're not really gonna stake me, are you? Come on! So one person doesn't like Twilight, you're giving me hell for it?! Tell you what, keep the turtle! Keep the turtle and get me the hell down from here! Kiku! Save me! Someone make a movie out of this!"

"Bella!" Antonio shouted from his car. Bella turned half way around, still chanting Belgium. "Isn't this illegal?"

"Oh, what do you care, Toño?" Lein shouted pungaciously. "You love Twilight! This isn't your battle."

Quite the contrary, Antonio _used_ to love Twilight. He hadn't since the girls had tied him to an office chair and forced him to watch a marathon of the same movie for eight hours. "Bella, _por favor_, let the girl go."

"Never!" Bella shouted then resumed her chanting. By now the stupider neighbors were emerging from their homes to watch the staking. Alfred was videotaping and Tom Tucker was filming across the street out front Francis' house. Francis rose his brows at Tom's ass and slapped it.

"Now, Bella," Antonio scolded over a siren. "It's not fair to burn people at a stake just for disagreeing with your love for Twilight—"

"It's not about that!" Bella exclaimed angrily, whirling to glare at Antonio. "This girl is a werewolf! She hates vampires!"

"I never said that!" The kid shouted above the roar of flames. "I just said-"

"Shut up!" Bella yelled, and she continued her chant.

"Berra, prease!" Kiku cried. "You're overreacting, she didn't insurt Twilight—"

Suddenly, a blur of green flew out of the grass and the chains that wrapped Nicolla to the telephone pole shattered like glass. She screamed when she fell into the fire and shouted 'Hot, hot, hot!' when she rolled off. Jumping to her feet, she ran around the yard for a moment, past the shocked sorority girls who tried to grab her and drag her back to the stake. She certainly couldn't _**dance **_but she could sure as hell _run_!

"Hey! Girl who was tied up!" Tom Tucker yelled. "Get the hell back up on the pole, I wasn't done giving my speech!"

"The car!" Kiku shouted, finally freeing himself from Lein just as the fire department paraded down the street. They stopped behind Antonio's car, unable to progress any further. "Antonio-san's car, Nicorra!"

"I'm on it!" She shouted, racing towards Antonio. He popped the car door lock and kicked it open. Nicolla slid in on her stomach and Kiku jumped a hoop through the open back window, landing on the back seats with a painful '_oomph_!'

Then Antonio sped off like a redneck at a red light. João, who had been watching from his porch, ran into his yard and flicked Antonio the bird as he passed. He was promptly run over by the frantic sorority girls.

Antonio watched the sorority girls fade into the smog as he sped out of Pandora Avenue and laughed heartily. "Haha, we showed them, didn't we?"

Nicolla began to laugh to but stopped dead when she felt something wriggling in her pocket. Curious, she delved in her hand and pulled out Lovino Jr. She smiled widely and Eskimo kissed him. "How'd you get in my pocket, you crack job? How did you do that? I knew you liked me more! Was it the drugs? It was the drugs, wasn't it? Or my awesomely, beautiful looks, huh? Haha, I'm just kiddin'!"

"So what did you do to the sorority girls, eh?" Antonio wondered, grinning cheekily. This had to be good.

"Ah." Nicolla chuckled nervously. "Said they were like a Twilight Horror Show. They got all pissy and asked if I insulted Twilight and I dunno, I said 'maybe' and they attacked me." Nicolla turned to him and started moving her arms around wildly, Lovino Jr. still in her grasp. "They were like wild bears man! They tackled me to the ground and got these chains from the closet. They even said they were gonna shackle me, but they couldn't find the shackles. So, they used this weird thing—"Nicolla pulled the ring from her chest. "—or whatever and said it would send me to the Shadow Realm after I died, so I couldn't come back and 'claim their body parts,' or whatever."

Antonio laughed again. He had respect for this kid! It wasn't every day the sorority found someone worthy of staking, and Nicolla had actually made that cut. And even more impressive, she had escaped without a scratch! Staking normally happened once or twice a year on Pandora Avenue, but the kids were always released with either minor burns or grosser injuries. The stakings were usually meant to frighten people away from Lovino or warn them about assaulting Twilight. Sadly, the sorority girls all came from wealthy homes, and none of them were ever jailed for long. Nicolla had been the third to escape without a scratch since the sorority had first opened.

"You're pretty lucky!" Antonio applauded. "Most people don't escape like you did."

Nicolla smiled, proud with herself. Maybe she'd be on the news now! She'd have to check later. "Yeah, I am pretty lucky, aren't I? Y' know, those girls really were weird! Hercules told me they were, but I didn't think about it. Guess I should listed to him more often! And I didn't think Lovino would—"

Antonio tensed—Lovino. Did this girl also have a connection with him? That would be another reason the sorority girls would become so blood thirsty. He glanced enviously at her. "Lovino? You know my—I mean, you know Lovino?"

Kiku knew what Antonio had to be thinking. He sat up quickly and shouted, "They aren't married! They're not married, just cousins!"

Antonio looked over the back of his seat, amazed with the sudden uproar coming from such a quiet boy. It wasn't something Kiku normally did, exploding like that. As he stared hard at Kiku, he flew into the opposite lane and narrowly missed being hit by three Chevrolets and a Toyota truck. Kiku leaned over Antonio's lap and turned the wheel, swerving the car into the correct lane.

"Watch where you're _driving_!" Kiku exclaimed, now at his breaking point. "We could have been _kirred_!"

Being oblivious to danger, Antonio laughed off Kiku's concern. "Don't worry, I've got it!" He reclaimed the wheel. "So did you say she's Lovino's _prima_?"

"Mmm, yeah!" Nicolla said, nodding enthusiastically. "Don't get that confused, dude! Everyone's been doing that lately. I'm Nicolla. Nicolla Vargas."

Relief washed over Antonio. He smiled warmly at her, already viewing her as a sister-in-law. "_Encantado! Soy Antonio Hernández Carriedo_!"

Nicolla smiled back. "Cool, dude." Antonio started to drive in the general direction of Ben & Jerry's. "So, are you, like Lovino's boyfriend or something?"

X::X::X::O::X::X::X

After stopping at an Italian restaurant before heading home, Lovino was drinking fine champagne as he swerved onto Pandora Avenue. He didn't even notice he'd entered the wall of smoke.

But he sure as hell noticed the fire out front the sorority and his lawn burning. It had skipped Mrs. Knight's lawn, those bastardly flames.

"What the _fuck_!" Lovino shrieked, jumping out of his car and racing towards his burning home. A fire marshal stopped him and sternly shook his head. "What the fuck—I—that's a-my _house_!"

"Sorry, sir," the marshal said. "You're gonna have to hang out here while we quench the flames." On cue, all of the fire hydrants on the street popped their lids and sprayed water everywhere. "Don't worry 'bout it, your house will be fine."

The front of Lovino's house caught fire.

Lovino screamed and pointed at it. "WHAT THE FUCK! MY HOUSE IS-A FUCKING BURNING!"

After forcing the last sorority girl, Lili, into a police vehicle, Deputy Im Yong Soo bounded over to Lovino and hugged him. "Ah, Lovino! You are safe! Da-ze!"

"Get off me, bastard!" Lovino shouted, half sobbing as he pushed Im Yong Soo away. "My-a damn house is-a burning and you're-a fucking hugging me, you ball-a sucking bastard! My house! No!"

Im Yong Soo flicked his wrist and scoffed. "That old thing? It will be fine!"

The rest of the house caught on fire.

"MY HOUSE!" Lovino was now struggling to pass the fire marshal. "DO SOMETHING, DAMMIT!"

Im Yong Soo shrugged. "Like what?"

"ANYTHING!" Lovino screeched. "LOVINO JR.! MY TURTLE! NO!"

While Lovino sobbed, Gilbert and Alfred approached him with a video camera. "Hey, dude," Alfred said, poking Lovino's shoulder. "Can we get you, like posing in front of your house? It would be totally awesome for Facebook-"

Lovino punched him square in the face and knocked him out. Gilbert busted out laughing and videotaped Bella trying to gnaw the window of the police vehicle beside him.

"That's what you call 'man hungry,'" he told the camera, his obnixious laughter shattering eardrums until Roderich stomped over and dragged him back to the fraternity.

Then Roderich demanded Im Yong Soo to take Alfred with him to the police station to save himself one less idiot.

X::X::X::O::X::X::X


	6. Chapter 5, Strange Directions

**Eeeeyo! Hey, guys! Sorry this took so long; I've started school and there's so much homework I'm up until maybe three or four in the morning with projects already due next week and such. Not that I'm complaining, I just hate homework. Okay, so I am complaining.**

**Anyway, my inspiration here is still flowing from The Burbs and Hetalia, of course. Especially when Tom Hanks is freaking out after being blown up. Fav/follow/review, and tell me how I'm doing! I would really appreciate the feedback and I'll try to answer as many reviews as I can! Thanks, guys! Stay awesome!**

**-Twinkies**

V::O::O::O::V _Chapter 5 : Strange Directions_ V::O::O::O::V

"So then, I took my golf club and shoved it up his ass!"

Antonio laughed harder than he ever had in the past month. Even Kiku chuckled as Nicolla finished her delightful story about golf and revenge on ex-boyfriends. Oh yes, revenge was a pretty dangerous but amusing thing. Nicolla was still a virgin, but she'd had her share of make outs and boyfriends, but none of her relationships had ever ended well. Not that she was complaining; she was sure she'd find the right guy at some point and it had been mostly her fault the relationships hadn't been sufficient in the first place. She liked to mess around—not with other boys, but with life.

As in skateboarding through the mall and being arrested, and most boys wanted stability. Stability wasn't something Nicolla was good at, obviously.

But anyway, the trio had been at Ben & Jerry's for a good thirty minutes and were happily eating ice cream on a table in front of a window by the front door. Antonio liked his ice cream with coffee, Kiku preferred strawberry, and Nicolla loved mint chocolate chip more than Lovino Jr. loved his cookies and cream.

"No way!" Antonio exclaimed, holding his gut. "What did he do?"

"Mmm, he told me I was a psycho bitch," Nicolla said as she snuck some ice cream from the turtle. "So I told him he had lipstick from his mom on his cheek and he started crying."

Kiku smiled warmly, thinking even though Nicolla was very much into drugs she was still an all-around good person. She could have been a mean drunk and then everyone would pay the price, but she was kind and whimsical, unsure where she was going but fine with how everything turned out. But even when she was off her drug high, she still wasn't all there and Kiku did find it awkward sometimes.

"So, Nicolla," Antonio said, rubbing his hands together. "Tell me; Lovino brought up you had a sort of accident several months back." Nicolla's expression was blank. "I want to know what happened!"

She ran her tongue over her teeth and shrugged. "Eh, it's kind of weird…"

"I don't mind," Kiku told her, silently insisting her to continue. "Go ahead, Nicorra-san. What happened?"

Nicolla fiddled with her spoon. "Well, for starters, I was hanging out in California two years ago for vacation," she divulged. "I went with my family and to visit family and we went paragliding over the ocean."

"Ah!" Antonio exclaimed, wishing he could have gone paragliding when he was a kid. "How exciting!"

Nicolla grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, it was pretty badass. But I was way up there and I hit something."

When she fell silent, Antonio asked, "What did you hit?"

"I dunno," Nicolla replied apprehensively. "I swear to God, it was a UFO." Kiku's eyes widened. "I mean, it sounds stupid and all, but it was there and it was small and silver, and I hit it. Everyone told me they didn't see anything, but my paraglide was all bent out of shape and messed up. Dude, it was in _two_ when I dragged myself up on the beach. Everyone was freaking out and all I really remember was I couldn't see anything and my mouth tasted like when you get metal in your mouth. It was gross and I felt just as messed up as my paraglider was."

Kiku frowned, sympathetic for the accident, but was still unsure how to process what she had proposed. Did she just say she hit a UFO and bent her paraglider? A UFO? Now, Kiku was philosophical, but he wasn't sure if he actually believed in UFOs or not. Part of him believed the universe could not have been made of just one planet, that would have been wasteful with all the other galaxies and planets out there. Life had to exist elsewhere, but he wasn't sure if he could believe in extra terrestrials with the silver ships and funky blinking lights. Could it be possible what Nicolla said was honesty, or was she just messing with them?

Antonio, on the other hand, believed fully that there were aliens. He thought exactly what Kiku did; why would life be wasted on one planet out of the millions and billions of other galaxies? There was no doubt in his mind that aliens existed!

Besides, he bought into everything he saw on TV.

He gaped at Nicolla with wide, sparkling eyes full of wonder and surprise. "What happened after you got out? No one saw anything, really?"

Nicolla shook her head. "Nope, they didn't. And I dunno, I woke up in the hospital and some bitch forced Jell-O down my throat."

"But ariens?" Kiku fell silent, not wanting to hurt his friend's feelings with what he believed. But honestly when he thought about what she was telling him, he wasn't sure quite what he thought at all. Did he really believe her or did he not? He was indecisive.

"I mean—" Nicolla scoffed; he could see she felt awkward explaining it all. "—you don't have to take my word for it. I honestly don't really know what happened. I mean, maybe I saw a bird. A huge…fat…silver bird. Maybe. Dunno…"

"No, no." Kiku sighed, feeling guilty. His mother was right, he was sensitive. Maybe he was gay after all. "I'm just not sure. I'm sorry if I hurt your feerings, Nico—"

Nicolla smiled and waved a hand. "Don't worry 'bout it, man. It's not a big deal. It was just strange 'cause I was sure I'd seen it, but no one else did. Then the docs told me my brain was all screwed up, but my parents never told me what he meant by that."

Antonio was suddenly interested with her school career. He had been different, not all there, and he had been discriminated against because he was blonde. He was hot, but a nobody kind of hot in school. People noticed him, but then they'd sit on him, a lot like how Alfred's brother was. What was his name again? Anyway, Antonio made a promise to himself: when he graduated he would become as powerful as he could and do what he could to become a someone. He had never been deep when it came to his life's morals, why he was living, etc. but the day he had started his corporation he'd realized he was living to complete something. He still wasn't sure what he was completing, but he was definitely completing…something. Well, he thought he was, anyway.

"How was school?" He asked in a low voice, vaguely knowing the answer.

Nicolla shrugged, struggling to cover up her feelings. These guys didn't need to be depressed with that kind of stuff, and anyway, it was her business. "Fine, I guess. It sucked, but it was fine. I got through, I graduated, I'm in collage."

Antonio failed to realize the subject was touchy. "Did people give you a hard time? Were they bastards?"

Kiku sighed, knowing full well the subject was like a bee's sting. School had been a delicate subject for him, too.

Nicolla shrugged again. "…I dunno. They just kinda turned. I felt like I was talking to a lot of brick walls. I got through it, though. I should have won a Nobel Piece Prize for that!"

Antonio smiled at her comment, knowing almost exactly what she had gone through. But with her last few words he concluded she was over it, that she wasn't bothered by the past anymore. Now, Antonio wasn't the greatest at reading body language, but he had fallen silent, stuck in his own memories.

"Are you all right, Nicorra-san?" Kiku murmured, also caught in old memories. It seemed there was something the three of them had in common: They were school rejects.

Nicolla flashed a smile. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sure, don't worry about it. It was a long time ago. I graduated, I got out, I'm all good." Then she sat up straight and cleared her throat, pushing on to a happier topic: "So, today was really something! I met all these awesome people and was almost burned at a stake for being a werewolf, but I'm not. I mean, that doesn't happen every day!"

Antonio laughed, glad to be shaken from his depressing thoughts. "No, it really doesn't! It was exciting though, no?"

"Totally thrilling, man!" Nicolla exclaimed warmly. "It was awesome! Burned at a stake! Can you—"

"Kiku, Antonio," greeted a soft English voice.

A blonde man in a light blue suit and tie towered over their table with a solomn line for a mouth. He was holding hands with a smaller version of himself. Nicolla quickly noticed two things: First, there had to be at least fifty eyebrows on the English man; second, the kid was the paperboy from earlier that day. He gazed at Nicolla with such hostility it made her squirm.

"_Hola_, Arthur," Antonio greeted pleasantly.

"Ah, Arthur-sama," Kiku said, standing and bowing respectfully.

"Ah, there's no need for that," Arthur said, somewhat sheepish. Kiku sat back down and offered the Englishman a seat. "And I assume you are Nicolla, Vargas' cousin?" Arthur addressed Nicolla politely as he sat.

She swallowed down a cold lump of ice cream and shuddered when it touched her teeth. "Damn! That's cold!" Arthur gave her a hard stare. "Uh, I mean, yeah, I'm his cousin." She reached across the table to shake his hand and knocked over a salt shaker. "Ooh, bad luck," she murmured as she set it back up. "Okay, sorry." Finally, they shook hands and Arthur concealed a smile of amusement.

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance," Arthur told her sincerely. He had heard from Mrs. Knight that Nicolla was very impolite, but if Kiku was hanging around with her, then that couldn't be true. Kiku was possible the most polite young lad Arthur had known since he'd moved to Miami a month ago in pursue of an old friend of his, and Kiku wasn't known to hang around thugs or jerks. He preferred a calmer audience as polite as he was. And she had shaken his hand. Not many American teenagers did that these days. Most of them were too involved in their phones or with a boyfriend, but Nicolla had neither.

But she was a little off. Just a little…More than a little.

Nicolla grinned widely. "Yeah, ditto. It's pretty cool, that accent. So you're from England?"

"Indeed," Arthur replied smoothly, like a gentleman. "You're wondering how I got here, aren't you? Well, I am an English major and I planed to pursue a teaching career here. Then I met the fraternity students, and…" He paused and everyone but Antonio knew what he meant. Deep inside, though, Arthur had a totally different reason for not wanting to teach at the Miami University. Completely different. "Well, anyway, I decided to pursue a lighter career as a café manager."

Nicolla beamed, impressed. She loved hole-in-the-walls and cafés. "Oh, awesome! What's it called? What does it serve? Is it delicious?"

Kiku coughed on his ice cream at the word 'delicious.' Nicolla had obviously never tasted English food; it was God-awful. Worse than escargot dipped in ketchup, like he'd been served at one of Francis' dinner parties.

God-awful.

Arthur chuckled, proud with himself for having won someone's taste. "Well, it's called _Kirkland Cuisine_ and I wouldn't say it's the most amazing, but yes, the food is much more wonderful in comparison to McDonald's, if I do say so myself."

_That's because McDonald's is full of grease and calories,_ Kiku thought warily. _Your food tastes just like roadkill…not pleasant._

"But I haven't been getting much business lately," Arthur added then sighed. Kiku gave him a knowing look. "I suppose I need a sort of anchor. I've been searching for someone to sing for customers at the—"

Nicolla jumped out of her seat glowing. "I'll do it!" She yelled.

The entire store turned to stare at her. Arthur's eyes were Frisbees. "Er, you _can_ sing?" He wondered doubtfully.

"Totally, totally!" Nicolla said, nodding wildly. "I can! Honest! I'll come by and do a demo or something! Come on, lemme try!"

"Yeah," some kid by the back of the store exclaimed. "Let her try! You never know!" She started singing now, "_You never knoooooo—"_

There was a loud clang and then, "Oh. Sorry, Meg, you startled me."

Arthur beamed at Nicolla, a little taken aback from her sudden enthusiastic outburst but admiring her for insisting she had the voice to rock the café and suggesting a demo if he wasn't satisfied with simply, freely, inviting her into the café before he even knew what she sounded like. Most kids weren't as passionate these days, but she really seemed to be.

She was really weird and slightly annoying…But passionate at least.

"Very well. This Monday, come anytime after seven."

"AM?" Nicolla asked, excitement filling her like a balloon filled with helium.

"PM," Arthur corrected, smiling subtly. "Make the audition and you'll be in."

"Do you want something specific?"

"No, any song will do." Arthur pointed firmly at her. "No foul mouth or obscene songs, Miss Vargas. This is a restaurant I'm trying to run, not a club."

"Yeah, sure, sure! I'll sing something awesome!" Nicolla bounced in her seat, nearly knocking over her ice cream along with Lovino Jr.'s. She saluted. "I won't let you down, sir!"

And Arthur was hopeful she wouldn't. Antonio sang her the first lyric of his old collage cheer and half the store started to sing until Antonio stopped because he couldn't remember the rest.

"Oh," Arthur abruptly exclaimed, "Are you good at cooking?"

"So," Kiku cut in awkwardly, "To what do we owe the preasure, Arthur-sama?"

"Ah." Arthur shrugged. "Peter wanted ice cream." He gestured to the kid standing beside him.

Peter gave Nicolla a hard look and Nicolla narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Peter rose his brows and Nicolla frowned. Peter stuck out his tongue and Nicolla _hmph_ed.

"I take it the two of you know each other," Arthur commented.

"Yeah," Nicolla grunted, "This kid tried to kill me today."

Arthur and Kiku gaped. Antonio looked up from his ice cream, aware he had missed something. "Wh—he _what_?" Arthur hissed.

"Yeah!" Nicolla exclaimed as she slammed a fist on the table, "With a newspaper! Be glad it wasn't a stick!" Kiku sighed; Antonio busted out laughing. Arthur glared at him and Antonio quickly covered his mouth.

"Peter," Arthur growled, turning to his godchild. "What did you do?"

Peter's jaw dropped. Terror entered his eyes. "What? I don't know what she's talking about! Don't believe her over me!"

Nicolla gaped at him, appalled with his manners. "What! You totally threw a newspaper at me and whacked me in the face!" The store and half the bystanders outside the glass turned to look at them. The collage student working the register leaned over the bar and started videotaping with his IPhone.

Peter whirled to her, a fire in his eyes. "You royal jerk of jerks, don't lie about things like that!"

"Y-you rotten kid!" Nicolla exclaimed, knocking Antonio's ice cream over with a swing of her hand. Antonio was crestfallen. "I'm not lying! I'm not! You assaulted me, you little—"

"Don't say that!" Peter whined. "I'm not a rotten kid! I'm not!"

"Oh!" Nicolla laughed darkly, knowingly. "We'll sure as hell see about that!"

And then Peter launched himself at her.

V::O::O::O::V

"So, Mr…. " The officer behind the counter began.

Lovino was at the police station with his hands cuffed behind his back and a shackle around his ankles. The fire marshal had found the champagne in his car and called him on it. His bottom lip trembled as he opened his mouth to speak; "Vargas, you bastard, Lovino Vargas."

"Hey," the officer snapped, "I'm an officer of the law, man. Don't patronize me."

Lovino narrowed his eyes furiously. "Then don't-a patronize me."

"You patronized me first," the officer hissed. "Don't patronize me."

"I didn't say-a that, _bastardo_!" Lovino growled.

The officer tilted his head. "What? What are you implying with that fake Italian accent?"

"I'm-a implying that you're a bastard, you bastard!" Lovino exclaimed. "Don't-a patronize me! And my accent's-a _not fake_!"

"Well, you started it," the officer snarled, rising in his seat.

"Then I'm-a gonna finish it!" Lovino jumped up from his seat.

"You wanna go?" The officer shouted angrily.

"Sure!" Lovino roared. "Let's-a go!"

The officer turned in the direction of the front door. "To Wal-Mart!"

"WRONG SIR!" Said one of the other officers holding a coffee mug with a donut wallpaper on his computer. "To jail."

The first officer nodded sharply and called the deputy over: "Deputy Mary-Sue! Come quick!"

Im Yong Soo emerged behind the Plexiglas office where the sorority girls were caged until their parents came to retrieve them. They were being fingerprinted and had their pictures taken; they made stupid faces girls on Facebook would make. "It's _Soo_, officer!" Im Yong huffed when he'd reached the counter. "What is the matter, Da-ze?"

"This guy is going to the dungeon," the officer informed him, stating the obvious. "He had champagne in his car, sir. That's a federal crime."

Lovino gaped, incredulous. "_Federal_? Fucking federal, what is this?!"

"He does not mean 'federal,' da-ze," Im Yong said, shooting the officer an apprehensive glance. He was stoic with a tight, serious expression. "Okay, maybe he mean it, but maybe he not. Anyway, you did commit crime, you have to spend some time here in jail. How much you consume, Lovino?"

Lovino opened his mouth, about to sing like a canary, but then stopped himself. "I-a didn't drink any of-a it," he lied.

Im Yong Soo recoiled back. "You didn't, da-ze?"

Lovino shook his head. "N-no, I-a didn't. I had it in-a my car because I was-a gonna have a dinner party with my…" If he said 'cousin' he was sure the officers would be all over her and that would piss him off. On the other hand, if she were related to him, they would ask her questions about his drug history. If she weren't permanent in his life, he was positive they would keep away from her, so he decided to wing it: "Er, with my girlfriend."

The officer at the other desk choked on his coffee. Im Yong Soo had gone pale. The officer beside him was clueless; "Deputy Sue, why are you so—"

"_Girlfriend_, da-ze?" Im Yong repeated, not daring to believe it. Most of the officers there at the station knew of the infamous Lovino Love Triangle between Lovino, the sorority girls, and any dumbass that got themselves involved.

Lovino clenched his jaw and nodded stiffly, suddenly thinking winging it had been a bad idea. "Uh…yeah. Yeah, my girlfriend."

"Of how long?" The officer at the other desk asked.

"Uh, th-three months," Lovino mumbled. Wait, maybe not three. That was too long.

Im Yong Soo leaned over the counter. "What was that, da-ze?"

"Er, three weeks!" Lovino said, puffing out his chest to make himself look confident. "Y-yeah, three weeks."

Im Yong Soo gulped. "Wow…Da-ze…I did not expect that! C-congratulations." It sounded more like a question.

"Have you never had a girlfriend before?" The newer officer asked, still confused. On cue, the sorority girls turned towards the mirror, looking devilish in the black light. Lili backed out of the group, looking skittish.

Lovino hesitated then nodded. "Er, yeah, I've-a had some. Just not-a in a while. B-but Nicolla's all-a right." Just complementing her made his tongue burn.

"So?" Puzzled, the officer shrugged. "What's that got to do with anything."

The officer at the other desk barked a dark laugh. "Oh, the sorority girls will love this!"

Turning, the first officer waved at the girls and exclaimed, "Hey! Roy said you'd get a kick out of this!"

"Wait, da-ze!" Im Yong Soo started.

"Bernadine!" The other officer exclaimed.

"_No_!" Lovino gasped.

"This guy's got a girlfriend!" Bernadine said and the sorority girls were suddenly distorted. looking primal and twisted with their brows furrowed and their hair sticking in every direction as if compelled by static electricity.

Officer Roy jumped out from his seat and yelled, "He was kidding, girls! We're kidding!" He slapped Bernadine harshly over the head. "Haha, see? Just joshing!"

They didn't look convinced.

"You bastard!" Lovino hissed, falling back into his seat and slumping over his knees. "You damn, dirty bastard…"

Bernadine turned to him. "What? What did I do?"

"You weren't supposed to say anything!" Roy grumbled furiously. "Do you know how _malevolent_ those girls are?"

Bernadine's face was blank and he shook his head. "Uh, no?"

Im Yong Soo leaned in close to him. "You mean, you never heard of their ways, da-ze?"

Bernadine gulped. "U-uh, er, no. Should I have?"

"Yes!" Lovino hissed. "They're-a all crazy! They all have-a crushes on me, the bastards."

"They never leave him alone," Roy added grimly. "They're completely convinced they're all gonna marry him."

"They here for a staking, da-ze," Im Yong explained. "Trying to stake a girl who insulted their favorite movie, Twilight."

Bernadine's eyes grew wide. "No way. _Twilight_?" He turned towards the glass and caught Bella's fiery eyes. "I love Twilight…" Roy slapped him again. "Ow! Ow, I'm sorry, really!"

"Why did-a you fucking say anything?" Lovino grunted, trying to hide his face behind the counter. "They're like rabid wolves! They'll-a never leave-a me alone now!"

"They'll be after your girlfriend the minute they get out," Roy sighed.

A light bulb lit in Lovino's mind and an epiphany so powerful he caught a glimps of the white light. Brain Blast! "My girlfriend…they'll-a be after her." The sorority girls _would be after_ _Nicolla _then. He could finally be rid of her! He could tell her parents she was fine and dandy and still have the monthly income for at least a while longer. It could work! "After Nicolla!"

Roy, Bernadine, and Im Yong turned to him. "What was that?" Roy questioned.

Lovino's head snapped up, surprised. "U-uh, nothing. Nothing."

Suddenly, one of the other officers slipped through the front door carrying a rather ugly looking poodle. "Deputy," he addressed Im Yong, "I found this little guy in Mr. Vargas' car-"

"Cheeky!" Im Yong exclaimed, ripping the poodle from the officer's arms and cradling it. "This is Mrs. Knight's doggie! So cute, da-ze!"

Lovino's jaw dropped. "What-how the hell did-a that mutt get into my-a car?"

The officer who had rescued Cheeky whirled to Lovino and pointed an accusing finger at him. "I think we should ask _you_, dognapper!"

Bristling, Lovino narrowed his eyes at him. "I didn't-a take the damn mutt. I don't-a even like dogs!"

"Oh, so now you're Ace Ventura, huh?" The officer hissed.

"Brandy—" Roy started.

But Officer Brandy was past arguing; he grabbed Lovino's arm and started dragging him towards the cells. "You're going to jail, Mr. Dognapper!"

Lovino squirmed in his grasp and nearly tripped several times over the shackles. "Let me go, bastard! Let me go!"

Im Yong Soo waved goodbye. "Do not worry, Lovino! You will be out by end of night, okay, da-ze?"

Lovino bent his head back and roared furiously as Officer Brandy lugged him downstairs.

V::O::O::O::V

Meanwhile, back at Pandora Avenue, it had just hit sunset and Mrs. Knight was running around, searching wildly for her poodle. She asked everyone she could and finally came across the marshal just as the flames in Lovino's house and the sorority had been quenched.

"Marshal, marshal!" She exclaimed, quite out of breath. He turned slowly to her, combing blonde bangs out of his face. "Marshal, oh, marshal, have you seen my poor, dear Cheeky?"

The marshal was quiet for a second, pondering how to answer, then finally decided it was a trick question. He smiled as warmly as he could and spoke as if he were addressing a mentally challenged child: "Why, it's right next to your nosey!" He swiped a finger over her nose and walked off, leaving behind a confused Mrs. Knight.

After being discovered in the middle of the road by Francis, being sent to the hospital and then being released, Elizabeta drove down Pandora Avenue and braked before the sorority. Fear washed over her, pounding inside her heart. Frantic, she jumped out of her Hummer and ran about, searching wildly for the girls.

"The girls!" She cried, running to the marshal. "Hey, where are the sorority girls? _Where_?!"

"At the station," the marshal calmly informed her. "They were staking again, Ms. Elizabeta." Elizabeta shuddered. "You know, every time we tell you to watch them, every time they say they won't do it again and promise they won't, they do. Ms. Elizabeta, they're not bad girls, don't get me wrong. They're just very jealous and weird, but that's not a bad thing if you ignore it." He placed his big, callused hands over her quivering shoulders. "I'm sorry, Elizabeta, but if there's one more staking, we're going to have to close down the sorority."

Elizabeta inhaled shakily and nodded. She loved the girls like family and it would hurt her more than being run over to watch them hauled off to jail. It would break her fragile heart. Her divorce from Fredwardo James had left her with a fragile heart and just thinking of losing the girls made it crack in two. She swallowed down a lump and nodded again. "O…okay, Marshal Joey. Okay. Please, though, don't let Im Yong throw them in jail this time around." She abruptly looked up at him, her eyes full of determination. "I'll do whatever I can, Joey! Whatever you want me to do, please! Help me! I can't lose them…"

Marshal Joey nodded. "'Kay, here's what you do: you tell them if they mess up like this one more time, they're going to jail whether their parents like it or not. We aren't afraid to lose moneybag jerks like them; we have hundreds more donators. Their maximum penalty will be 'bout five years—per student—for getting away with this as long as they have."

Elizabeta chewed on her lip and gazed at the ground beside his spiffy, pink Air Jordans. "Okay…Okay, I'll make sure they understand."

Marshal Joey patted her shoulders with a final smile and turned back towards his car. Elizabeta watched him leave and then collapsed onto the curb, wincing at how numb her legs felt. It almost hurt. Then she looked up and noticed Roderich across the street, gazing sympathetically at her. She smiled, pleased he had noticed her, and took long, slow breaths to calm her erratic heartbeat.

Several seconds later, she realized Roderich was sitting beside her. She stared at him; sitting on the ground was not something he would normally do. He was a very proud Joe. _Shouldn't he be fearful of soiling his trousers?_ "Oh, Mr. Edel—"

"Roderich," he stated, gazing mushily into her eyes. She felt her heart swell, relieving her from her confusing thoughts. "…Roderich."

Laughter erupted from the other side of the street. Roderich turned away and glared at Gilbert, who was filming him sitting on the ground with Elizabeta, Alfred leaning on his shoulder. "Put zat damn thing away!" Roderich exclaimed furiously.

Elizabeta couldn't conceal her amusement; she laughed. Roderich flushed and cleared his throat awkwardly. "F-forgive me, Mr. Ed-I-I mean, Roderich." Her cheeks burned just saying his name.

"Yes, vell…" Roderich cleared his throat again. "Are you all right, Elizabeta?"

Elizabeta blushed; he knew her name! Hot damn! "Yes, I'm all right. I'm fine. I'm just going to have to give those girls one hell of a speech when they get home!" She and Roderich laughed for a short while. "I just hope they'll take me seriously! They're really not bad children, just…"

"Estranged," Roderich murmured, immediately wishing he hadn't uttered a word. Had he insulted her?

Elizabeta smiled warmly. "Yes, yes, they are! Haha, very weird…But they're like my family." It suddenly occurred to her that Roderich, her _love_, was speaking to her. She flushed crimson and looked away suddenly shy.

Roderich took note of her discomfort and asked, "Elizabeta, are you quite all right?"

She nodded quickly and stood, trying to hide her flustered self. "Yes! I'm fine! Aha, I'm fine. I've just got to head to the station and pick the girls up."

Roderich nodded slowly, quite upset their time together had been short. He stood and reluctantly reached out to shake her hand. "I see. Shall I see you tomorrow?"

Elizabeta whirled, astonished that he actually wanted time. With _her_! Y-yes! Oh, yes!" She shook his hand roughly and managed a smile. "Of course."

Their eyes met and they gazed at each other a moment more.

"Oooh!"

Alfred and Gilbert and Ravis and Lukas were on the lawn, videotaping and sipping vodka out of sippy cups.

"Awesome!" Gilbert chuckled.

"Dude, Professor!" Alfred shouted as loud as he could, his hands curving around his mouth like a megaphone. "Give her a kiss, man!"

Lukas scoffed. "A _wet _one, I _dare_ you."

Roderich pulled back from Elizabeta and glared harshly at them. "You idiots! Svines! Imbeciles! Go back inside, _now_!"

The boys laughed, except Ravis who looked as awkward as he had that morning, and they all rushed reluctantly up to the porch.

Roderich turned to Elizabeta to apologize only to discover she was gone. He looked wildly round the block but didn't catch sight of her. She was already sitting in her car, hiding inside while she screamed off her steam.

V::O::O::O::V


	7. Chapter 6, Running Loose

**Ha! Finally bludgeoned writer's block to death! Anyway, here is the sixth installment of the Novel. I hope you guys enjoy! I couldn't help but add in a special character, as you'll soon see, because I enjoy strange twists in plots. I'll just go ahead and warn you that there will be other special characters that will pop up in the story as it goes along, but not very often. Well, we'll see.**

**Anyway, tell me how you like it! If you don't agree with the character I chose for this chapter or if you think it's a bad idea swing it by me and if enough people bash about it, I'll remove the poor guy. Besides that, tell me if you're enjoying the story and all and fav/follow/review! You know you want to!**

Stay awesome!

-Twinkies

V:OO:O:OO:V:OO:O:OO:V _Chapter 6 : Running Loose_ V:OO:O:OO:V:OO:O:OO:V

Peter launched himself at Nicolla and tackled her to the ground with a harsh _clunk _as the chair slid out from out of her. She hit her head on the tiled floor and yelled incoherently. She was momentarily disoriented until Peter slapped her and she quickly reanimated, pushing him off with her foot on his gut. Peter clung to her hair and pulled at it, ripping it from her skull and the bewildered onlookers gasped and backed away as Nicolla kicked Peter off of her.

"Child abuse!" Someone in the back yelled.

"Shut the hell up—it's getting good!" Another shouted.

Peter rolled into a nearby table, pulled off a shoe, and threw it at Nicolla. She shielded her eyes with an arm and shakily stood, her fists trembling with fury. Then, Peter lunged at her again and caught her around the waist, bringing them both back down onto the floor.

"No, Peter!" Arthur shouted, pacing fast circles nearby as he had no clue what to do. He was too frightened to intervene; he didn't want to get hit.

Antonio bent over, grabbing Peter by the back of his shirt while he repeatedly slapped Nicolla. Grunting, Antonio braced a foot against one of the fallen stools and pulled. But Peter was stuck like glue and dragged Nicolla halfway up with him. Several seconds passed before the stool finally slipped out from under Antonio and he collapsed onto his ass. Peter crawled back onto Nicolla.

"No!" Nicolla cried, pushing him away with her feet again. "Get the hell off me!"

"No one insults Peter Kirkland and lives!" The kid screamed, kicking Nicolla onto her back. He straddled her and pulled her hair as hard as he could. Nicolla howled in pain.

Finally, the manager rushed out from the back room with a straw filled with cocaine still in his hand, and he pried Peter off Nicolla, hurling him into a nearby table. The entire store was silent. It took a minute for Arthur's legs to work again and, trembling badly, he stepped over to Peter and picked him up off the ground. Peter batted his hand away and huffed smugly, sneering at Nicolla. Nicolla scowled.

"Ma'am," the manager said, his chin jutting out as he spoke, "Sir. I'm gonna ask you bastards to leave." And then, he stuck the straw up his nose and sniffed deeply.

Kiku and Antonio each grabbed one of Nicolla's arms and heaved her onto her feet. Nicolla smashed her lips together, attempting to control her temper, but decided she wouldn't be able to hold back if she looked at Peter a last time, and stormed outside. Kiku paused to swipe Lovino Jr. off the table and he and Antonio trailed within safe distance behind Nicolla.

"The manager looked like Jim Carrey," Antonio noted as he stepped out.

Nicolla stormed off down the street, wallowing in self-pity and furious at herself for acting the way she had. Peter has swung first but she was still guilty for provoking him. Now she would never win the café job—it wasn't fair!

"Ah, Miss Vargas."

She stopped and gulped. This was it; Arthur was going to tell her off and she would bask in misery for the next five minutes until she was over it. Slowly, she turned and met Arthur's vibrant emerald eyes. Sighing, she muttered, "What?"

"Peter apologizes for the way he acted," Arthur said, stopping before her. "It wasn't your fault, Nicolla. Peter's been…slightly out of sorts since his mother dropped him off."

Behind him, Nicolla noticed Peter leaning against a parking coin dispenser, gazing intently at the street. "Oh." Dropped him off? Why? "I don't get it—what happened to him?"

Arthur frowned sadly, his eyes reflecting the pain in his heart. "Well, it was quite a while ago. His mother, Marcie—my sister—married a rich zoologist, Duncan. They were happy with their marriage. Until…" Arthur shivered. "That day."

"That day?" Nicolla echoed.

"That day," Arthur confirmed. Nicolla stole another glance and saw Antonio crouching before Peter, smiling and obviously trying to cheer him. Peter kicked him in the gut and Antonio fell onto his back. Kiku stared in horror and took four steps back from the coin dispenser. "My sister, Marcie, and Duncan and Peter went to Africa on safari. But Duncan was careless. Very careless." Arthur shuddered. "He stepped out of the bus for a minute—a minute—and was…"

"Was?" Nicolla prompted.

"…He was…run over by…a water buffalo." Arthur all but whispered.

"A water buffalo?" Nicolla echoed incredulously.

"A water buffalo," Arthur confirmed, his face taut and lips hard. His eyes averted towards something past Nicolla's head. She turned to look and saw nothing. "Marcie wasn't the same since. She started holding blank papers against glass and doing invisible math problems, and she would sometimes drive _over the speed limit_. It was _horrible_. Every morning she'd wake up and skip around the house _three times_ with a _sombrero _and she started wearing overalls—but only on Saturdays."

Nicolla's head reared back, horrified. "No, not Saturdays!"

Arthur nodded grimly, his eyes darkening with distraught. "Yes, Saturdays."

"Why, that's horrible!"

Arthur opened his mouth to say something, then he closed it quickly and gave Nicolla a hard stare. "Well, anyway, the bloody doctors sent her to a ward. Peter was devastated, pacing around in circles until he finally locked himself away inside his room. She was there for an hour and was then released. Then, she simply snapped one day…"

Arthur's eyes became distant and glazed, as if the memories reeling behind his eyes had declared atomic warfare on him. Nicolla shook his shoulder, knocking him out of his trance. "Hey, Arthur, dude. Hey, come on, man!" He stared at her, marveling at her strong grip. She slapped him. "Arthur! Wake up, man!"

"I _am_ awake, wanker!" Arthur shouted. Sheepishly, he cleared his throat. "Er, forgive me, Miss Vargas. It's just…hard to talk about it. Well, Marcie ended up drunk at a fraternity party and was dragged off to jail after the police found her running repeatedly into a chainlink fence. They dropped Peter off with me and I've had him since."

Nicolla frowned, pitying him for the loss of a sister and incredibly stupid nephew. "Wow, Arthur…That's heavy. I'm sorry about that."

Arthur's gaze dropped to the ground. "Yes, well…it was unfortunate, but it's in the past. Two years ago, to be exact." He met Nicolla's eyes again. "I've got to be strong for Peter. I can't let him down."

Nicolla understood him and nodded. "Yeah, I wish you luck. Oh, by the way, is the demo still on?"

Arthur smiled subtly. "Indeed it is. I suppose I'll take Peter home now." He shook Nicolla's hand. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Vargas."

Nicolla smiled warmly back. "Yeah, nice to meet you, too. Good luck."

After Peter and Arthur had departed, Antonio and Kiku and Nicolla began the long walk back to the parking lot three blocks outback the Outback Steakhouse. As they walked they laughed about old memories and mulled over days they'd spent in sun and days they'd spent skateboarding through the malls and getting arrested.

After a while, Nicolla changed subjects; "So, this ring thing." She fumbled with it. "What the hell is this thing?"

Kiku took a long, hard look at it, pondering over every possibility. _"¡No sé!_" Antonio exclaimed happily.

"I berieve it has something to do with _Twilight_," Kiku suggested.

"Oh," Antonio gasped. "Maybe it sparkles!"

Nicolla shrugged at the idea and blurted out one of her own: "Hey, have you guys ever seen that old show Yu-Gi-Oh?" Kiku shook his head and Antonio nodded. He noticed Kiku shaking his head and shook his, too. "Well, it was this old show I used to watch when I was a kid—I was maybe five—and it was my favorite show! I used to watch it every Saturday and my favorite character was the psycho guy, Akefi Bakura. Anyway—" She gazed back down at the ring. "—this looks just like the ring he had. He was a badass, I tell you, a badass!"

Realization clicked with Kiku and his jaw dropped with the epiphany. "Oh! Bakura! _Hai_, I remember him. He was arso my favorite character. He was the most interesting of them arr, as was his wardrobe."

"Yeah, I love his past self!" Nicolla laughed. "He was a badass in the past. And hot!"

"Was he the _chico_ with the golden ticket?" Antonio asked.

"No, that was Charlie Chaplin," Nicolla replied almost immediately.

"You mean Charlie from the chocorate factory," Kiku corrected.

"Same person." Nicolla itched her scalp. "Anyway, I always thought it would be awesome to have, like, a souvenir or whatever from Yu-Gi-Oh since I was never into the games; I just liked the show."

Kiku smiled at his own memories. "_Hai_, it was very rovery."

"Wasn't it!" Nicolla skipped along the sidewalk, the power of nostalgia lightening her steps. "It was so awesome! I miss that show—I'm gonna watch it when I get home. You know, I think Peter would be a much happier kid if he watched Yu-Gi—"

A tall boy, maybe Nicolla's age, with wild white hair and onyx brown eyes, abruptly stormed right up to Nicolla and pulled the ring over her head. It got stuck on her ponytail.

"Hell!" She exclaimed, bent over forward. "Hang on, hang on, be careful! My head!" Her shaky hands grabbed part of the chain and helped him lift it over her head, but one of the miniature triangles caught in her hair, ripping out tangled strands. "Ouch! Dammit!"

"Give me the damn ring!" The guy exclaimed. He kneed her in the stomach and the ring tore free. Then he rushed off down the sidewalk, never glancing back.

Nicolla heaved on the ground, the air knocked out of her. "What the hell!"

"N-N-Nicorra-san!" Kiku exclaimed, totally shocked. "Are you arr right? Nicorra-san!"

"That…was…" Nicolla took a deep intake of air. "Awesome!" She looked up, gazing after the wild haired boy. "That was Baura! Hey! Hey, dude!" Jumping to her feet, she started sprinting after him. "Hey! You're a lethal son-of-a-bitch! Teach me your ways!"

"Damn you!" Akefi shouted. "Leave me be!"

"N-Nicorra-san!" Kiku exclaimed, hesitating. What if Bakura was armed? He certainly was in the show—well, not exactly armed, but he was, as Nicolla had said: a lethal badass.

Lighthearted Antonio chuckled with excitement and chased after them. Kiku had no choice but to follow.

"Whatever you do, don't touch him!" Kiku warned. "He may kill you!"

V:OO:O:OO:V:OO:O:OO:V

_Dear Bastard Who Locked Me Up,_

_You think this is a good idea, you bastard? I'M RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO THE DAMN SORORITY GIRLS AND YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?! What the hell is WRONG with you?! They're standing RIGHT THERE BEHIND ME. They keep whispering my name and they're rubbing against the glass. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GOOD IDEA!_

_Get me the hell out of here, bastard! They won't leave me alone! Their parents had them, what, seventeen years ago and they STILL haven't locked them the hell up? What the hell kind of parents_ _ARE THEY?! Do something, you bastard! Move me! Lock me up somewhere else! DO SOMETHING, DAMMIT!_

Lovino Vargas

_PS: Donuts are fucking Cheerios! I'm getting so damn sick of those!_

Lovino sat in the top right corner of the glass cage, as far away as he could be from the sorority girls. They knocked on the cheap glass behind him, calling his name, yelling 'Pick me! Pick me!' and no one noticed a thing. The news on the TV seriously could not be _that_ loud!

Officer Brady, or whatever the hell his name was—Lovino was too pissed to really care—was leaning back in his seat, feet propped on an old, creaky, wooden table with a box of donuts lying by his right foot. The TV blared above him, cycling through everything unimportant that had happened that day, like Dog Walk in the Park and Chuck E. Cheese's new pizza—with sprinkles!

Folding the paper tenfold, Lovino slipped it under the large glass door and grunted at his reflection as he did so. His hair was now a mohawk and there were dark purple bags under his eyes. They vaguely reminded him of Nicolla's glazed eyes and a wave of nausea came over him.

He bend over, and the officer fumbled with the remote and switched Fox News for 5 News. Tom Tucker's voice carried through the glass, screaming, "Well, it is finally Antonio Herr-Herr-Herr Stick—" Lovino grimaced. "—Whatever the hell it is—Carriedo's twenty-fifth birthday today!"

"Oh, lovely!" The newest forecast anchor, Double A Annie, exclaimed. "He is one of the top bachelor's in our country, you know!"

Tom glared sideways at Annie. "Annie, I'd like you to keep your negatory comments to yourself. Thank you. Anyway, we have heard from a very unreliable source, Francis Bonnefoy, that Antonio has just arrived in Miami as of tonight. Francis said he saw Antonio outside Ben & Jerry's, but no one really cares because we have visual footage of Antonio attempting to break up a fight on some collage kid's IPhone. Evidently, as you will see, Carriedo is trying to pull a small boy with a very ugly hat off of a girl with a very nice wristwatch."

Lovino slumped against the glass, resting his forehead carelessly against the glass, and watched intently as the footage began. It was Nicolla—being assaulted by that Kirkland kid! The little shit deserved it. Arthur, the prissy Englishman who lived down the street from Lovino, was standing off to the side—the coward—and Kiku was beside himself, observing the fight with an astonished grimaced. Peter jumped Nicolla and began slapping her, tearing at her sunset-stripped shirt. Abruptly, the video stopped and a small, red circle appeared over Nicolla's left wrist. Indeed, there was a very nice black watch that looked like it had come straight out of Tron.

"That's it, ladies and gentlemen," Tom announced triumphantly. "That is the best damn watch I think I've seen in years. I wanted to see Tron. Didn't get to."

"It's very lovely, Tom!"

"Oh, shut up, Annie. Roll the clip."

The clip continued and Lovino's jaw hit the ground when Antonio—sleek, handsome, irresistible Antonio Carriedo—appeared from the right corner and grabbed Peter by the back of his neck, pulling him up along with a mussed Nicolla.

The tape paused and another circle appeared around Antonio.

"See him?" Tom said. "See where the circle is? You see that red—"

"I think they see it fine, Tom—"

Tom swerved abruptly in his seat to face Annie. "Hey, hey, I'm talking_. I'm_ talking, Annie, just shut up. That circle is circling Antonio, a wealthy Spanish company investor, pulling some kid off a teenager at a Ben & Jerry's right down the main drag. They're not there anymore, of course, but we've just gotten word they're chasing a rather long haired boy down 88th."

"Ooh, sounds—"

"Annie, shut the hell up! Are you talking? No! This is my story! Just shut up!"

Lovino's shoulders slouched. Antonio—the guy who was 'head-over-heels' for Lovino; the guy who sulked when Lovino didn't comply when he asked him to dinner; the guy who once told reporters, on live TV, that he was going to 'win my true love's heart one way or another' and won the world's support (besides his disappointed and furious fangirls)—was back in town and was probably going to stay at his mommy's house with his brother for the week or month he was there. How was Lovino going to handle this? Maybe he could talk Soo into letting him stay at the station a while longer.

"This isn't fucking happening," Lovino chanted, rocking on his bottom. "This isn't fucking happening."

Honestly, Lovino wasn't too sure why he resented Antonio. He was a great guy with many skills and a blinding smile, however flirtatious and oblivious he was. Lovino had met him ten years ago when he and Feliciano had vacationed in Spain for several weeks. It was really just to keep Feliciano's mind off of an old, German boyfriend who had disappeared some time back. While ordering food at a café, Lovino had bumped into Antonio, completely on accident, and it had been unpractical love at first sight.

Antonio had pursued Lovino relentlessly, following him around Madrid and flirting outrageously with him—once, he had even gone as far as slapping his bottom in public. Lovino rationalized with himself; he would only be there in Spain for another week. Surely he could survive until then.

But—somehow—Antonio had kept up with him. Feliciano took an instant liking to him the moment they'd met, and that irritated the hell out of Lovino. There was no way he was going to survive that hell.

When the week had ended, Lovino was anxious to leave. He didn't think about Antonio on the bus ride to the airport, at the airport, on the plane, or at the Venice Airport. He thought he was doing well until night arrived. He and Feliciano had decided to bunk at a nearby hotel overnight. Feliciano slept like a log, but Lovino didn't get a wink of sleep. His head was clouded with memories he had spent with Antonio.

Since he had moved to Miami and was reunited with Antonio and his family, Lovino's skin had not stopped itching. When Antonio was near, his heart constricted, he developed a headache, and sometimes waves of nasea overcame him. For every day Antonio visited, Lovino's insomnia became worse.

He was usually gone this time of year—in the summer—because his branch kept him busy with the difficult work, but when he returned, he always made sure to visit Lovino first.

"Deputy Soo!" Someone shouted back upstairs. "Deputy—oh, there you are."

"Miss Elizabeta!" Lovino shuddered again; Elizabeta Héderváry didn't like him very much. Not since he had pushed her one-sided lover, Roderich, into a fountain during Mardi Gra Week. "What can I do for—"

"The girls, Deputy, I'm here for my girls."

"Ah…Miss Elizabeta, they very troubled, da-ze. You know?"

"Ye-yes, Deputy. I know they are. I'm going to have a long talk with them. Marshal Joey told me he's going to shut the sorority down—"

"You think they will listen?" Lovino shivered at Deputy Soo's dark laugh. "Da-ze, you know they keep it in mind for only minute. They won't remember what you say by the end of the week."

There was a long pause. Finally, Elizabeta answered, "I know, Deputy. I know. I'm not sure what to do! They're so damn stubborn! They're making my life hell!"

Feeling brave, Lovino decided to steal a quick glance at the girls behind him. Slowly, he turned his head. They grinned darkly at him, pupils dilated and teeth visible, as if their mouths were watering with the scent of his blood. They clawed at the glass and wailed, "Lovino, pick me! Pick me _now_!"

Lili was standing in the very back, her wide, anxious eyes mirroring the fear in her small heart. Honestly, Lovino pitied her. She was the newest girl in the sorority as well as the youngest at 15. She was extremely intelligent for her age and exceedingly kind, as well as beautiful and skilled. But the Miami Sorority did worse things for her than eating roadkill could.

On another note, Lovino heard she had a brother who was a fan of guns and chocolate. Apparently, he was a real badass that kept all the chicks swooning.

Sounded like a hardass to Lovino.

He quickly turned away and pretended he hadn't seen them. Elizabeta was down several seconds later with the Deputy and he unlocked the girls' cell. They filed out but stood near the front of the cage Lovino sat in, shouting at him, demanding he miss them terribly. He scooted as far away as he could to the opposite wall and shuddered when they tried to push past Elizabeta and the Deputy towards him. Soo and Elizabeta linked arms and herded the girls upstairs. Brady turned to Lovino with a sly smirk.

"They sure do love you don't they—thief." He bit into a cherry filled donut that smeared his lips and face.

Lovino felt nauseous again but swallowed it down. "You're a damn dirty bastard."

"In other news, thirty-one-year-old NASA scientist James Bark was found dead in his Miami home this morning," Tom continued. "There's no real evidence of a homicide, but the CIA is looking into it. The possibilities are as follows: lead poisoning, rabies, old age, or lethal injection. Will we uncover the truth? Time will tell. Back to you, Cheryl. And get this whiny double A bitch off my set!"

V:OO:O:OO:V:OO:O:OO:V

"I do not berieve you are pure evir," Kiku confessed to Bakura as they sat on a park bench, watching Nicolla and Antonio take turns catching a Frisbee they had grabbed from some grumpy old men. Lovino Jr. was wandering on top the netted park table beside Kiku, his legs occasionally slipping through the holes. "I wourd want revenge for my virrage as werr, if it were destroyed."

Bakura _hmphed_. "Glad you see it that way. Those fools believe I simply woke one day with world domination on my mind. They didn't even stop to ponder why I would _want _to murder the Pharaoh."

Kiku nodded and winced when Nicolla collided against a tree. "I'm okay!" she yelled. "I am OK!"

"We are the way we are with reason," Kiku said. "Less seem to understand that these days."

Bakura nodded. "Interesting way to put it, but exactly so. I can't decide who's more of the fool these days. There are those who wonder and those who jump to solutions. Neither truly understand the soul or the pain in one's heart."

Kiku frowned sadly. "_Hai_. I am sorry for your misfortune, Bakura-san." His expression suddenly became serious. "I don't berieve the way you're pursuing your vengeance is correct, but I wish you luck."

Bakura's lips curled into a cheeky grin. "How considerate of you, Kiku Honda. I'll think of you when I've finally conquered and received what I want." He stood to leave.

Nicolla looked up and ran over. "Hey! You're leaving already?"

Shrugging, Bakura answered, "I am. I have revenge to plot, you know—people to duel, people to crush."

"Oh," Nicolla murmured, missing him already. "Well, all right. I hope you find who it is you're supposed to find for information about the past. They can't be too far away."

"Indeed, they can't be," Bakura agreed. He kind of liked these three. They were entertaining.

Nicolla extended a hand. Bakura stared at it, astonished. "It's a handshake."

"I know what it is," Bakura snapped softly.

Smiling, Nicolla wiggled her arm. "Then shake it, dude. This means we part on a friend's basis."

Bakura scoffed. "Friends? I don't need—"

Antonio extended his arm, too, and grinned. "Come on, we part on good terms, _amigo_! Shake my hand!"

Even Kiku extended an arm, just to be extra polite. Bakura glanced from one person to the next, shocked and amused. "What…good terms?" After some hesitation, he finally shook each hand with his own, each embrace relieving him of something he couldn't name. "All right. It can't hurt."

Antonio laughed and patted his shoulder.

"We'll see you later, Bakura," Nicolla said. "You're a pretty cool guy."

"Ah, yes!" Antonio chuckled. "You are not at bad as you seem, yeah?"

Bakura suddenly felt disoriented, as if the world were tilting under his feet. "Uh…sure." When he pulled away, he felt rather cold. It was something new and dizzying. "Goodbye." And with that said, he walked away towards downtown again, continuing his search for the Millennium Items.

"¡_Adios_!" Antonio shouted, waving him off. "¡_Hasta luego_!"

Kiku sighed softly, missing his new friend already. Glancing at Nicolla and Antonio, he saw the same distant expressions on their own faces. "_Hai_. On good terms."

They stood for a while in silence, bathed in twilight, while they fought off that feeling of well-known lonliness. Hope glimmered in their hearts but there was an empty space, one any friend would feel after watching another walk away. All they had to cling to was the hope that they would one day see dear Akefi Bakura again.

He really wasn't as wretched as he sounded. He seemed rather wronged.

"_Bueno_," Antonio finally said, "Shall we head to the car?"

Kiku and Nicolla nodded wearily, grabbed Lovino Jr., and they walked two blocks back into the city until they had reached the parking lot.

Antonio parked the car out front his mother's house and opened the door for Kiku, who stumbled out drowsily. Antonio found Nicolla snoozing and heaved her up into his arms. Then he glanced at what was left of Lovino's house.

"Hmm," Antonio murmured. "Doesn't look like Lovino is home, Nicolla."

Kiku fidgeted. "Er, I'd invite her to my home, but I wourd have to inform Yao ahead of time."

Antonio smiled at him. "That's all right, Kiku. Nicolla can bunk at _la case de mi madre_."

Kiku left for home and Antonio carried Nicolla up his mother's porch. When she answered she smiled and hugged him but frowned at Nicolla's crumpled form disapprovingly.

"Well…" Mrs. Knight murmured. "I supposed Jerald won't mind. Come on in, she can sleep in the living room."

"That's all right, _madre_," Antonio said as he stepped through the door. "She can have my old room. I'll sleep in the living room."

His mother gaped at him. "Y-you? In the living room? Ha! Come, darling, set her on the couch."

Antonio beamed and carried Nicolla up the steps.

"Antonio!" Mrs. Knight hissed. "She'll soil your bed!"

"_Madre_," Antonio said, turning to her. "You worry too much!" His mother glared as he carried Nicolla up the staircase. Humming softly, Antonio tucked Nicolla into his old bed. Lovino Jr. wriggled in her pocket and was still. "Goodnight," Antonio whispered. "Boy, I sure hope Lovino doesn't kill me for this! Why, he'll be so jealous if he finds out! He must love his cousin as much as I love mine!"

V:OO:O:OO:V:OO:O:OO:V


	8. Chapter 7, The Video Of 9,000 Views

Hey, guys! Sorry for the long wait, but here it is! The 7th installment! School and activities are eating my life up, I tell you! It's fun but crazy. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It sheds a little more light on Antonio's relationship with his family as well as some interesting facts about Nicolla. It's not very long but it's very important.

So fav/follow/review (come on, you know you want to! I see that look in your eyes, that glint that say, 'By God, this is amazing!' Maybe?) and tell me how I'm doing!

Stay awesome! –Twinkies

W::O::O::O::W _Chapter 7 : The Video With Over 9,000 Views_ W::O::O::O::W

Just as Alfred had begun to stir in his bunk bed his door slammed open. He bounced up and hit his head on the bottom of the top bunk.

"Alfred!" Ravis exclaimed, rushing is, neat and unwrinkled nestled in his arms, "I found some things on our new neighbor, Nicolla Vargas!"

"Dammit," Alfred shouted, "I'm sleeping here!"

Ravis shrunk by the open door. "I-I-I'm sorry! I just th-thought you'd l-l-like to k-know!"

Alfred sighed and heaved himself onto his feet, stretching and yawning. Ever since Alfred had introduced him to the show _Bones_, Ravis had become obsessed with crime investigations. It didn't help that he thought Francis was a secret agent man and those weird guys, the Clauses, were part of an underground military plot to dominate Russia and raise Dracula from the dead. "Yeah, whatever. Shoot."

Ravis paled and almost swooned. "I-I didn't mean it l-like that! Oh, God, what y-y-you must think of me!"

Before he could run out of the room, Alfred shouted, "I didn't mean a _gun,_ dude! I meant the—whatever the hell it is you're doin'."

Ravis clambered back in. "O-o-oh. W-well—" He opened a folder tucked behind the stack. "—I found out she's fr-from a really sm-small town in F-Florence, Arizona. It-it's really pretty. Anyway, um, she's committed a few crimes."

Alfred's brows rose. Interesting. "So, like what, dude? Stealing cookies from kids?"

Ravis shook his head and scanned one of his papers. "N-no! No, actually, she once skateboarded through a mall with some friends. They were arrested ten seconds after they stepped foot through the door."

Alfred busted out laughing. "Oh, man! That's so badass!"

"Well, she ran into a garbage can," Ravis murmured under his breath. "She-she also vandalized a gas station."

"Oh, badass!" Alfred sat on the edge of his bed. "Dude, what happened, you gotta tell me!"

Ravis fumbled with the papers, taken aback with Alfred's amusement. He should be concerned, for God's sake! They were living across the street from a _criminal_! "She-she, uh, painted a mural of Aliens and Cowboys—"

"Cowboys and Aliens, dude."

"—And then, she taped mustaches to all of the gas pumps!"

Alfred was crying he was laughing so hard. His stomach muscles were beginning to constrict. "That's so _badass_! We've gotta invite her to the party this Wednesday, dude!" He jumped out of the bed and started to dress. "I'm totally gonna talk to her today, dude! It'll be awesome!"

"No…no, wait, Alfred!" Ravis jumped in front of the door. "She had an accident!"

"So what?"

"It left her with some k-kind of brain trauma. She's _whacked,_ I'm telling you!"

"Can't be _that_ bad, dude. You sure you're not over-exaggerating?" He tried to side-step Ravis but the boy wouldn't budge. "Ravis, dude, seriously—"

"She said she paraglided right into a UFO!" Ravis heaved, slightly out of breath. Alfred's brows rose once more. "I-I know! She says she was paragliding, then there was a UFO, she glided right into it, and she states it broke her left arm and gave her whatever trauma the doctors diagnosed her with. I-I searched for her condition, but the sites withheld that information…Maybe an ulcer…"

Alfred stood in shock but reanimated after several seconds. "Dude…A UFO?" He was suddenly very pale.

Thinking he'd finally talked sense into Alfred, Ravis nodded vigorously. "Yes! Yes, a _UFO_! She's a criminal _and a psycho_!"

Alfred shrugged his way out into the hallway, stealing a glance at the basement door. "UFO…"

Gilbert appeared in the foyer, sliding down the stairs by railing until it caught on his boxers and he stumbled off the side five feet down. Anyone else would think he was seriously hurt but the other fraternity boys new better; Gilbert pulled this stupid shit all the time. He sat up, laughing; a box of nearly spilled beer was in one hand, and walked drunkenly to Alfred.

"Alfred!" He gasped, slamming a hand on his shoulder, "Y-you've _got_ to see this video I found on Youtube! It's _awesome_!"

He laughed as he guided Alfred up the stairs, leaving Ravis lonely in the wine and jackknifed stained foyer Roderich had given up cleaning weeks ago.

"Dude," Alfred said, "What kind of video? It's gotta be pretty damn funny!"

"It is!" Gilbert exclaimed, staggering into his room. "I told you, it's awesome! Some chick paraglides into thin-fucking-air!"

Alfred almost tripped over his own feet, but it wasn't caused by the clutter and half eaten pizza boxes scattered across the room. Gilbert reached his computer and, settling into his chair, clicked the replay button on the video. There was a boy on the beach, monologuing about the new fence the government installed around a small coral reef several feet off the shore to barricade against terrorists and pirates. Then, out of the corner of the lens, he caught a girl, a girl with long brunette-red hair in a ponytail, paragliding out further over the ocean. The boy noticed something small and silver off somewhere in front the girl and, in the next second, she had collided against it.

Alfred was pale as the figure of Nicolla, crumpled inside her paraglide, spiraled into the ocean. The UFO followed her and the boy shouted and yelled along with the rest of the beach. Some were laughing but most of the beach was in an uproar; they were positive they had seen something. There had been two splashes.

Gilbert cracked up, but Alfred was still, absorbing what he had seen.

Finally, Gilbert turned to Alfred with a pizza box outstretched. There were several cheese and tuna slices left. "Can you take this out to the can for me?"

Alfred, anxious to escape, grabbed the box and hurried out of the room, relieved to leave behind Gilbert and the haunting video. Instead of taking the box outside, Alfred headed into the basement of the fraternity.

W::O::O::O::W

Nicolla awoke under a soft, cotton blanket, sun bathing her like a bathtub. She sat up, stretched, and wondered where the hell she was. Sliding out of bed, she took a moment to admire the trains lining the walls and headed out of the room to search for some food and maybe a cigar. As she passed an end table consciousness set in and she realized her pocket was writhing. Delving in a hand she was relieved to find Lovino Jr. awake and well in the depths.

Out in the hallway, she heard voices echoing up the stairs. "Churros, for breakfast? Antonio, that's a _desert_!"

"You worry too much, _madre_!"

"Antonio, last night was horrible! I thought we would all die! And what about my dear Cheeky? Where do you think he went?"

"Mama, he's right next to your nose."

"Confounds!"

Nicolla skipped down the steps, following the heavenly, sugary smell, and stopped inside the kitchen. Antonio was up by the stove, his mother sitting in front of him on the opposite side of the breakfast table. Her auburn hair was tangled in a messy bun and her vibrant brown eyes watched Nicolla warily.

"Ah!" Antonio exclaimed, waving to her. "Morning, Nicolla! I hope you like churros."

Nicolla smiled, ignoring the bitter hag as she hopped up on a barstool. "Hell yes! It's better than cocaine!"

Honestly, Nicolla had never tried cocaine, but Mrs. Knight didn't know that. She choked and spat and gagged, sputtered incoherently, and fell backwards out of her seat. All was silent for a full minute until Nicolla shrugged and made her way to the seat. She kicked Mrs. Knight's wrinkled hand off one of the legs and jumped up onto the stool.

"So how was your rest?" Antonio wondered, setting a plate of churros down in front of her.

"Awesome," Nicolla said, gnawing on one end. "I had a really weird dream about explosives and lights. I was in this weird basement or something and the walls fell on me."

Antonio frowned and bit into a churro. "Hmm. That is a weird dream. It reminds me of that day I kissed the bride at my cousin's wedding."

"Why?"

"I didn't know she was the bride, I had mauve sunglasses on. She was _muy bonita_!"

A tall, lanky but gruff man appeared in the doorway, his bright red hair carelessly tossed every which way. He glared at Mrs. Knight crumpled form and sighed.

"Hey!" Antonio exclaimed, clambering over to the man. "You're Mr. Jerald, aren't you? _Madre's_ new husband!"

"Antoneo!" Jerald boomed, stepping over his wife to shake his new son's hand. "Pleasure te meet ye, lad."

Antonio grinned and took is hand. The shake was rather rough on Jerald's side, as if he were holding back on snapping Antonio's neck. Antonio smiled absently and nodded. "Ah, yes! Madre talks a lot about you, Jerald. It's a pleasure to finally meet you!"

Jerald faltered for a moment and used all the power he could muster to keep the smile on his face. Antonio was nothing like his company had made him out to be. Not as cunning or cruel as the boss had made his sound. He was warm and enthusiastic and oblivious. But this was their first encounter. Maybe there was more than met the eye.

"Aye," he said as he pulled away. "Aye, a pleasure." As he stepped around the table to introduce himself to Nicolla, Mrs. Knight latched onto his calf, silently demanding he pick her up. Instead he scoffed and kept forward, dragging his wife with him until she hit her head on the counter base and let go with an over-exaggerated shriek. "Ye're Nicolla, ain't ye?" He said, keeping his voice even as he reached for her.

Grinning, Nicolla took his hand in hers and shook twice firmly. Jerald almost smiled despite himself; what a strong grip she had! "You're Antonio's new dad, yeah. Nice to meet you, Mr. Knight!"

Jerald almost let it slip that it wasn't his real name. He caught himself just in time and smiled in return, pulling back. "Aye, thank ye, lass. I've heard lot aboot ye." He gestured at his wife. "Me wife says ye're very…ye've got a…ye've got a strong grip on ye, lass!"

Nicolla grinned, rubbing her palm. Good Lord, that guy had one hell of an Iron Man grip. "Hey, thanks! So do, uh, you!"

"Aren't ye sexy," Jerald said, shaking his head at Mrs. Knight as he lit a cigar. "Sprawled on ye own kitchen floor. Oh, yes, what a turn-on." Mrs. Knight twitched when he stomped her face.

"That's not a good idea," Antonio murmured hesitantly.

The red head looked up. "Why not?"

"She already spent a hundred thousand on plastic surgery last month."

The man nodded stiffly. "So that's why she keeps askin' 'boot her cheek?"

"Morning!" João shouted as he jumped off the third stair and burst into the room with his arms risen like a plane's. "Madre, how are—"

He bumped into Nicolla and knocked her against the floor. The distinct, sweet smell of churros caught in his nose and he sneezed. "Are those churros? For breakfast?"

Antonio smiled. "Yes! Would you like one?"

João threw his head back and laughed maniacally. Then he bent over to slip his slippers off. Nicolla noted they were a lovely shade of duckling yellow and noticed the name on his boxers. "Churros! You're so damned stupid, Antonio!" Nicolla glared at him and scrambled to her feet.

"You're the one with Darth Vader in your pants," she snapped.

João narrowed his eyes. "What's _that_ supposed to mean, creeper?"

"Oh, God," she groaned. "You play Minecraft, too. You probably sleep with a poster of Miley Cyrus every night when you wet the bed, too!"

João flushed, embarrassed. "You-I do _not_!" His brother and stepfather flashed him odd glances. "I do not!" He stepped slightly closer to Nicolla to whisper, "You didn't see He Man, did you?"

Nicolla rose her brows with amusement. She had been kidding about the poster and wetting the bed. This kid was weird. "Uh…no. No, I, uh…I didn't."

João looked relieved and then grabbed her hair and clocked it against the counter repeatedly. Mrs. Knight jumped up into her husband's arms, cowering against his chest. When he stilled and didn't hold her, she wrapped his arms around her for him.

"There's a fight," she growled under her breath. "You're supposed to hold me—Go, João, GO!"

Antonio watched through wide eyes as João grabbed a pan and whacked it over the back of Nicolla's head. She cried out and ducked before he could hit her again. Twisting around on her knees, she punched him right in the balls and he dropped like a rock.

With a flash of white, João regained focus and shook his head at the vision. Instead, he smiled at Nicolla as charming as he could and said, "Oh, good. I don't really have a He Man poster, you know. I was kidding."

Nicolla, unaware of his sudden, reeling vision, blinked and nodded slowly. "Okay, man. I believe you."

Antonio's Droid vibrated on the table and he answered smiling. "Hello?"

"You bastard!" A woman screamed. "You never called me back!"

Antonio frowned. "Sorry? I haven't had time—"

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit!" Nicolla, João and Jerald shuffled, awkward. "You were probably with your _dearest Lovino_, weren't you, you cheat?"

Antonio's eyes bugged out from his head. "Er, Emili, we didn't have a relationship; I love Lovino."

"Oh, don't give me that bullshit!" Jerald was smirking in the doorway. Nicolla motioned to leave but Antonio held a hand up. "You gave me your number two days ago! Back at the office in Georgia! You promised to call me!"

"Emili, that was my cousin's aunt's brother's twice-removed grandfather's daughter's boyfriend's cousin's phone number."

"WHAT?!"

Antonio chuckled. "No, I'm kidding, it was my printer number and I promised to call when I needed copies."

"What the fuck! You traitor! You bastard! You said it was _your_ number! Not your cousin's aunt's brother's—whatever!"

"I just said I was kidding, Emili. It's my printer number."

"Why the hell didn't you give me _your_ number?"

Antonio was grinning as he leaned on the counter across from Nicolla, raising a hand to say it was OK. "Well, Emili, I couldn't I already kissed a _chica _on the cheek last week. I could never risk another woman if I'm to gain Lovino's affection by the end of the week—"

"EW!" João cried, plugging his ears with his fingers. Nicolla licked sugar from her lips and laughed.

"But I gave you my number!" Emili cried. "_My_ number, dammit! Not my _printers_!"

"Ah!" Antonio laughed. "That's why my Blackberry exploded in the car!"

"You bastard, what relationship with Lovino, Antonio? That guy doesn't give two shits about you! He's lethal and _so_ not worth your time! What about churros? You like churros? I'll take you out. Do you like red thongs or green—"

"Red." Antonio smiled, Lovino in his mind's eye. "However, not on you."

"Antonio, he doesn't give two shits! _Two shits_! Maybe not even _one_! No where near three! I, on the other hand, give _ten times_ what he's offering."

Shaking his head, Antonio picked up a churro and started to nibble. "Sorry, Emili, but I'll win him one way or another."

"Should I leave?" Nicolla finally asked aloud. Antonio's lower lip jutted out as he shook his head.

"Who the hell was _that_?" Emili's voice was shrill. "It's like my cousin always said! Boxes cheat with the barrels! You're not seeing Lovino, you're seeing _some other girl_!"

Finally, Antonio sighed and walked out of the kitchen. He motioned to the office and shut the door once inside.

"You sick, deprived bastard! You know you love me, _don't you_?!"

"Hmm," Jerald said.

"What a bitch." Nicolla said.

"He deserves it," João said, unplugging his ears and itching his stomach. Nicolla almost gagged. "He's a jerk."

"Why?" Nicolla wondered. Antonio had shown her nothing but kindness. What else could she expect from him?

João flashed her a grimy glance and leaned against the counter, sticking one end of a churro in his mouth. "You don't know? Why he left, I mean?"

Jerald, listening eagerly, leaned against the door behind him and almost fell through. He moved a few steps over and braced his back against the wall. A Garfield clock hit him in the head and he ducked his head, scowling. Nicolla propped an elbow up on the table and shrugged.

João trembled with a ripple of soft laughter. "No, I suspect you don't." He started to pace around the table, a rueful look filling his eyes. Nicolla scrunched her nose, catching onto the false glimmer. "All during school, Antonio was a dork. An honorary, awkward dork. Not half as dashing as me."

"Puh-lease," Nicolla mumbled. João whirled around. "Spare me, man. You're head is swelling."

"Oh, shut up, Barbie!" João shouted.

"Dude, I'm brunette!"

"Same thing!"

"It's really nooot."

João clenched his head in his rough hands. "Shut up! Lemme finish the damned story, man! So I was saying, Antonio graduated collage and suddenly he left. He just left. He didn't call me or mom, he simply woke up one night and left."

"Sssso?" Nicolla prodded.

"So he called us a month later and told us he wanted nothing to do with us!" João threw his arms up furiously. "It was, like, three in the morning and he told us he was in Atlanta. He said he didn't care about us and he said he'd come visit when he wanted to."

The kitchen was silent for a minute. Jerald shifted awkwardly against the wall. The clock hit him again. Mrs. Knight started to snore.

"Why the hell would I believe _that_?" Nicolla barked a laugh. "Antonio is so incredibly nice he makes a priest look like an Average Joe!"

"That barely makes sense!" João snapped.

"You're right, it doesn't!" Nicolla slammed her fists on the countertop. "But I'll be damned if you think you cane make me hate the guy! He's seriously awesome!"

Jerald clenched his jaw. Nicolla was clawing at a rat ten times her size and intended to win the war. João could knock her flat whenever he wanted. What nerves.

"Well, after a couple weeks or whatever he decided to come back for money," João continued. "He wanted a job but wasn't sure how to go about it. So he asked us for about three hundred dollars when he came to visit the first time, then he just—" _snap _of the fingers "—vanished."

Jerald groaned. "Fergive me, fergive me." He grabbed his wife's ankles and started to drag her towards the door. "Give me a minute." He disappeared inside the vast expanse of a charming beige living room. Jerald reappeared, shut the door, and leaned against the wall again, ripping the Garfield clock off the wall. "Continue, lad."

"As I was sayin'," João said, "Then the next time he came he said he just wanted to 'chillax.' I was so offended my brother—_my own brother_—would come back after taking three hundred just to 'chillax!'"

Nicolla scoffed, about to retort when a lightbulb went off in her head. "Hey, who picked up the phone?"

"Well, I did, duh!" João exclaimed, throwing his arms up again. "It was, like, ten at night! Mom goes to bed at nine to prevent bags!"

Nicolla's lips twisted into a knowing grin. "Oh, sure. All right."

João glared at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Nicolla shrugged. "Nothin'! Nothing, what?"

"You meant something by that. I'm not sure what you mean."

Nicolla leaned back in her stool and almost fell backward. "I didn't mean a _thing_," She said once she'd regained her balance.

João narrowed his eyes into dark slits. "Whatever that means. Either way, he's a total fail at a brother! He's an idiot and so stupid! I mean, look!" He jabbed a hand at the churros on the counter. "He bakes churros for breakfast! What a dumbass! He's so weird and so stupid!"

Nicolla's eyes widened. She rose a hand to brush her bangs out of the way and slid one across her throat as she piled it back on her other arm crossed in her lap.

João failed to notice. "He's just so damn stupid! Mom doesn't know what to do, either! He's baking _churros_, kissing _other people's_ brides, wooing weird Italian _bastards_, and bringing in some weird chick off the street! I mean, who the hell are you really, Nicolla?" Her lashes lowered, surprised and furious with his assault. "Are you some super cool chick, or a dumbass' cousin?"

"I think that's enough," said a soft murmur.

João turned and paled. "Oh. I mean, Oh, Antonio!" Antonio was crestfallen, his normally wide eyes half-lidded and an ocean of sorrow filled his eyes until they looked red and splotchy, lined with tears. "Uh, heh, hey!" João laughed nervously and stepped in front of him, patting his shoulder stiffly. "Good to see you again! So how's, uh…How-how's Emiloo?"

"She's fine, João," Antonio all but whispered. "Just fine."

Jerald's heart constricted. If Antonio were really what his brother accused him of, how could there be such despair in his glazed eyes. "Ye all right, lad?"

Antonio clenched his jaw and looked up at Nicolla, holding out a hand for her to take. "Come on, Nicolla. Let's go for ice cream or something."

A small smile spread across her lips, comforting some of his aching nerves. She jumped up and ran to him, taking his warm hand in hers. "All right, bro-in-law." Something in his eyes sparkled, but faintly. "Let's get out of here, man, and get some ice cream."

Antonio nodded and, without sparing his brother a glance, brushed past him and walked out the door with Nicolla. They bounded down the steps like they were escaping a crowd of angry marriage entourage after crashing the wedding. Some of the residents were already hanging out outside.

"I don't think he's really a good brother," Nicolla told him as they stopped at the curb. "He's seriously jealous, dude. I'm positive."

Antonio swallowed. "Yes, well…I don't understand why he would say…" He sighed and rubbed his face, refusing to cry. "I just…I wanted to _make_ something of myself. I wanted to _be_ someone when I graduated high school. I wanted to be someone my mother and brother could look up to…I didn't mean to be a burden to them. I just—"

He was quickly interrupted when Nicolla backslapped him across the cheek. He sputtered incoherently for a moment. "You big baby!" Nicolla exclaimed, sighing as she stalked off towards her cousin's home. "You're taking him too seriously! Your brother's a bitch. A jealous, annoying moron." Antonio followed, dragging his feet one step after another. "He's got your mom thinking you left them and only come when you ask for money."

"_Dios mio_!" Antonio exclaimed, holding his face in his hands.

Nicolla turned and stood on her tiptoes, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Stop that! We can fix this!" She fell over as her toes started aching. Back on her feet she fixed her disheveled hair and cleared her throat with harsh force. "Now, we're gonna figure this out and save your relationship with your family! Trust me," she said at his doubtful expression. "You're losing it! We've got this, bro! Trust me! Do you trust me?"

Antonio released a quivering breath and slowly began to nod. "Yes. I trust you."

Nicolla smiled. "Awesome."

Just as the word left her mouth, she noticed a beautiful Fiat curbing the corner and speeding down Pandora Avenue. Her jaw dropped as Lovino, in all his drunken glory, parked in Hercules' driveway. Realizing it wasn't his, Lovino backed out, hit Francis' mailbox, and drove a little further down the street to park in his own charcoaled driveway. He dragged himself out of his car and swayed on his feet.

Antonio's mood instantly brightened. "_Dios mios_, _Lovino_!"

Lovino looked up like a deer in headlights before bolting for the door. Antonio laughed and caught him in a tremendous bear hug, laughing and twirling him around like a lost lover.

"Put me down, you bastard!" Lovino shouted, earning the neighborhood's attention.

"Dearest Lovino!" Antonio cried, pulling Lovino against his chest and nearly suffocating. "I missed you so!"

"Bastard, get _off _me!" Lovino pressed against his chest, pushing him away, refusing to give into his wobbling knees.

Antonio reluctantly released him, laughing and smiling and quite unable to stop. His smile was enough to make any girl swoon but Lovino refused to give in to his irresistible charm. "You are so adorable, amo—"

Lovino rose a finger, wagging it. "No, no, no!" He exclaimed, his words slurred. "I don't want you touching me, bastard! Go back to Geooooriigia!"

Nicolla slapped his arm. "Hey, cousin. Where've _you_ been?"

Lovino slapped her back, clear across her face. "Bastard, don't—" hiccup "—_touch_ me. I've had a shit night. That damn Soo locked me up for drinking champagne in the car! The bastard! And those damn sorority girls—" He stopped, gulping. "The girls. The sorority girls. They're back. Dammit."

Antonio caught Lovino as he began to fall backward. "Do you need a tomato, love?"

Lovino ripped his arm from Antonio's grasp but huffed a soft, "Yeah. Yeah, a tomato sounds good."

"Wait," Antonio laughed, picking Lovino up again and carrying him to his car. "We can't! Your house is burned down! Let's go to the grocery store."

"Put me down!" Lovino struggled. "I can walk to your damn car, bastard! And the grocery store isn't opened until ten! Let's go for a damn walk, I gotta call my lawyer."

"Ben & Jerry's it is!"

Before turning to follow, Nicolla noticed a face in the Clauses' lowest window—the window in the basement. A face pale than the scientist in Independence Day and sunken glazed eyes held her gaze with a magic that forced her to stare right back. Her eyes widened, but not with fear. With anticipation. It looked like a Ripley's Believe it or Not exhibit. Like a chubacabra.

Then, like a gust of wind like the one that swept through the dead trees, the figure was gone. Nicolla sucked in a breath and ran for Antonio's car, slipping inside before those eyes sought here again.

This was like something out of _Cry of Fear_. Little did she know, this was just the beginning.

W::O::O::O::W


	9. Chapter 7 5, Intermission Part 1

**D: Chapter 7.5 : A Short Intermission Where We Warp to the Past to Understand Pasts a Little Better :D**

The year was 1456, the year of the dragon.

Not really. Everyday was dragon day. In fact, at the present moment, a tall knight on a pale horse was launching spears into the sky, trying to impale large yellow dragon. It was headed straight for the Austrian capitol where a nice little jousting contest was being held over the fairest maiden in all the land—possibly all the word—Bella of Belgium.

She was very pretty and graceful, but she had an ugly personality besides her caring side that was actually a façade to cover her even more ugly and obnoxious arrogance. She was player, you see. But guys don't care about that sort of thing; as long as the woman has a nice ass they're in.

And Bella of Belgium had a nice ass.

As every knight lined up with his horse, the fairest man in all the land—maybe a brain tumor—I mean, possibly in all the world—was grinning ferociously. There was no way he could win with a name like his: March Clauses. He was tall and scruffy with bright, clown red hair and glistening cerulean eyes. His cheekbones were high and his nose was short and cute. Every girl who met his eyes promptly swooned.

However, though the young man seemed to be a jock more than anything else, he was secretly a scientist. He believed aliens had created the great pyramids of Giza, that aliens had built the China Wall, and that Genghis Khan was married to an alien at one point until she got tired of him and pushed him off a cliff. Of course, there was no evidence of this, but that didn't stop conspiracies from filling March's head.

At the end of the line, there was another young man with a strong, sturdy yellow horse. He wasn't very tall, but he wasn't short. He leaned wearily against his horse, silently sulking. The Swiss prince, Basch Zwingli, was in love with another girl, a girl he had been forced to leave behind in the small village of Berne. She was an Italian girl; big, chocolate eyes and long, frizzy brunette hair with a rather large nose and a slender figure that definitely looked prepared to knock someone out should they try to grab her. She was kind and caring, but oblivious, selfish, and a little too happy for most people.

But he loved Nix Vargas and wanted her back more than anything he could ever want in his entire life. She was the apple of his eye, the grain in his coffee. If he were a cat, she would be his pajamas.

But father had told Basch he had to marry a princess. Princes only ever married princesses, and Bella was the fairest princess of them all. Nix was simply peasant with dreams large enough to fill the sky. Bella was beautiful and stunningly so, but no amount of beauty or passion could ever extinguish the brightly burning flame of love he harbored for Nix.

Bella didn't have shit on Nix.

Now, Basch was a Grade A Jouster; he was strong and courageous and he never backed down from a challenge. But during the long moments he spent standing in that line, awaiting his next rival, he had to force himself to stay there. During the jousts, he wanted nothing more than to hop off his horse and leave the other knights to collide against the back wall. Basch felt sick to his stomach; he couldn't marry a lass he didn't love. He almost felt as though he wanted to die.

But what did he expect he could do? This was a public arena and if he hung himself out by the river the entire audience could see him. He couldn't run himself over with his own horse but he was positive the other knights would want to.

This is a joust, he told himself. Man up. You can't afford to back down. Keep your honor. Nix wouldn't want that.

As the daylight dwindled over the mountains, the first day of the tournament ended and that was when the dragon descended. All men were called to arms; they all ran out into the middle of the field and braced themselves for war. But the dragon flew on right overhead. March's jaw dropped and he screamed, "Aliens! They told that damned dragon there would be a joust. Pray thee, dragon, that I do not find your bed at night!"

And the dragon turned and flew right at March. With a shrill scream, March ducked and cowered in his tons and tons of armor, soiling his pants. Basch, who had been hiding from the owl-like eyes of Bella—who seemed to have developed a rather large crush on the Swiss boy—rushed out from a broom closet, sword in hand. With a ferocious roar, he swung his blade and sliced the dragon's head in half.

It was silent for quite sometime as the dragon wound down and writhed before it stilled. Basch couched down to March's visible hand and pulled his body out from under the fearsome dragon. March sputtered and gasped with lack of breath as Basch dragged him under a nearby tree.

When he turned, the village people were still by the arena. "Well?" He shouted. "Are you going to help him or not?"

The villagers cheered and a squad of paramedics rushed out to March with a cot. He wasn't hurt too badly—just a few cuts and bruises. For the rest of the night Basch was a hero.

And March hated his guts.

Morning came all too early for Basch. He had had a frightening dream about Bella eating a hog like a caveman and Nix was tied to a stake with a strange ring sticking out of her forehead.

He strolled to his breakfast table and found a note:

**Dear Swiss Bastard,**

_You have disgraced my damn cousin, damn you! What the hell is WRONG with you?! And don't tell me you don't love her, you bastard, because you do! Even Feliciano and that damned potato bastard Ludwig has noticed it, and Ludwig's just as dumb as any other idiot! You know it's true! Kicking him into the pond was the best thing I've ever done._

_But that is not the point here; you've killed Nix! She barely eats or drinks and this is all because you had to go and be a bastard, damn you! It's not that I care about her feelings, but if you're enough of a bastard to do something like this—leave a perfectly average girl for a fucking annoying as hell princess—then the world doesn't have long before judgement day, does it?_

_You're a FREAK! Join a damn CIRCUS!_

_Lovino Vargas_

_PS: You had stupid hair anyway!_

Disgraced and upset, Basch left his room and headed out to the arena. Maybe he could find another dragon to eat him. But the first person he ran into wasn't a dragon, it was Bella. She fell to the ground with a blood-curdling scream and began to sob, "Basch, my love! Why have you wronged me?!"

"It's nothing personal," he grunted, running away—I mean, rushing past her.

So the day went by quickly and March won every single joust. Secretly he was cheating; one of his countrymen was a self-proclaimed wizard who really just messed with the horse saddles. He flew through the tournament like a god—until it all finally wound down to he and Basch.

Basch knew that, with the way everything had turned out so far, it was a 50/50 possibility that he would win. But it didn't bother him one bit. Bella stood at the railing right down in front of the bleachers, staring intensely at poor Basch. He groaned and slammed his helmet over his head. She was creepy as all hell.

March prepared at the other end of the field, practically glowing with confidence. If he won this tournament, he wouldn't only be winning a princess. He'd also be winning the power of speech. He could finally force every nation to listen to him when he told them aliens were responsible for creating the world and pyramids. They couldn't think otherwise—stupid people believed what their leaders told them. No one could deny his conspiracies—I mean, theories anymore. No one would call him insane ever again!

He gazed down the field at Prince Zwingli and grinned knowingly. Basch groaned and mounted his horse, praying to every god in the world that he would lose. But there was an alternate side to his thoughts; he wanted to wipe that confident sneer right off of March Clauses' face. It would be a finer moment in life, and Basch had no doubt that he would enjoy it. He clenched his jaw and picked up his joust, ready to battle.


	10. Chapter 8, Package from FedEx

O::O::_O Chapter 8 : A Very Important Package From FedEx _O::O::O

After being hit with the toilet plunger, Kiku scrambled out of his room in a blind and confused daze and stumbled down the stairs. At the bottom, he looked up to find his brother Yao wide awake on one of the living room sofas. His hair stuck up in every way imaginable and his eyes were sunken with dark bags.

"Yao," Kiku murmured, slowly rising off the floor as if he couldn't believe his brother was sitting there. "You're home."

Yao grimaced. "She's still in this house. That girl needs to leave, aru! We haven't been able to have visitors for well over two months, aru!"

Kiku sighed and slumped onto the other couch, sinking into the cushions until only his shoulders were visible. "What do we do?" His muffled voice wondered. "We've tried exorcising…Maybe she has a crush?"

"Aru_, no_!" Yao ground his teeth angrily. "I don't know, aru. I don't know. But that thing in the Clauses basement was rumbling again when I came home." Kiku gazed expectantly at his brother. "What, aru?"

"I saw the news on MSN," Kiku murmured. He sounded disturbed. "They say a nucrear reactor was storen from a NASA aircraft. Do you think—"

Yao sighed, immediately dismissing the thought. "No, aru, and what does it matter? I'm going to give that damn Vargas a word; he must deal with those Clauses by the end of the week! I say we go over and meet them this night!"

Kiku swallowed. "_Hai._ I suppose it is about time…I don't suppose you have coffee?" Yao shook his head. "I'rr buy some today."

They sat in silence until their house rumbled with gun fire from Sadiq's home and watched wearily as smoke bombs nailed the outside of their house. Soon even the living room was emerged with thick fog, but Yao and Kiku had already passed out from exhaustion.

OO:OO:OO::OO:OO::OO:OO::OO:OO:OO

_**Dear Elizabeta Bastard,**_

_ You toppled my mailbox, you damn bastard. This is the third time this week. The THIRD. I know you have a damn crush on that damn Roderich,_ _but dammit, try to act fucking CIVILIZED! Your hair is fucking Medieval, just like your wit! I mean, who the hell do you think you are—Brittany Spears? Do you think the whole damn world is suddenly going to revolve around you? That's stupid!_

_ If you break my mailbox again, I'm going to fucking KILL your mailbox! I'll get you and your damn mailbox, too!_

_ Your not-loving neighbor,_

_ Lovino Vargas_

_PS: You ride a bike? It's fucking 2012!_

Lovino glared from his curb as cop cars pulled out of Hercules' driveway with him in the back. Another cruiser holding Sadiq passed and Lovino scowled. He couldn't even count how many times they'd been at it that month. Obviously, Deputy Soo had had enough. Maybe he'd actually book 'em this time instead of admiring Hercules for his volunteer work in the Army.

It was a constant, never-ending war with them. Sadiq had served in the Navy and Hercules in the Army. Judge Mathias had served in the Air Force. The firefighters thought Sadiq was the next best thing since sliced bread and the police force thought Hercules was the cat's pajamas.

Lovino hugged himself wearily and sighed. If only the judge were his friend, too.

Antonio and Nicolla were outside, fixing Lovino's burned and leaning mailbox with duck tape. As Gilbert and Alfred stepped outside, Lovino noticed Alfred giving Nicolla a very obvious look and a fire swarmed his stomach. Who the hell was that bastard to be making passes at his damned cousin? Lovino wasn't even sure if she was real yet!

His mind was still foggy, but Lovino was sober when he looked back at his house. It was difficult to believe his gorgeous house was gone forever. The lawn he'd worked so hard on, the garden he'd spent years working with—gone. He'd called his lawyer but the bastard had informed him it would take about a month to transact the warranty money into his account. Lovino couldn't wait that long; he needed a job and a house. He'd kept silent at Ben & Jerry's, bidding his time as Antonio and Nicolla talked about how they had been there just that night.

Surprisingly, Lovino had found he was jealous. As Antonio and Nicolla described their wild night and morning—in which Antonio fell silent and Nicolla, brows furrowed, changed the subject—Lovino found himself boiling with fury. When he wondered where Lovino Jr. was and Nicolla pulled him out of her jeans' pocket, Lovino thought he would explode.

_Antonio was supposed to be hitting on_ me! Lovino thought bitterly. _What the hell is Nicolla the bastard doing in his damn story? And what the hell is she doing with _my turtle_?!_

It was all very confusing. Lovino wasn't supposed to feel jealous simply because his cousin had an adventure with a Spanish bastard Lovino couldn't even consider a friend. As Lovino sat at that table with ice cream, as he sat there on his curb, his skin boiled.

Then Antonio had asked Lovino if he wanted to stay with him. Of course, Lovino said, "No, you bastard! Like hell I _would_!" and immediately regretted his decision—where _could _he stay? Maybe the police station…He hadn't come within ten feet of any sorority girl, but he knew it was only a matter of time.

"What time is it?" Nicolla bursted his bubble of concentration.

Antonio glanced at his wristwatch that was probably worth short of a thousand dollars. "Thirty past ten, _amiga_." Lovino burned.

"Cool." Nicolla stood back and admired her handy work. The mailbox was covered in duck tape and strings to keep the tilted side pinned to the ground. They had gone through at least three of the five rolls that Lukas had given them.

Why Lukas kept so much duck tape was beyond Lovino.

"Hey!" Alfred suddenly yelled. Nicolla, Antonio and Lovino looked up. "Nicolla, I heard you skateboarded through a mall."

Nicolla nodded, surprised and curious to see where he was going with this. "Yeah, sure did. What about it?"

"Awesome!" Gilbert exclaimed. "Come to our party tonight, Nicolla! It'll be awesome!"

Nicolla's eyes widened; she hadn't been expecting _that_. She'd never been invited to a fraternity party before. She felt like smokin' a cigar! She had thought of asking Jerald for a one back at Antonio's, but he didn't look like the type to share. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, okay. Sounds awesome!"

"Awesome!" Gilbert breathed. Lovino clenched his jaw, appalled with Gilbert's interest in his cousin.

"What should I wear?" Nicolla asked.

"Whatever you feel like, dude!" Alfred replied excitedly. "It's totally casual!"

Grinning and excited, Nicolla bounced on her heels. "All right. Sounds cool! I'll be there!"

As Gilbert and Alfred sped off for Birds R Us (Alfred had promised to buy Gilbert a duck after he had accidentally eaten his goldfish), Lovino picked up an acorn and chucked it at Nicolla's head. He missed and hit Antonio who blinked and continued wrapping the mailbox with duck tape as if nothing had happened.

"By the way," Nicolla addressed Antonio. "Your mom said she lost her cheek. I think she meant her dog, Cheeky. Lovino said she had a dog and Kiku said something about it at the park last night." Lovino wanted to drop three tons of acorns on her head.

Antonio gaped. "Oh! You have right! I suppose that's what she…" He swallowed as memories reeled from that morning. "Meant."

Nicolla slapped him like she'd done earlier that morning. "Stop dwelling on it. You'll be fine. We'll figure something out."

Antonio sighed. "I sure hope you're right."

"Of course I'm right," Nicolla said, a triumphant smirk stretching across her lips. "I'm always right."

"Were you right the time you told-a me Big Bear Mountain didn't-a have big bears?" Lovino snapped.

Nicolla squeaked. "That was different!" She cried defensively.

"And-a what about the time you told-a me there weren't-a any tarantulas in Hawaii?"

"Dude, it was Hawaii! I thought they had dolphins and coral reefs!"

"They do, bastard!"

"Shut up!"

"Package!"

The trio looked up. A man stepped out of a FedEx truck and pulled a box from the back. He was a tall, buff man but struggled with the weight. As he stepped over the curb he knocked Antonio's head and set the box down on Nicolla's foot. She howled with pain and pulled it out from under, groaning.

"Who's—aaaaaaaaahhh—Mr. Vargas?" The postman asked, glancing at his clipboard for the name.

Lovino stepped up and grabbed the clipboard, ripping it from the postman's grip. "_I_ am, you bastard." Mumbling to himself, he pressed the tip of the ballpoint pen against the paper, prepared to sign his name when he stopped himself. "Wait a damn minute, what-a the hell-a is _in_ that-a thing?"

The postman stared at the box for a moment and he squinted, thinking hard. After nearly two minutes he grinned and shrugged. "Dunno, dude. It's pretty hefty."

"Wonder what's in it," Antonio murmured as he observed the box. "Would you like _me_ to sign the paper, Lovino? If you don't like it, you won't have to deal with it."

Determined to ignore Antonio despite his politeness, Lovino growled and signed the paper. Then he flipped that paper over and scowled, finding another one.

"So I heard there was some strange stuff going on here yesterday," the postman said, bouncing on his heels like a kid in a candy shop. "Somethin' about a stakeout and a genoooratooor!"

"A generator?" Antonio's nose crinkled. "I don't remember such a thing. What are you talking about?"

Lovino finished writing, flipped the paper, and scowled again; another paper.

"Dunno, man," the postman said. He had a creepy grin as if he had a secret to tell. "Just heard a lot of rumbling was goin' on in the neighborhood last night. Some Russian guy called my buddy at the police department to complain." Something like amusement flashed in Antonio's eyes. "Said it was hurting his ears. Then some Chinese dude kept goin' on and on about how horrible it was that he wasn't getting no beauty sleep."

Lovino signed two more papers and almost cursed; there were more, dammit!

Antonio's brows crinkled. "So what exactly did they hear?"

The postman shrugged. "Not sure. Something about rumbling next door. And my buddy said the Chinese dude said he saw someone out on your neighbor's—" he gestured with a nod towards the Clauses' house "—porch. Creepy fuckery, dude."

Antonio nodded slowly, processing. "Yes. I suppose so."

"Have you guys even met them yet?" Nicolla wondered harmlessly.

"No!" Lovino snapped. He grumbled curses under his breath as he flipped paper after paper, signing line after line.

Antonio glanced at the house left of the fraternity and frowned. "You said a Russian man called, didn't you?"

The postman nodded. "Yep! He sounded drunk, my buddy said. Pretty awesome, right? A drunk Russian? Sounds awesome."

Antonio didn't answer. He kept his sight on the fraternity's neighbor. Nicolla glanced at him and did her best to follow his sight. Kiku said a Russian guy lived there. No one knew too much about him. She glanced at Antonio again, to check she had the right house.

Lovino slapped the clipboard against the postman's chest. "Dammit, here!" He shouted. "I'm-a done!"

The postman grinned and started back to his truck. "Cool."

The box moved and rocked as Lovino stepped before it, examining its label.

**Fresh Tomatoes!**

Something in Lovino snapped and he roared as he began to push it towards the street. Nicolla watched in amusement as her cousin parked the box in the middle of the street.

"He really doesn't like that," Antonio murmured, his eyes wide in bewilderment.

A dark shadow stretched to the bridge of Lovino's nose, covering demonic slits of eyes as he stepped away, huffing and laughing under his breath after a muttered word here and there.

"H-hang on!" Nicolla exclaimed, rushing out to the box. "They're tomatoes. What's your deal, Lovi—"

"What's _inside_ is-a my damn deal!" He shouted, storming off down the street. "Don't-a you open the damn thing-a, you idiots! You _bastardos_! Don't open it, no matter what!"

Nicolla looked back at Antonio, bemused. "Are they, like, aliens or something?" Nicolla's eyes narrowed as the box rocked again. She took a cautious step back. "It's moving."

"JUST-A DON'T OPEN THE DAMN BOX-A!" Lovino screamed, stomping towards the Clauses'. A sudden gust of wind swept through the bare branches of trees in their yard and Lovino was captivated for a moment, possessed by curiosity as he gazed at the doors he'd never seen a soul enter or exit from besides the past residents, the old hag Liz Barkley and her husband Rock. "Nope." Lovino turned to walk in the opposite direction.

Nicolla was hunched over the box, one foot braced against the lid as she tried to tear a duck tapped flap. Antonio watched from the sidelines, ready to step in if she needed help; though Nicolla was too proud to ask for help. He stepped forward but Nicolla thwarted him away with a shrill out of breath, "I got this! I got this!"

Lovino was still for a moment, terrified of what was inside, what Nicolla was about to discover.

A singing bird with secrets…

He lunged forward, adrenaline flushing his skin, his stomach welling with horror. He had to stop her before she opened that crate!

But just as the duck tape began to give, a car swerved around the corner behind Lovino. It sped down the street like a racecar and Antonio, the first to notice it, knew the driver had no intention of slowing down. His jaw dropped, his mouth forming muted words. Lovino's hand was in Nicolla's hair as the car reached the border of his and the Clauses' property line and finally Lovino heard it. He froze, shocked and helpless, then ground his teeth and pushed Nicolla to the ground, covering her with himself.

He hadn't the faintest clue in his foggy mind why he would even want to rescue his dastardly cousin, but there he was, ready to die for her or with her.

But it wasn't necessary; the car swerved with a horrific _screech_ and narrowly missed Lovino's arm and the box.

Numb and shivering, Lovino watched as the driver flicked him the bird out the window and sped further off down the street. Lovino levitated onto his feet and he brushed himself off with trembling hands and almost buckled with wobbly legs.

"Dude," Nicolla breathed when she sat up, "I thought he was really gonna run us over."

Lovino scowled. "No. He's a bastard—"

He was sorely interrupted when Antonio flung his arms around him and nearly cracked one of his ribs. "Lovino, my love! You are safe!" Antonio held Lovino close, oblivious to his struggles and Italian curses. "That car came from nowhere! I was terrified you would be—"

Lovino promptly sucker punched Antonio and backed away fuming. "You bastard! Don't you know what the hell personal space is?!"

Antonio chuckled. "You are still so fiery even after almost being run over—"

"Shut up, bastard! Don't patronize me!"

"But Lovino, I'm not patronizing—"

"YES YOU ARE, SO STOP IT, DAMMIT!"

"What the hell were you idiots _doing_?!"

Lovino, Antonio, and Nicolla turned to discover the driver had exited his car and was stomping towards them. He wasn't too tall nor too short. He was about the size of Nicolla, maybe half a head taller, with sharp, narrow emerald eyes and blonde hair that shined like a star. He was very pale, probably from the aftermath of a close call, and he was trembling.

"You idiots!" He yelled, his voice hoarse with trepidation. "What were you _thinking_? Do you people always stand around in the middle of the damned road?!"

"Hey, bastard!" Lovino yelled back, his irritation matching the man's fury. They were both shaken and both very pissed off. "Don't you-a fucking yell at _me_! You could have-a _slowed down_, bastard!"

"Lovino—" Antonio began, concern lacing his tone.

"_You_ were the idiots out in the middle of the street!" Blondie all but screamed. He and Lovino met in the middle of the street nose to nose. Lovino was about two-and-a-half heads taller than Blondie, but Blondie's glare was lethal. "You've ruined my day with that! Imagine what would have happened if I wasn't able to brake!"

"Well, dammit, it's-a not _my_ fault!" Lovino growled belligerently. "Like I-a fucking said, _you should have-a slowed the fuck down_!"

"Hi!" Blondie and Lovino turned to a kindly smiling Nicolla. She wedged herself between both boys and extended her hand to Blondie. "I'm Nicolla. Nicolla Vargas. What's your name?"

"Hey!" Lovino hissed petulantly. "What are you fucking—"

Blondie narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"

"Well, it's polite, isn't it?" Nicolla blinked innocently.

Blondie's jaw clenched. "Vash."

Nicolla tried for an indifferent expression, but the triumphant flare in her eyes betrayed her. Hey, Blondie was cute! God, he was _hot_! "Okay, Vash, don't mind my cousin—"

"_Cosa?!_" Lovino roared.

Nicolla stepped fully in front of him, sighing wistfully. "See, his house burnt down this morning." Vash didn't look especially impressed. He didn't even look interested. "And he was worried about his turtle."

"What the hell do _I_ care?" Vash snapped. Nicolla frowned, taken aback with his sharp hostility. "Don't try to distract me; you were standing in the road with your cousin! Do you know how dangerous that is?"

Nicolla's positive thinking suddenly came to a halt. Oh, he was gonna _nag_, was he? Nicolla bristled. She hated nagging. It reminded her of her narcissistic mother. She had thought she'd never hear her rough too-many-cigarettes voice booming inside her head after their last encounter; _Now, do your laundry, Nicolla. Did you remember the litterbox? Dammit, Nicolla, you know how I feel about those stupid Bond movies you watch. Now, Nicolla, I see your homework on the table, and it looks like you finished it, but did you?_

"I was trying to rescue that box before anyone hit it," she replied cooly. Vash's eyes narrowed as if he knew exactly what she was thinking and was trying to duplicate the old hag's cross expression. He completely succeeded, too.

"Yeah the hell right!" Lovino exploded abruptly. "You wanted to-a know what the fucking hell was-a in there, bastard! Don't-a blame this all on-a _me_!" He pushed Nicolla out of the way. "Go fucking do something else! This is-a between this-a bastard here and me!"

"_I'm_ the bastard?!" Vash exclaimed sourly. "_You_ were the one _in the middle of the street_!"

As Nicolla watched her cousin and Vash go at it like bucking bulls, she suddenly noticed a stray strand of hair twirling on her cousin's head. It was a curl! Where the hell did that come from? _That's always been there, hasn't it?_ She thought dumbly. _Wow, I feel stupid._

Antonio smiled and watched Lovino roar, genuinely amused. No one noticed Nicolla sneak behind Vash and rip the rest of the duck tape off the box. She struggled with the lid, but was finally able to rip one of the cardboard flaps off.

Nicolla's heart flew into her throat when someone's head clocked hers. She was disoriented for a second before the rambling began.

"_Please don't kill me, I'm-a sorry! I just-a wanted to be by your-a side! I haven't-a seen you in-a forever, I just wanted to see you, so please, please, don't-a kill me!_ _Please_!"

Feliciano Vargas, Lovino's annoying and dimwitted little brother had been cramped in the tomato box for three days since his parents had shipped him off to Miami. Lovino shuddered and almost began to sob—it was released. Vash turned, one brow cocked. Nicolla gaped, astonished.

"Feliciano!" Antonio cried, rushing to his side to calm his babbling. "Feliciano, you are in Miami!"

"Yes, yes!" Feliciano sobbed, slapping himself repeatedly. "I'm-a in Miami, but don't-a kill me! I just haven't-a seen you in so long and I-a missed you and I-a wanted to see you, but Grandpa told-a me he would kick-a me out of the family, but I didn't care so he packed me in-a this box and shipped me on a FedEx plane, so _please don't-a kill me_!"

"Is that Feliciano?" Francis boomed from down the street.

Lovino bristled and ran to his brother to slap a hand over his mouth. "Stop-a making a damn scene, bastard, or that French bastard will _never _leave-a me the hell alone!" Feliciano whimpered behind his brother's hand. "Shut-a the fuck up!"

Vash's eyes narrowed again, as if he were appalled with the way Lovino treated his brother. Nicolla retreated and almost backed into him. She whipped around, surprised. When she realized it was Vash, she huffed and bit her lip, silencing an apology. Vash shifted sideways.

"Lovino," Antonio scolded, "That's not the right way to treat your brother." Smiling, Antonio grabbed one of the lid flaps and dragged Feliciano to the curb. "And you can't really be upset, love—Feliciano left the family to visit you."

Lovino froze, incredulous. Was that what the moron had said? Hell, Lovino hadn't heard a word; the thought the bastard was speaking tongues. "A-ah—well—"

"Francis!" Feliciano greeted, suddenly tranquil. He waved to the Frenchman. Francis laughed oddly, like a pedophile pleased with a picture he had taken earlier that day, and waved back. It was slow and emphasized.

Lovino grabbed his brother's hand. "Don't wave to him, bastard!"

"Why not?" Feliciano gasped calmly, as if he hadn't been begging for his life ten seconds ago.

"Because he's a damn dirty pervert!" Lovino exclaimed, glaring at Antonio. "And-a so are you, you Spanish bastard."

Antonio frowned sulkily. "Lovino, that isn't very nice."

"I don't give a damn! Nicolla why, the _hell_ did-a you open the damn box? Why didn't-a you leave it be?"

Nicolla opened her mouth to defend herself but Feliciano wailed high and loud; "You are-a mad at me, see?! _See_?! I'm-a sorry, don't kill me—"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"That's not the way you should treat your brother," Vash snapped, effectively earning Lovino's attention.

Lovino whirled, ready to shoot the big guns. "Shut-a the fuck _up_, bastard!"

Antonio opened his mouth to interject when a loud humming began. Nicolla and Lovino tore their attention away from Feliciano and focused on Antonio with wide eyes.

"Is that your mating call?" Nicolla murmured, hoping it was.

"…Uh?" Antonio deadpanned.

He flushed a bright red, wondering for a moment if he really was the source of the noise. But slowly he realized it wasn't him and he turned to the Clauses' house along with the rest of the neighborhood. The house rumbled and shook, its low moan resonating off the houses. It sounded like a symphony of growling dogs. The vibration rocked Nicolla's legs until they were jelly.

The Clauses' house was vibrating.


	11. Chapter 9, Another Important Package

_All right, next chapter! This begins the mystery of the Clauses; well, it cements the mystery, anyway. This is where the fun begins, where things are about to get crazy! This also marks a quarter pont of sorts. Pay attention here, because it gets pretty intense!_

_ Prepare yourselves for awesome! Oh, if you're wondering, my inspiration here is derived from **Sweeney Todd **and** Bringing Up Baby **and** The Burbs**. Hope you enjoy, guys!_

_PS: I'm continuing my Ao Oni story as well! I guess I'll do a chapter for this one week and an Ao Oni chapter the next. I'll transition between the two, but at times I'll even release both during the same week. Depends on what the hell's going on!_

_Twinkies_

::O::O::O::O:: _Chapter 9 : Another Important Package _::O::O::O::O::

Vash thought the ground would crack in half below his feet. The vibrations could have matched an earthquake they were so powerful. He braced himself best he could, but stumbled when Nicolla collided against his chest.

Lovino shouted words that would insult the creep downstairs himself as he swayed dangerously, determined to keep his balance. Lovino Jr., who was still settled in his jeans' pocket, squirmed. A daze of confusion settled over Lovino. In a blur, he tripped over his own feet. Miraculously, Antonio caught him just before he collided against the ground, saving him from biffing it.

Feliciano almost collapsed sideways with the box, but his fall was broken by Antonio's outstretched leg. Francis, who had been unraveling his hose until now, stumbled. His foot caught in the garden hose and he topled forward, his arms waving in circles like plane propelers. His forehead connected with the ground and his sprinkler system was jittered on. It rained on Hercules' yard and on his cats; they all flew in every different direction like fireworks.

A deep, disturbing laugh—_kolkolkolkolkolkolkol_—filled the air. Nicolla heard it and thought, through all the confusion clumped together like chewed gum in her head, _am I crazy? What the hell kind of laugh is _that?

The world spun several more times and Nicolla thought she would be sick. Then, the vibrations gradually slowed and stopped abrutply. The ground stilled and the reign of terror had ended.

Lovino was the first on his feet. He jumped out of Antonio's arms the moment he had the chance and began brushing himself off. Antonio stood the same moment Vash did. While Vash righted himself, Antonio turned to lend Feliciano a hand. However, his legs seemed to be duck taped to the box and Feliciano would have fallen again if Antonio hadn't caught him.

Nicolla didn't stand; she sat. She sat for several extra seconds, giving her head time to clear. It felt garbled with nonsense and bewilderment; I mean, what the hell _was _that?! _I_ don't even know, and I'm the author! She shook her head, clocked it lightly with her fist as if knocking pool water out of her ear, and stood. Her legs were unsterdy and she swayed tipsily.

_Oh, no!_ She almost screamed. _Am I high again? Damn, already? Where's dat blunt? _

"Feliciano!" Francis shouted. He had somehow hovered from his yard to Feliciano's side. Antonio was pushed out of the way as Francis made his dramatic debut. "Oh, Feliciano! My dear Italian friend! I 'ave not seen 'ou in so—"

He was promptly thwarted to the ground by Lovino's Falcon Punch. Now, Lovino was a serious wuss when it can to attacking those who were larger than him, but Francis was a pussy and Lovino figured he'd either smack him like a girl or sit and sob with self-pity.

"Don't-a touch my brother, bastard," Lovino snapped.

Francis pouted and rubbed his cheek. "Why are 'ou so _mean _to me? I just wanted to—"

"I don't care."

"Lovin_oooo_!"

Someone's clad bunny-slippered feet appeared in Nicolla's sight. She followed the legs up to their body's face and found herself staring at the half-dressed form of Kiku's brother, Yao. An elegant, silk red robe covered most of his chest and arms. Underneath , from what Nicolla could see, he wore newly ironed dress pants and a flamboyant pink shirt with a breast cancer label in the top right corner under the collar. His long frizzed hair was tied back in a hairband and his slim brows were knitted together, creating the illusion of a uni brow. He had dark bags under his eyes, indicating he had not slept well in a while.

"Ah!" Francis breathed as he stood, his dignity suddenly healed. "Bonjour, Yao! 'Ow are 'ou?"

"Vargas!" Yao totally ignored Francis, who gaped sadly and dumbly. "We need to talk, aru!"

Lovino turned with a feral snarl on his face. "Yao, what-a the hell-a do _you_ want?"

Flustered, Kiku stood between his brother and Lovino, wary of a battle. "Prease, don't fight in the middle of the—"

Yao pushed Kiku out of the way and pointed to the Clauses' house. "You need to confront your neighbors, aru! It's about time you did!"

Lovino was instantly up in arms. "What the hell do you mean _I_ should-a confront-a them, dammit?" He exclaimed defensively.

"Aru!" Yao hissed. Nicolla could tell he and Lovino had had this conversation many times before. When he started towards her cousin, Nicolla shifted out of the way and ended up standing beside Vash. "They are _your_ neighbors, not mine!"

"Oh, fuck that!" Lovino growled pugnaciously. "You live-a right across the damn street!"

"Lovino's mad!" Feliciano whispered.

"_Si_, he is," Antonio murmured. His tone was a lighthearted warning, to caution Feliciano's rambling. This wasn't the type of situation anyone would want to break into; Lovino would start kicking asses and taking names of he were interrupted now.

"Ze Clauses are aliens, no?" Francis whispered to Feliciano. Feliciano's curl twitched and he was suddenly very pale.

"You live right next door, aru!" Yao cried. "Of course _you_ should be the one chosen to meet them!"

"Yao," Kiku sighed. "Prease don't do this, not in the middle of the—"

"So-the-fuck-what!" Lovino shouted, enranged. "What the hell-a about the other _bastardos_ on-a the damn street?!"

"Why is he mad?" Feliciano wondered, shivering. "Do the Clauses really have aliens?"

"Shh," Antonio whispered. This was one of those conversations that were important to listen to. This wasn't a monologue; this was history. Whoever lost the argument would have to confront the Clauses in the end.

Vash was utterly confused at this point. "What's going on?" He murmured to Nicolla.

She almost answered cheerfully when she remembered she was supposed to be perturbed with Blondie. "Dunno," she muttered. But because he was cute and she felt as if she had seen him before, she sighed ruefully and explained as simply as she could: "Lovino's neighbors are crack neighbors—"

"You have by the end of the week, aru!" Yao yelled firmly.

"Yeah the fuck _right_!" Lovino matched his aggravation. "I'm-a not going over there, bastard! And-a you have-a no fucking right to yell at-a me in front of my own house!"

"—And Yao wants him to go meet them because everyone else is a pussy." A loud bang resonated behind Nicolla. Turning, she discovered Roderich stuffing a stack of boxes into the back of his dark blue Audi. "Hey! Hey, Roderich!" He turned. "You're packing? Why—"

"Vash Basche Zwingli!" Roderich exclaimed. Nicolla wasn't sure if it were out of exhasperation or fury.

"Roderich Joseph Edelstein," Vash replied cooly. He sounded oddly contrite.

Nicolla was confused; they knew each other?

"What house, aru?! It burned down!"

"Shut the hell up, bastard! Don't-a patronize me!"

Antonio chuckled. "You're so suspicious! Thinking everybody is patronizing you—"

Lovino glanced at him with a frightening glare. "Back-a the hell off, bastard!"

"This doesn't concern you, aru," Yao agreed.

Roderich set down another box in the back of the car and grimaced. It was an unplesant expression on his handsome face. "I didn't think I'd see you after—" Roderich began.

"Aru!" Yao screamed. If Yao yelling before wasn't enough to gain anyone's attention, he certainly had it now. "Are you frightened, Vargas? Are you afraid to stand on your neighbor's pourch?"

Color drained from Lovino's face. "D-dammit, not at all! I'm-a not their only neighbors, dammit! That's-a what I'm-a fucking trying to say!"

"Then I propose a proposition, aru," Yao sneered. Kiku sighed noticeably behind him. He was trying to stay calm, but his brother was difficult to reserve patience for.

Lovino's eyes dilated with wild fury. "Fucking name it-a then, you damn bastard!"

Yao pointed at him like a superhero would at a villain. "You confront the Clauses by the end of the week, aru! You must persuade them to leave the neighborhood by the end of the month! If they should sue you or if they are simply uncompilable, _then_ I will talk to them, aru!"

"That's fucking stupid!" Lovino exclaimed.

"I'd do it, Lovino," Francis murmured wisely. "It would save 'ou public humiliation if zey are aliens and 'ou had ze power to stop zem from taking over ze world."

Lovino whirled to him. "Dammit, they're not aliens, dammit! They're not! They aren't serial killers, aliens, sea monsters, or-a vampires, damn you!"

"Are 'ou sure?" Francis deadpanned.

Lovino opened his mouth to confirm he was when Nicolla interjected; "Lovino, why don't you go meet them?" They all turned to her. "I mean, they're just people."

Everyone was quiet. Even Antonio's eyes had become considerably darker. "Fuck that!" Lovino exclaimed. "They're fucking _weird_!"

An then the fighting resumed. Lovino and Yao were nose to nose, Kiku was holding his brother back from hitting Lovino, Francis was egging Lovino on, Antonio was trying to calm Feliciano, who was freaking about aliens and serial killers, and Nicolla was standing with Vash as an onlooker.

She frowned. "I feel like I'm missing something," she murmured. "Like I've forgotten something important."

"Vash!" Roderich called. Vash stared him down. "How's your sister?"

Vash scrunched his nose as if repulsed with the question. "Fine! Just as smart as ever."

Roderich nodded sadly. "I see."

"How do you know the professor?" Nicolla asked Vash.

"There's-a no fucking way I'm-a gonna have anything to do with those bastards!" Lovino shouted.

Vash shrugged. "I just do. What does it matter?" He looked away, staring forward and watching the fight. "Besides, it's none of your business."

Nicolla narrowed her eyes and growled. Bitch. "Well, aren't you just high and mighty. I guess I'm just too inferior to your ego, huh?"

Frustration flashed in Vash's eyes. "That's not what I'm saying at all!" He sighed. "I don't even…" _Know you_. Strangely, he felt as if he did. "I just met you! Of course I'm not going to explain my life story to you!"

Nicolla scowled. "Dude, I didn't even _ask _for a life story! What the hell makes you think I'd wanna hear it, anyway? I don't care! I _don't care_!"

Vash groaned. "He's a childhood friend, okay? Are you satisfied?"

Nicolla sighed and loosened her tight expression, creating an indifferent air. "Sure, whatever. I don't actually care, you know." In truth, she did, but her curiosity humiliated her. This guy was a duche, but for whatever reason, she wanted to know more about him.

Vash scoffed. "Sure you don't."

Bristling, Nicolla turned to him. "Oh, what's that supposed to mean, Blondie boy?"

Vash growled through a clenched jaw. "I mean to say that you're lying."

Nicolla gaped. "Oh, you're so smart, smart guy! What the hell makes you think I actually care about you _or_ your damn story? We just met, bro! Or did you already forget?"

Vash whirled to her. "I just said that! How could I forget?! Are you _high_?!"

"I don't even know anymore!" Nicolla pointed at the burned remains of Lovino's house. "See that house? That was burned down just last night! I was gonna be staked at the sorority house, dammit! Right on their front yard! If Antonio and Kiku hadn't saved me, I would have had a gigantic piece of wood stuck in my chest right now!"

Vash was abruptly pallid. "The sorority? They tried to stake you at the sorority? Righ here, on the same street?"

"Hell yeah they did!" Nicolla fumed. "Same street, same yard! I don't know _what_ I'm thinking right now!"

"Package!"

Nicolla's attention was drawn next door. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped like a cabinet would open on its hinges. "Hey. Hey, Lovino."

"Shut-a the fuck up bastard!" Lovino yelled. He refocused on Yao. "Don't-a fucking tell me I'm the one responsible for those bastards moving—"

"Lovino." Nicolla called again. Vash and Roderich followed her gaze. The trunk of Roderich's Audi slammed shut.

"You are!" Yao mirrored Lovino's sour expression. "If it weren't for you allowing the Barkleys to move out, the Clauses wouldn't have moved in, aru!"

"I never even-a saw the damn bastards' moving van, dammit! I woke up one day and-a they were-a fucking gone!"

"Lovino!" Nicolla shouted.

"_Cosa_?!" Lovino whipped around. His face dropped. The other neighbors turned and mimicked his expression of utter bewilderment.

There were two UPS men standing on the Clauses' porch. Never mind what they were carrying, they were _on the Clauses' porch_. There were two of them, two idiots _standing on the Clauses' porch_, in between the sofa and a broken lamp _on the Clauses' porch_.

"They're…on the Clauses' porch." Lovino felt faint with the surprise.

"Is that a good thing?" Feliciano whispered.

Antonio couldn't answer. He couldn't even feel his tongue he was so shocked. Yao and Kiku were shaking their heads and Francis was noddimg his head beside them. Roderich had collapsed against his trunk. Vash and Nicolla were absolutely still.

The front door opened towards them like with a loud _creak _and a small, willowy hand emerged from the open doorway. It grabbed the clipboard and it disappeared back behind the door. Lovino thought he might swoon from the craziness of it all. What idiot would willingly walk up that casually to the Clauses' front door?

Miami idiots. Or Nicolla.

She started forward as if possessed by a secret spell the owner of the hand had murmured. Lovino lunged forward and grabbed her arm. "Bastard, what are you-a _doing_?" He ground out.

"Well, someone's gotta meet them," Nicolla whispered, as if worried the Clauses would hear her. "I mean, why not, right? Their door's open."

"Bastard!" Lovino whacked her over the head. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"Lovino, I think you should go meet the Clauses," Nicolla said. Determination filled her voice. "I think you should go, like, right now."

"Bastard, there's no way." Lovino refuted.

"No, really," Nicolla insisted. "You should go, like, right now." The postmen laughed at some inaudible joke and picked up a crate. Still laughing, they carried it _through the Clauses' front door_. "I mean, this is a perfect opportunity, you know? The door's open, and, and there's a guy home."

"No, bastard," Lovino huffed. "There's-a no fucking way." He scoffed, to make himself sound confident, but it quivered.

"But this a perfect opportunity," Nicolla said. "If you don't go now, they're gonna close their door, and then you'll be too pussy whipped to ever go up and knock on their door."

"Bastard, I'm not afraid of those bastards." His voice wavered suspiciously. "I just don't-a want to fucking meet them." The postmen's voices echoed around the block. Lovino heard the hefty _thud_ of the crate hitting the floor in the Clauses' entryway and he shuddered with anticipation.

"Well, I mean, you should go now," Nicolla persisted. She motioned towards the door. "I mean, the door's open and everything. They seem pretty nice. Why don't you, uh, why don't you wanna meet them? 'Cause, I mean—"

"They're fuckin' weird," Lovino snapped. The last thing he wanted to do was meet a family of serial killers who knew where he lived. It wasn't necessarily that he was afraid of the Clauses; he remembered how Mr. Berwald had once sued a news reporter for wanting to shake his hand, the hand of his idol. Unfortunately, there were more than one Mr. Berwald in the Clauses' home. Lovino knew; he'd seen them digging in their backyards before. He wasn't sure why they did that, especially on rainy nights, but he had decided it was their strange life and he wanted nothing to do with it.

"Yeah, but, you should really go." Vash, who was still standing behind Nicolla, gave her a strange look, but wisely kept silent. "Like, now."

"A-no way in _hell_." Lovino's legs wobbled.

The postmen emerged from the home still laughing and without the crate. They started down the stairs when a faint voice called them back to the door. Turning, they chuckled as if someone had just flipped off of a slide and the hand appeared again, holding tightly onto the clipboard.

"You, you better go now, Lovino, before you miss your chance," Nicolla warned.

"I'm-a not going," Lovino hissed.

"Why not, aru?" Yao spat.

Lovino growled and ignored him. The taller postman received the clipboard from the trembling hand and flashed another smile before sauntering off back to the truck with his buddy.

"You gotta go now or you'll miss it." Nicolla squinted as she watched the door slowly began to close. "You better go now. You're, you're gonna miss your chance. They—they're not gonna—"

The door slammed shut.

Nicolla sighed. "You missed it. You just—you had your chance and now—"

"Just shut the hell up!" Lovino groaned. He felt as if they were torturing him with this. "I'm-a not going over there, dammit! That's-a final!" He wanted to rush to his house, to lock himself inside, but he remembered it was demolished. A wave of disappointment washed over him. "Damn…"

Nicolla grabbed his arm. "Hey, man, you still have a chance. I mean, do you really want Yao on your ass?" Yao opened his mouth to interject. "No offense, man." Yao's mouth clamped shut.

Lovino groaned mentally. Like he really cared if Yao nagged him for the rest of eternity. Hercules would probably blow up his house by the end of the week anyway. "I'm-a not doing it."

Nicolla scooted closer to the house and motioned Lovino to follow. "C'me on, man. I'll go with you. Let's do it."

"No." Lovino ground his teeth and stomped forward to pull her back. "No, bastard, it's-a not happening."

Nicolla hoisted herself up onto her tip-toes and whispered deviously into his ear, "You don't wanna look like an idiot in front of your brother, do you?"

Lovino snorted as if amused and pushed her back. "I don't-a fucking care."

"What about Antonio?" She murmured.

Ouch, she hit that nail hard. A fiery blaze entered Lovino's eyes and he was suddenly determined to beat down the Clauses' front door. He was so caught up with the adrenaline rush that he felt no surprise with this sudden change of heart. "All right, bastard." He rolled his plaid cuffs up above his elbows like a construction worker and nodded sharply. "Let's-a go."

Nicolla smirked. "_Now_ you're talkin'."

They stalked towards the porch steps, keeping their confidence in check, wiping all discomfort from their minds. The group behind them watched with wide, incredulous eyes. They were serious about this; they were actually going to confront the Clauses'—by themselves. It was crazy, insane, mental, whatever, but it was incredibly brave and would definitely be going down in history.

A loud, determined fanfare played in the back of Lovino's head, coaxing him forward, worshiping his courage, backing him up like a loyal sidekick. He felt prepared for anything as long as that majestic fanfare roared. He felt prepared to enter the damn house and confront the damn serial killers/aliens/vampires/werewolfs/whatever the hell they were, and he would face them with a straight, courageous poker face and would banish them from the neighborhood—hell, maybe from the whole world—if they were evil.

He was secretly showing off for Antonio.

"Go on, Lovino!" Antonio cheered. "I believe in you!"

"Go, Lovino, go!" Feliciano shouted.

"I don't understand this at all…" Vash mumbled.

Soon, Lovino and Nicolla were climbing up the whitewashed steps to the porch, fighting any fear that would have entered them. They climbed up those stairs with the will of Spartans—two of the stairs were missing and Lovino mustered all of the courage he could to ignore the maggots crawling around underneath the empty spaces—and, finally, stepped onto the porch. Looking closer, Lovino discovered the wooden boards of the floor were cracked in several places. There was a thin mail slot next to the front door, under the doorbell. The door itself was just like the walls: whitewashed and splintering. A large, rusted door knocker of a once glorious onyx lion was barely screwed on. It hung lower on one side. The couch was paisley, surrounded by light bulbs, terracotta flower pots, and splitting stair boards. Flies swarmed every corner and spiders crawled along the railings.

"O-oh, shit," Nicolla gasped, jumping back from a spiderweb by one of the cracked windows. "Oh, God, I hate spiders. God, I'm arachnophobia!"

"Shut up, bastard," Lovino huffed and he continued to the door, careful to avoid any loose floorboards. He almost stumbled on a doorknob cradled between two splitting boards, but regained his balance after slamming into the front door.

"Nice, Lovi," Nicolla snickered.

"Shut the hell up!" Lovino snapped. "Don't-a call me that, either."

Nicolla joined him before the door, wary of the spiders in her peripherals, and gulped. "So, uh…" She leaned toward the doorbell. "Wanna try the bell first?"

Lovino shrugged. "Try it."

She did. A loud, ominous chime echoed beyond the door. It played for about thirty seconds and Nicolla vaguely realized it was part of Moonlight Sonata. Of course, that was the only classic she knew. They waited for a full minute before she stepped back and said, "Okay, they aren't coming. Try the door thingy."

"It's a door knocker," Lovino muttered, but he reluctantly stepped forward and grabbed the knocker. He banged it twice, then, after another thirty seconds, tried twice more.

That was a really bad idea.

The cover on the mail slot swung off of a hinge and out crawled several squirrels. They squeaked and lunged at Nicolla and Lovino. Clouded by confusion, Lovino stood for a moment, trying to process what was happening. Nicolla's scream brought him back; they were being mauled by pissed off squirrels. And one had crawled down his pants. Lovino roared and slapped one off of his head. He and Nicolla screamed like banshees and scrambled back down the stairs, desperate for relief as they frantically waved their arms.

"_Lovino_!" Antonio cried. Feliciano whimpered and covered his eyes.

"What the hell?!" Vash exclaimed.

"Someone grab a hose!" Kiku shouted, already turning for Lovino's house. Realizing again that it was burned, he cursed silently.

Francis was already a step ahead; he scurried back to his house and grabbed his hose. It ran out of line at the edge of his curb, and, cussing, Francis picked up a sprinkler. It would go no further than the hose. Kiku looked around wildly and the first thing he saw was the lonely hose in the middle of Ivan's yard. He ran for it, switched its lever on, picked it up, and ran back into the street. A squirt of water slammed into Roderich's face.

Lovino and Nicolla were running around in circles, screaming and crying and wailing like they were being massacred by Jason. Antonio ran to assist Kiku and yelled, "Lovino! Nicolla! This way!"

They ran like the wind for the water. Antonio and Kiku sprayed them harshly and the squirrels cried out as the water spouts hit them and carried them far, far away, further down the street. It was chucking them like pebbles in an ocean, like a paintball in a paintball gun. Nicolla dropped to her side and rolled in the dips in the street where the water had gathered to create small pools as she raked her nails painfully through her hair. Lovino threw his face right in the line of fire of the hose and shook his head, his curses and shouting gargled by the rush of water.

Finally, the last squirrel had been squirted away, and all that was left were the bite marks covering Lovino and Nicolla's bodies. Just for extra measure, Antonio shifted the hose so that it was hitting the retreating squirrels directly. A river was quickly created and it washed them down the street like a waterslide at a waterpark. They squeaked and cried and shrieked.

"What the fuck!" Lovino screamed, collapsing onto his knees. Nicolla sat up beside him, panting and shaking. "What the fuck!"

The disturbing laugh from before echoed inside Nicolla's ears. Kiku had heard it, too. He gasped, suddenly realizing whose hose he was holding. He pulled it out of Antonio's grasp and ran back into Ivan's yard. He dropped the hose and turned the water off. The laughing was emanating from beyond his front door. Shuddering, Kiku rushed out of Ivan's yard and joined the group circled around Lovino and Nicolla. The laughing ceased the second Kiku was back on the street.

Antonio ran back to Feliciano's box and dragged him to Lovino's side. "_Fratello_, are you all-a right?!" Feliciano sobbed.

Cursing, Lovino turned on his arse and glared at the Clauses' house, absently rubbing a scathed arm. "I'm fucking fine…Dammit…"

Nicolla blinked and released a quivering breath. "Shit. I don't even…"

Roderich, who had recovered from the hose's assault, crouched beside Nicolla and extended a hand. He was offering an embroidered handkerchief. "Here, take zis."

She gratefully took it and rubbed her face and neck. "Thanks," she mumbled, still shaken.

Vash stepped behind her, careful not to bump into Roderich. He also extended an arm. "Uh, here," he murmured quietly. "I'll help you up."

Nicolla hesitated but finally grabbed his hand. Vash easily pulled her onto her feet. "Thanks, man," she mumbled.

"Y-yeah," Vash said, as shaken as she was. Now, Vash had visited many places, but never had he ever encountered an event this strange or crazy. He also felt strangely entitled to assist and support her. "Right…"

"Where the fuck's _my_ help?" Lovino exclaimed impatiently. Antonio bent over to assist, but Lovino ignored him and pushed himself up. However, his knees buckled, and he ended up in Antonio's arms unwillingly. "I don't-a need your help, bastard!" Lovino snapped fiercely.

Antonio smiled boyishly—surprisingly shyly—and released him slowly. For a while, the group just stood there, silently, in the middle of the street, facing the Clauses' house. A face appeared in the top right window on the second story, and a thick smoke billowed out of the turret funnel. Then, as quickly as it had appeared, the curtain fell back over the dusty yellow glass, and the face was visible no more.


	12. Chapter 9 5, Intermission Part Dos

**Hello everyone! How was Christmas? Really? That's nice...too bad I don't care.  
**

**Kidding! Anyway, here's the next inter-chapter! Enjoy!  
**

**Inspiration: Fi's Theme (she's annoying as hell, but her theme is nice; mikethesmooth version to be exact), The Hobbit (that was awesome; Bilbo fights internally and second guesses himself too much and it's funny as hell), the 2012 Youtube Rewind (gotta love comedians!) and some video my buddy showed me the other day - Dragonball P, was it? Something like that, but jeez, I couldn't stop laughing! Oh, and Happy New Year, dudes.  
**

**Chapter 9.5 : March Clauses is PWND **

March Clauses' 'wizard' stood by the arena, smirking pleasantly to himself. There was no way his master could lose—Basche Zwingli had no chance! He had sliced the horse's belly strap—or was that the other guy, Alfredo?

But he wasn't expecting Antonio Carriedo, the famous—and hot—Spanish prince. He trotted by on his fancy camel, humming a tune under his breath.

When Lovino had first explained the situation, Antonio had been very concerned. He, and his two best friends, Gilian and Frankfort, had crossed the olden country to Belgium to confront the honorable Basche; why would he give his love to a girl he wouldn't stay with? There was a problem there.

"I'd never leave my darling Lovino," Antonio had murmured, shuddering at the impossibility of the thought. "Not even if I were destined to. I mean, you know how much that would suck? I couldn't leave him! Basche is crazy! Like I'd ever leave! We've gotta talk some sense into him!" Then, he lifted up his sword and pointed to the horizon. "Onward! To Belgium, my friends!"

"But Antonio," Frankfort said, "We don't 'ave any transportation."

Antonio's face fell. "Oh, yeah." He lowered his sword and placed his hands on his hips with sharp determination. "Then we'll walk there!"

Gillian sighed. "Fuck. That's not awesome at all! I don't want to _walk _there!"

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother herself appeared before the trio with a stick and a bottle of whiskey. She stared at them and growled in a deep and gravely voice, "Ah, shit. Musta waved the stick the wrong way." She waved the wand as if clarifying what she'd said.

"Whoa," Gillian breathed in wonder. He squinted at her wings and scoffed. "Not awesome. So fake."

The fairy godmother turned to him and whacked him over the head with her stick. Gillian groaned and swooned; a small golden chick appeared and began obnoxiously chirping as it fluttered around his head. "Fuck yes I _am_, you stupid Prussian!" The godmother exclaimed. She fixed her hair while she took a swig of her whiskey. Her face puckered then relaxed and she smiled kindly. "To what do I owe the pleasure of being summoned here?"

Antonio gawked inwardly. "You said that you waved the stick the wrong way."

"IT'S NOT A STICK!" The godmother screamed. She held the stick closer to her chest, "It's not a stick. It's a magic wand. A very powerful one at that. You three must have summoned me here for _something_."

It took a minute for Antonio to remember what was going on. "Oh! Indeed," he said. "I summoned you here for well needed advice!" He stepped closer and pulled his coat closer to his chest, posing gallantly. "Fairy Godmother, I need to know! How can we stop Prince Zwingli of Switzerland from marrying Princess Bella of Belgium?"

The godmother shrugged. "I don't know, what do _you _think?"

Frankfort frowned. "What do 'ou mean? We aren't sure ourselves! Stupid question…"

"Oh, shut up," the godmother grunted, squinting angrily at him. "You're the moron wearing an overly dramatic cape."

"It's a cloak!" Frankfort exclaimed. "Honestly, why do people keep getting zat confused?"

"Whatever." The godmother released the whiskey bottle. It hovered beside her as she waved a lace-gloved hand before Antonio's face. Her expression was grim and mysterious. "There is magic in the air today. All will be well." She spoke in a cryptic tone. Antonio crossed his eyes as the hand moved closer. "Don't fret, dear boy, for all will be well. You have naught to fear. It is already destined that Prince Zwingli will live happily with his one true love, Nix Vargas, the pesant." The hand came so close to his nose, Antonio had to lean back to see it. "Prince Clauses will wind up with the beautiful, stunningly gorgerous, superficial Princess Bella, and all will be happy."

"Will I end up marrying Lovino?" Antonio asked.

"This ithn't about you, you thelfish prick!" The godmother exclaimed, spitting all over his face. "What the hell am I, an oracle? You asked _one question_, so I'm answering _one question_!"

"I can't ask you another?" Antonio sulked.

"No!"

"Fairy Godmother!" Frankfort cried, suddenly beside her with his hands clasped together. "Will _I_ end up marrying Lovino?"

The godmother turned. Frankfort's eyes widened; her magical stick had transformed into a Chicago Typewriter. "You're going to end up forever alone if you keep asking obscene questions," she growled. Frankfort's eyes grew wide and he took a few cautious steps backward. The godmother's chin rose challengingly. "That's what I thought. They don't call me the Godmother for nothing."

"Then we shall make journey for Belgium!" Antonio declared. "We'll leave right now!"

"But we 'ave to pack cloths!" Frankfort cried, anxiously fingering a small emblem on his necklace.

The godmother frowned acridly. "Cloths? Belgium in only a two hour trip horseback from here, you idiot!"

"Well," Antonio said, "If we must pack, can I bring a cape, too?"

"It's a _cloak_!" Frankfort exclaimed.

Suddenly, three neon purple camels appeared out of thin air beside Antonio. One began gnawing on his shirt. Pulling away, Antonio gazed at the fairy godmother, bemused. "Camels, godmother? This is so awesome! This is definitely going on my Scrollbook! I'll name him Abro!"

The godmother harrumphed. "Yeah, good luck, idiots; I'm going back to Carnival…Germany really has good beer…"

After the fairy godmother had grabbed her whiskey and left, Antonio and Frankfort revived Gillian, mounted the camels, and rode off into the sunset, confident with their mission.

"This bird is really awesome," Gillian murmured, petting the chick's head. "I think I'll name it Gilbird."

Presently, they had finally reached Belgium and were onlooking the joust. As Antonio passed the incognito 'wizard,' he also passed a small child swinging around a shoelace and a rock. Just as the horn blew and Prince Zwingli and the Duke Clauses bucked forward, Abro sneezed in the child's face. Stunned and repulsed, he reared back and released the shoelace and rock to wipe his face. The rock hit March Clauses square between the eyes, knocking him off his horse before he could make it to the quarter line.

Basche almost toppled off of his own horse he was so shocked. He rode past March and trotted to the opposite side, his eyes never straying from March's limp form.

The arena was silent. Not a word nor a sound was made; only the gurgling coos of the Rock Doves that surrounded the stadium could be heard. Bella, who had been cheering Basche on, was stunned. Her father, King Turk, looked around the arena, waiting for someone to speak first. Antonio and his mates blinked guiltily. The wizard was silently cursing himself as he slowly backed away from the fence. The child was backing away alongside the 'wizard,' his eyes wide and jaw dropped and palms up in guilty surrender.

After several more seconds, Bella stood from her wicker chair and yelled, "Bravo, bravo, brave knight! Bravo, Prince Zwingli! You have won the joust!"

Then all hell broke loose.

Everybody jumped up and started clapping and whooping and screaming and stomping. A group of paramedics ran out to drag March off the field while a crowd of admirers rushed to meet Basche as he dismounted his horse. Antonio and company grinned and trotted over to meet him.

Basche noticed them and blinked, dazed with the sudden fame, endless questions, and unrelenting flirting from the girls. "Antonio!" He shouted, desperate for relief from these crazy people. He pushed through the crowd, steadily making his way towards the future Spanish king and his mates. "What are you doing here?"

Antonio rode over and patted Abro's head with a wide grin. Basche paused and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "We came to save you from Bella," Antonio explained triumphantly. "But the Godmother told us you're going to marry Nix either way, so—"

"Wait, wait," Basche interrupted, waving his hands. "What on earth are you talking about? Godmother? Someone told you I'm going to be with Nix?" His eyes lit up. Then he remembered Antonio was mounted on a camel and gestured to it. "Where the hell did you get a _camel_?"

"Ah!" Frankfort smiled, his purple cloak swaying wistfully in the wind. "Zey are presents! Very nice, non? Ze Godmother bestowed zem upon us."

"They're pretty awesome, huh?" Gillian threw his head back and laughed heartily.

Basche groaned and flattened himself against Gillian's camel, which he had named Gilbert, to let the paramedics pass. Gilbert's mouth watered as a full head of hair passed on his left and grabbed it between his teeth. The man screamed furiously as Gilbert pulled his toupee off his head and began chewing it.

"Who is this 'Godmother?'" Basche yelled. The crowd surrounding him was now swelling. Their words were muffled and they reached out to him. Basche stepped away uncomfortably. He glanced over their heads, searching for his horse, but couldn't find him anywhere. "Could we move first? There are too many people."

Antonio leaned down to pull him up, but Bella suddenly appeared on the scene. She shoved her way through the crowd and grabbed Basche's hand, sending a bolt of fear through his heart. Smiling her superficial yet charming smile, she turned him around to face her. _Oh shit_. Basche inhaled deeply and held it, planting his heels in the soil to keep himself steady. He rose his chin timidly and kept eye contact.

"You, brave knight, have won the joust," she said in her melodic, wistful voice. "As well as earning fame and success, you have also earned the accomplished right to marry me!"

_Accomplished right?_ Basche thought callously, desperately fighting the urge to run and hide. _Yeah right!_ "Ah, yes. It seems I've, er…won."

Bella sighed pensively with a dreamy expression and leaned closer, undoubtedly wanting to kiss him. As Basche leaned away, frantic for an escape, Gillian's camel swayed its hips and bumped Bella. She stumbled into the swelling crowd and Vash took the opportunity to turn and leap onto Abro.

"Oh!" Antonio exclaimed, puzzled. "You're on the camel. I thought you didn't like—"

"Go, NOW!" Vash yelled, kicking the camel's sides.

The camel groaned low in his throat and walked a few steps forward. "Onward, Abro!" Antonio shouted heroically, holding his Spanish Rapier forward like a commanding general. Abro moved slowly, cheered on by the crowd, and stopped a few seconds later. Frankfort, lined up behind Antonio, sighed impatiently and kicked Abro's ass. With a disgruntled growl, Abro rose his chin defiantly and sat.

"Damn you!" Basche exclaimed, kicking his sides harder. "Damn you! Get up!" The camel groaned and lay down. "DAMN YOU!"

Frankfort and Gillian slowly moved past them. Gillian noticed a leg sticking out from under Abro's butt and leaned sideways over his saddle to look closer. "Antoino, you may want to move your camel. You're sitting on the princess."

"The who?" Antoino said, distracted with Abro and the white noise of the crowd. He didn't realize they were now laughing.

Bashed paled scandalously and kicked Abro again in a frenzy. "Go! Before she gets up—_please_!"

Abro's groan was a laugh as he rose himself back up onto his feet and clopped quickly through the crowd behind Gillian and Frankfort. Gilbird was perched on Gillian's shoulder, his chirps excited giggles. Gillian and Frankfort pulled away to make space; Abro stepped appreciatively between them and the three camels moved like liquid neon, aligned and allied together, as they made their way through the roaring crowd.

Basche glanced over his shoulder just in time to witness Bella rise, her eyes wide and hair wild, as she searched the masses for him. He turned away quickly to hide his face and slumped in relief as Abro passed through the arena gate and made his way toward the inn at the bottom of the hill.


End file.
